Digging My Own Grave--- I Have a Confession to Make

I got involved in something that I shouldn't have. If I knew thing would turn out like this, I wouldn't have let the secret out!!!
It was all because of my curiosity. If I wasn't being so curious and digged the secret out with Vicky~~~
Now I feel sorry for Miss J.
From her story, I've assumed that she had finally seen through what she had been into and could start her new life again.
But the thing is that she hasn't quite seen through what happended and still stuck in it.
I think, the only solution to the question relies on Time for the answer!!
No one can really help her but herself!
I really hope she can get better soon.
And I'm really sorry for being too inquisitive~~


The Devil Wears Prada, Were We All Born with Materialistic Genes?

On Wednesday night, in my Chinese Teaching class, we heard something from our teacher mentioned about how 'Jelly' is banned in the list of Priests' food. Because when Jelly trembles, it gives away an implication image of women's buttocks.
Can anybody believe that? I do~
It tells that we, human beings, were born with desires. When our basic desire needs are fed. We search for something greater to fulfill the desires, some choose spirituality over materialism or vice versa.

Metrial satisfaction is a great tempting goal that many of us are reaching hard for.

Tonight, I went to the movie theater seeing, "The Devil Wears Prada."

I don't know why I always feel like to talk more whenever I saw a movie, but my guess is that, a movie is like a graphic book projecting the essense of what books are trying to tell. Although, we can appreciate beautiful sentences when reading a book, but by watching the movie, with the way the director leads the audience, we can pretty much be struck with the same feeling as when we read the books. (Okay, I know, how much it souds like I try to find myself an excuse for not reading books~)

I'll skip the summary of the movie here. But, overall, I was thinking the ending of the moive that how many women can walk away and give up a job that provides a million chances for a brighter future ahead in the fashion world like Andy Saches was in (The character in the movie)?

It is true that many of us take spiritual fulfillment as the primary center of life. Thinking that how we should make our souls smarter than others!
But the realistic part of the world is, without the glamorous looking and clothing, you would have been turned down already by many opportunities that might provide you with a better future.
People view your appearacne first then your brain! With a pretty look, you would have successfully made your first step to your dream in life.

I don't know how serious the materialitic values affects Western world? Because, westerners who are in Taiwan appeare to be a group of people that only care about enjoying their lives and fulfill them with music, art and recreation! More spritual-oriented than us Taiwanese.

In Taiwan, we are deeply influeced by the value of Materialism. I couldn't recall how many times, a bunch of us, older 20 somethings were talking about the values of those young 20 somethings and teens.

Our new generation is audacious in enjoying their lives with the expensive brand names on them. They haven't start making the livings yet to know how difficult and competivie the society is now in Taiwan. However, they have started using the money from their parents to beautify their lives and are not afraid of doing so. Sometimes, I couldn't deny that I was impressed by how well their senses of tastes were. They know how to dress up to their own styles, wear the perfect makeups that cover all the blemishes on the face, great at doing their own hair styles and very opinionated on the ways thier lives should be. I am talking about both male gender and female gender.They do know and care much about thier looks and understand the importance of one's appearance to the opportunity that society might have provided.

However, this overly emphasize on one's appearance has made our new generation neglect their absorbency in knowledge and forgot that the key to success requires more than one's look.
I am sure that tourists from other countries in Taiwan would be shocked by our young people wearing not only the brand names but many of them carry a brand name purse or handbag.
You would have no idea how scary it is to see LV, Cucci, Prada, CD flying around in not only in the fancy restaurants but the supermarkets and in schools.
Of course, many of them carry piracy ones. Sometimes, I would stop and wonder how many of them were really from rich families and how many of them were not.
(We do have many rich people in Taiwan, but most people are not~)

Perhaps to some people around me, they would consider me as the 'somehow' material girl. The thing is that who would want to look old, dress poorly at my age? I can't deny that I have a wardrobe to let out my secret desire, but I bought them with the money I earned not from my parents ~~~ Besides, I do care about feeding my head with food from time to time.

Another interesting issue that movie brought up is that: Is it neccessary to turn your back on someone for the success?
At some points, I think, YES~~~
Though the movie euphemized the ending with a friendly gesture, but I think, when people are on their ways to the better chances, there are times that you have to give up or sacrifice something, someone at some points.


Why do we desire something that is always hard to get?

