Catatonic mind

Being cautious is good when one's dealing with something essential! Or, maybe not, because the one who dares to take the risk holds a better chance to succeed!

One's fate lies in one's hand! That's certainly true~ Because my personality had many times troubled me with unneccessary worries.

Take this time surgery for example: I was pretty evasive about laparoscopy before because the fallopian tubes are right next to the ovaries and and I was afraid I would be mistreated, since too many mispractices had occured out of doctors' carelessness or laziness.

My mom was an innocent victim under this circumstance. Back in 2005, she was under a surgery to lift up her bladder and to remove her uterus. Because not only these 2 organs had aged but also sunk by gravity and inflexibility. To our surprise was that some time after the surgery, my mom went to another doctor to consult something else. The sonograph showed that one of her ovaries was gone.

My mom said, she didn't recall agreeing to have her ovaries removed. My brother was very angry about this. Even though, my mom is already into her menopause, still there is no reason having healthy organ removed. So, why did the doctor do so?
It's not hard to understand!! Our national insurance have many flaws and one of them is that every surgery costs a price and the hospitals get refund from our government based on the insurance policies. It's all about money!! The evil doctor just thought my mom was over reproductive age and she no longer needed her ovary.

That's what stirs my catatonic nerve~~~
But just to think of the possibility of losing my ovaries like my mom did really drives me crazy!! One worries me further more is that my fertility doctor and the doc. who did this surgery were schoolmates. They are friends and know each other's family. What if one covers for the other?

In oder to calm my nerves down and to stop the nonsence, I visited a female gyno next my apartment. I told her my worries and she checked me right away!

I am fine~~~
The black voids I saw from my post-surgical follow-up check were not my ovaries. They were the voids where my tubes supposed to be.

I am totally relieved now!!

All I can say is I am under a super big stress to have a baby for the family. I have to exclude the elements that might block my way to motherhood.


After Laparoscopy

It has been 3 weeks after the surgery. The after-surgery care instruction mentioned that it takes about 4-6 weeks to recover fully. So, I still avoid lifting anything above 6 pounds, including my beloved dog. The incision wounds on my belly healed quickly after about a week and I didn't suffer much of the after-effects the nursed mentioned. I only felt a bit sore around my throat because of the anesthesia. Other than that, I didn't feel the shoulder pain they told me I would have.

The body surface recovers well on me. Only some twinges still occur from time to time! I guess it takes more time to heal inside.

After the tapes were removed, I got to see how the wounds are like. If I stand in front of the mirror, the incision on my navel is hardly seen. Only that my navel was shallower then, now my belly button seems deeper.

The 2 incisions on the sides, on the other hand, are much more obvious. From the whole, they are rather small comparing with the fatty belly I have. But when I look at them from a sitting position, they simply reveal the ugliness.

Because the ectopic P was on the left, the scar on my left side was bigger. The scar tissue healed off as a round and bean-like shape. I hate to touch because I would have the urge to scratch it.

The right one is much smaller and narrower, but still feel bumpy in hand touch.
The worst thing is they are not on the levarage. One is higher than the other one!

What if I want to wear bikini and one scar is not inside the cover?
I guess the doctors don't care about this issue~~ My doctor didn't even think I needed to use any cosmetic tape. They have absolutely no idea how important it is to women to have no scars.

One thing that I think is good is my belly fat~

When I received my first IVF treatment, I needed to give myself shots on my belly. I was pretty happy that I had fat around the belly. Because I didn't feel much pain, the needle could only reach the fat level under the skin.
If I were someone thinner with no fat. I guess it would have caused lots of pain into the muscle.

This time, the incisions after laparoscopy, I was thankful again to my belly fat.
Because my belly was so round and fatty, I didn't feel much tearing pain when I walked or moved.

The fat probably stuck together automatically right after the operation was performed. The fat might have been so sticky that it left no room and so the skin could have healed so quickly.

I hope I can feel better soon from inside and have my normal life back. Walking my dog .....etc.


Laparoscopy Aug.31,2010

I'm 160 cm / 57 kg with BMI 22. Not too thin, but doesn't fit to the beauty norm here in Taiwan either! I am considered quite bulky to many's eyes, so is that why I can't squeeze into mommyhood?
A stupid statement? I know....how stupid it sounds~
I can't hide how depressed I am though.

Last Monday, I was admitted to the hospital for the next morning surgery. The decision was made in the haste. I was seeing the doctor for the follow-up check about my HCG which had been causing a great panic for a whole week. I was hoping to hear the good news about the MTX effect, but the embryo didn't seem to cave whatsoever, it rose even higher up to 819.44.

The whole thing went back to July 21, when I recieved the ET, the second try to conceive.
The ET procedure went much better than IVF, since I didn't need to get plenty shots for egg-retrieving.
All I did this time was watching out for the ovulating time and visited doc, then the doctor simply chose a date to do the FET. 4 were placed.