I read an article from magazine today talked about how people's brains would produce 'Dopamine' when people craved for something they wanted. This chemical from brain would excite people to focus on hunting down their goals. Moreover, when some barriers occured keeping people from reaching their goals, brains would release more 'Dopamine' and which would enhance people's concentration on thier goal-huntings! This articale ended up with a conclusion explained why some women always craved for men that were already in relationships and vice versa, men were like that as well~

An object that is hard to get but makes people craving to death~~

I am thinking, could this craving for something or someone that is hard to get , merely be the curiosity of people?
The objects that arouse people's curiosity, but the feeling be mistakenly taken as the attraction?
So, for those who desire other people's BFs or GFs; could they only feel curious about other people's seem-to-be-good partners, but be attracted to?

It is quite possible because according to the ariticle, it mentioned that when the 'Desire' took place, brain would become irrational to keep people away from considering the realistic aspect. Since the chemical would make your brain superfocus on the things you are pursuing! It blinds the practical aspects of things that could be obvious to observe around you.

People get confused with their curiosity to the feeling of attraction that could produce something else such as lust and love.

I am haunted by this question my friend gave me. Still seeking an answer to it~~~ Not yet knowing a better way to put it down it words!

(Oh! Why do I always need more time to express myself in words?)


Chinese Teaching---Practice Two

I've been attending the Chinese Teaching extension course in school for 4 weeks now. So far, I'm still learning the Chinese Pinyin (Spelling). Don't know if our teacher will share more of her Chinese teaching experience?

Practice 2---What's your name?

**Fu Xi (Review)**

1. Wo (I/my/me)
2. Ni (You/your/your)
3. Ta (She/her/her--He/his/his)

**Sheng Zi (New Words)**

1. sheme (what)
2. mingzi (name)
3. jiaozuo (called)

**Ju Xing (Sentence Pattern)**

1. Ni jiaozuo sheme mingzi?----------What is your name?
Wo jiaozuo Ginger. ----------------------I am Ginger.

2. Ta jiaozuo sheme mingzi?-------- What is his/her name?
Ta jiaozuo Huizhen.-----------------Her name is Huizhen.

3. Wo jiaozuo sheme mingzi? ---------What is my name?
Ni jiaozuo Ginger. -------------------Your name is Ginger.


A "New" Ending to~~~~~

The Ocean Blue
Isla Ku, the Beautiful Blue
Where I long to be to refresh new
But it has a past that no one knew
The more I get to know it, the more, the truth to find not cute
Though it is waiting for the timing to reboot
Still the news makes me feel blue
Beautiful Blue, Beautiful Blue
May you always be one, which beauty stays in forever blue!
P.S. The reasons I took this post off were because I was still considering the ending line and some words in it. Also I wasn't so sure about the words "Isla Ku" and its meaning. I did this piece of work out of a sudden feeling. I did try to look it up in the dictionary though. I just couldn't put something down in words that I wasn't so sure about~~ :)
Maybe I was right about what I thought though~

Self-recognition, Self-Values and Personal Identity

As usual, I hung out with co-workers after work and came home late at night!
Also, like before, we were gossipping others, ourselves and events that happened in the company. And.....again, I felt that there was something I want to express but couldn't say before them.
Getting along with people requires a great technique concerning one's EQ and IQ! You have to decide what you can share and what you can't in order to keep the friendship going.
While we were sharing our studies, Jess made a comment that my major wasn't realistic and unpractical. It was probably true that using a literature major to make one's own living couldn't be much a help. But, I knew how it would enrich my spiritual life and how being a theoretical mind could help me to know myself more.
From our conversation, I realized that people, either men or women are all successively trying hard to find their own places, their own values.

Men were born as a more priviledge gender and have no identity problem for being males. Once the gender identification is clear, what they need is the recognition from the society.
Some search for their own identification and self-values through Politics and compete between themselves for a higher, more respectable status in the society.
Some others are seaching their through a different way.

Like Donny, my potential gay co-worker. I've known him for 4 years and never one day had doubt that he could be gay.
Being homosexual in Taiwan is not like one being in Western country. Especially, if you were born as a male gender that people expected you to be family-responsible for carrying on the family lineage. Even working in a open-minded place like we do, Donny has never admitted in any way around that he is gay. But from the time we shared, all evidence has pointed him with this very inclination.

He is now a graduate student in Tourism. He said, he'd like to do the research on 'The traveling patterns for those who are homosexual! and How they would consider their destinations when going on vacations?'