After that, I waited impatiently for 14 days for the result. Patience seemed to be an impossible virtue. Coun't wait the result to be announced. This time I'd decided not to wait until the 14th day. I secretly used HPT to get the result without telling my husband.
Suprisingly, it showed a very very light pink line. I tried not to say a word and I performed it again the next morning, a little bit stronger light pink, but still light. My very first time!!! I had never been pregnant before~~
My husband had noticed my getting-up-too-early behavior and wondered why, after I showed him the stick with 2 lines. He burst out tears~~~I didn't.

The joy of possible parenthood didn't last long, on the 15th day the spotting showed. Light orange. I was told not to think too much but needed to be more cuatious.

The 21st day, the transvaginal ultrasound couldn't see the sac and the HCG test wasn't good enough. They told me to wait for another 7 days. Sometime it grew slow, they said.

On 23th I was admitted to the ER because I bled a lot. The inexperienced Intern Gyno said, he saw the sac and told me not to worry too much.

Until then I had no idea the embryo had landed the wrong spot!!!!

The reason I got the heavier flow was caused by a shrieking spasm through my tail bone.
It lasted for hours and I thought it was because of my old wound. I was wondering why my tail bone nerve pain came back to me after so long. The continual spasms ended up with the flow and I thought I lost it!!

On the 6 week of my pregnancy, the sac was still missing!! HCG test result went down to 200 sth. The spotting didn't stop~~

Natural miscarriage was to be expected ~~ the doc said.
I should stop taking Utrogeston and should have returned for a follow up check up after the flow ended.

Right after stopping the Utrogeston, the flow went heavier, but it didn't turn heavy enough as it supposed to be. Just unlike what I had before.

32rd day, the tail-bone spasms came back again, it lasted a whole night this tims.
On Auguest 23rd , I was admitted to the ER again~ only this time I went to a nearby hospital not where with a 50 minutes drive away in Taipei.

I was taken to the hospital by the paramedics with an ambulance. Because the pain was so great I couldn't even stand up. 3 pain-killer shots, 2 blood tests, 1 intra drip. A night with horrifying pain~ The pain-relieving shots were too strong and I cough for days.

I told the ER doc my condition, told him I received ET on July 21st and was in a state of the natural miscarriage. (Somehow my husabnd mistakenly told the paramedics that I might be having the ectopic pregnancy. Was that a 6th instinct or what, I dunno!!)

The ER arranged a Gyno to see me. It was the one I thought I would go to after the end of the miscarriage. Because I thought the second failure might had something to do with the hydrosalpinges I had.

I knew I had to cut the tubes, only that I wanted to get a second opinion!!
So, that's how coincident it was, the one on the duty that night was the doctor I was hoping to seek the opinion for.

I told him my medical history!! He decided to run another HCG test and asked me to return the same week on Friday.

Auguest 27, the HCG result from 23rd was 285.

Weird enough!!! On the 6th week of my pregnancy was 200sth. after 7 days, it was 285.
How was that possible? I asked the doctor. Everything was possible he told me.
Another blood test was suggested. On 27th, another blood test was run.
I returned the next day.
The HCG rose up to 750. From 23th to 27th, the HCG rose from 285-750.

It was a Saturday, the doctor gave me a MTX shot to abort it.
I should return earlier for another blood test after 2 days on Monday.

Even higher, MTX didn't work~~HCG was up to 819.44.

I can't tell how panic I was. I was feeling chills on my spine!!!

I was hoping I would never need to confront the hydro problem.

With the hydrosalpinges I had, and the apparent the ectopic pregnancy I was in.
Doctor suggested I got it over with all together. He said he could have given me aother MTX but I would have needed to fix the hydro problems anyway after this.

I was forced to confront my bilateral hydro earlier~~
The surgery this time takes longer time and I was under a full anesthesia with a tube in my mouth that sounded horrible.

It was good that the hospital physicians and nurses kept confirming the surgery I was taking with me. Their SOP could show how much they cared not to make any mistakes.
However, it was just too much to be told how I was going to be placed with a tube in my mouth and how painful I might be feeling after I woke up.

The one thing that broke my nerves was that my doctor was late. He was in a meeting and left his cell in his office. I was held up in my bed for about an hour while nurses were calling him.

Totally not okay~~~~
The same night, I was expecting his visit from my ward and it was this close that he might miss again.
I had no idea why he became so evasive after the surgery. Although he told me everything was done as our discussion. One side was taaken out, the other side was cut off.

I was feeling so insecure about what he did. Still I told myself he was well-known in this hospital and there was no reason why someone like him would want to ruin his own reputation.

A 41 day disaster finally stepped off stage on August 31st~~~