Also, he talked about how he always felt short when competed with others that were graduated from the universties abroad! (I feel the same way, too! It is all about working-ecology we have here in Taiwan. Taiwanese who graduated from the universities abroad have better chances to get higher hourly pay and they somehow despise people like us. Because we learn our English in Taiwan and have no experience study abroad)

Then, our conversation difted off to one of our coworker, who was from India, but he told our clients that he was from England. How pathetic!
Why couldn't he be honest to who he really was? He has dark skin and most of the time people here recognize him as a Black.
He wasn't the only case, I know. Like what I've mentioned before, there were some Taiwanese coworkers of mine who told people either they were from America or Canada.

Maybe our people who study English in the language center don't know much about western cultures, even though they were all so rich to have been to many countries in the world. But their myth about foreigner in Taiwan are still believing that they are all from the well-developed western countries. Someone like my Indian coworker could have be looked down if he told people he was from India. So, I couldn't judge too much about why he hid his identity.

There were many times when people asked me how I'd learned my English. They thought that my English was good and didn't have much accent compare to others.
When people asked me that, I would start struggling in my heart. I know well, they believe people couldn't have spoken good English if they didn't study abroad. But the thing was I never did. Still, I would tell them the truth that I never had studied abroad. When they got the answer, they would ,first, be surprised and asked me how I'd done that, then there was this paltry, tiny reaction coming out from their eyes that made me felt uncomfortable and very insecure. The thing is, I can't face myself if I denied myself with the part that I really am. I'm proud of how I am even though I never had the experience that people expected.

It is the same as Donny, he is working hard and studying hard in trying to prove to others that he is smart and capable of things as the way he is.

Everyone deserves to be happy and feels content of who s/he is!
Many people are trying hard to recognize themselves without realizing that!
To those who are self-conscious enough to their own identification, are still in the soul-searching quests for a never end.


Brain Dead

Being brain productive isn't something I've accomplished recently. My mind is always somewhere else when I'm teaching, talking to friends or people around me. What was I thinking about really? For example, I was thinking about what to post on my own blog? When I had a topic or thing that I would like to say in my mind, I started thinking how I should construct it into a piece of article, then many times the things just went nowhere because somehow, I decided the thing that I was thinking in my mind wasn't rich enough or boring to talk about. But it is my blog, you know~~~ Couldn't I just post things I want without worrying about others?
Then, it's that I tried read some books recently! But I just couldn't focus on the one I was reading and my mind would flow away from the lines I was reading from the books, it would lead to another string of thinking related to the lines or not even related~~~
Anyway, I feel that I am sort of stupid lately.
The only thing I've accomplished is filling up my wardrobe with the all kinds of items I purchased these days.
Cosmetics, clothing, accessories, more cosmetics, bags and shoes.......
I was literally becoming a shopaholic~~~~~Gee~~~ (But if I am, then maybe all women are shopaholics!)
It is really like an addiction. But it didn't make me feel any happier or fulfilled, I feel very empty and think I need more items for different purposes.

While women in some countries are still taken as men's properties or in some others, women couldn't even reveal their looks by convering up with veil.
Women in Taiwan are way luckier! We are treated with less sexual discrimination. Maybe some countrysides, some men still have conservatives concepts about women. But, generally speaking, women are treated fairly well as one gender. But something else has became a burden of being a woman.
How to always stay young and spicy women? Many women are so beautiful here~ Higher percentage of women are becoming more self-conscious and knowing they deserve things better by pampering themselves with all differents treatments. They keep their figure fit ~~~Doing SPA, working out~~~ Doing yoga. They all eager in learning the tips of fashion on how to dress up into different styles.
Walking on the streets in Taipei or Taichung. What you will see are lots of hot spicies with great stylish outfits and creative fashion senses.
Such an competitive environment has made women become their own competitors on the gender issue.
Often time, I just feel myself being bulky and ugly among them!
It is not like that I didn't do anything to make myself a better looking. It is just that being in such an competitive environment, you'd never able to top on someone else because the fact is that you're getting older day after day.
It becomes a vicious circle somehow that you're pursuing a goal without an end.
I'd better give myself some time to do or read something and try to be productive in mind!
Or else I would have to change the title of this blog into something else~


A Ghost that haunts me from getting to the future~~~

為什麼? 你總是在最不該出現的時候出現呢? 每當我期待著對未來的可能性時,你總是會在這時候出現來使我想起我那不堪的過去!
我為什麼要讓曾重重傷害我的人,來過問我的生活? 這不是太諷刺了嗎?
我只想把這過去拋的遠遠的,想著我可能的未來.期待著~~ 我未來的另一半會好好的疼惜我, 愛我~~~
How could I get to the future when the past is haunting me at the present?