tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-267095622024-03-13T11:12:20.889+08:00Mommy-to-beMarriage is an experience that elevates life into another level of enrichemnt. one's life might therefore become more fulfilled and complete. An option, not an obligation!Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.comBlogger134125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-87428559230965004182011-05-15T13:42:00.002+08:002011-05-15T14:06:45.617+08:00An expecting mom in 23 weeks.It has been a real long way to come this far. I am all grateful for being able to succeed within 2-year time.<br /><br />To those who still working hard on becoming mothers, I sincerely hope their wishes be granted sooner!! It's unspeakable hard to go through every step that requires! With supports of men or not, it's not something men can totally understand. Looking back to the beginning of my quest of conceiving, I realize no matter how difficult and painful it was, not even mattered how strangely methods people suggested, dreadfully tiring feeling vanished as soon as you found out you were pregnant.<br /><br />"It's all worth it in the end!" like those before me had said.<br /><br />I am an expecting mom in 23 weeks!! I am looking forward to seeing my baby with all my heart.Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-39001791815909549042010-09-24T18:27:00.003+08:002010-09-24T20:54:46.704+08:00Catatonic mindBeing cautious is good when one's dealing with something essential! Or, maybe not, because the one who dares to take the risk holds a better chance to succeed!<br /><br />One's fate lies in one's hand! That's certainly true~ Because my personality had many times troubled me with unneccessary worries.<br /><br /><br />Take this time surgery for example: I was pretty evasive about laparoscopy before because the fallopian tubes are right next to the ovaries and and I was afraid I would be mistreated, since too many mispractices had occured out of doctors' carelessness or laziness.<br /><br />My mom was an innocent victim under this circumstance. Back in 2005, she was under a surgery to lift up her bladder and to remove her uterus. Because not only these 2 organs had aged but also sunk by gravity and inflexibility. To our surprise was that some time after the surgery, my mom went to another doctor to consult something else. The sonograph showed that one of her ovaries was gone.<br /><br />My mom said, she didn't recall agreeing to have her ovaries removed. My brother was very angry about this. Even though, my mom is already into her menopause, still there is no reason having healthy organ removed. So, why did the doctor do so?<br />It's not hard to understand!! Our national insurance have many flaws and one of them is that every surgery costs a price and the hospitals get refund from our government based on the insurance policies. It's all about money!! The evil doctor just thought my mom was over reproductive age and she no longer needed her ovary.<br /><br />That's what stirs my catatonic nerve~~~<br />But just to think of the possibility of losing my ovaries like my mom did really drives me crazy!! One worries me further more is that my fertility doctor and the doc. who did this surgery were schoolmates. They are friends and know each other's family. What if one covers for the other?<br /><br />Ah~~~~<br />In oder to calm my nerves down and to stop the nonsence, I visited a female gyno next my apartment. I told her my worries and she checked me right away!<br /><br />I am fine~~~<br />The black voids I saw from my post-surgical follow-up check were not my ovaries. They were the voids where my tubes supposed to be.<br /><br />I am totally relieved now!!<br /><br />All I can say is I am under a super big stress to have a baby for the family. I have to exclude the elements that might block my way to motherhood.Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-32788429453369277072010-09-21T12:58:00.004+08:002010-09-21T14:01:42.757+08:00After LaparoscopyIt has been 3 weeks after the surgery. The after-surgery care instruction mentioned that it takes about 4-6 weeks to recover fully. So, I still avoid lifting anything above 6 pounds, including my beloved dog. The incision wounds on my belly healed quickly after about a week and I didn't suffer much of the after-effects the nursed mentioned. I only felt a bit sore around my throat because of the anesthesia. Other than that, I didn't feel the shoulder pain they told me I would have.<br /><br />The body surface recovers well on me. Only some twinges still occur from time to time! I guess it takes more time to heal inside.<br /><br />After the tapes were removed, I got to see how the wounds are like. If I stand in front of the mirror, the incision on my navel is hardly seen. Only that my navel was shallower then, now my belly button seems deeper.<br /><br />The 2 incisions on the sides, on the other hand, are much more obvious. From the whole, they are rather small comparing with the fatty belly I have. But when I look at them from a sitting position, they simply reveal the ugliness.<br /><br />Because the ectopic P was on the left, the scar on my left side was bigger. The scar tissue healed off as a round and bean-like shape. I hate to touch because I would have the urge to scratch it.<br /><br />The right one is much smaller and narrower, but still feel bumpy in hand touch.<br />The worst thing is they are not on the levarage. One is higher than the other one!<br /><br />What if I want to wear bikini and one scar is not inside the cover?<br />I guess the doctors don't care about this issue~~ My doctor didn't even think I needed to use any cosmetic tape. They have absolutely no idea how important it is to women to have no scars.<br /><br />One thing that I think is good is my belly fat~<br /><br />When I received my first IVF treatment, I needed to give myself shots on my belly. I was pretty happy that I had fat around the belly. Because I didn't feel much pain, the needle could only reach the fat level under the skin. <br />If I were someone thinner with no fat. I guess it would have caused lots of pain into the muscle.<br /><br />This time, the incisions after laparoscopy, I was thankful again to my belly fat.<br />Because my belly was so round and fatty, I didn't feel much tearing pain when I walked or moved. <br /><br />The fat probably stuck together automatically right after the operation was performed. The fat might have been so sticky that it left no room and so the skin could have healed so quickly.<br /><br />I hope I can feel better soon from inside and have my normal life back. Walking my dog .....etc.<br /><br /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5519228154450536610" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/TJg8w6xb6KI/AAAAAAAAA1Q/1KcMTasrrWQ/s320/P1060149.JPG" /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/TJg9O1nyEbI/AAAAAAAAA1Y/2yRRoJalymY/s1600/P1060154.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5519228668463944114" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/TJg9O1nyEbI/AAAAAAAAA1Y/2yRRoJalymY/s320/P1060154.JPG" /></a><br /><div><br /><br /><div></div></div>Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-6285998326550812852010-09-08T18:41:00.003+08:002010-09-13T01:34:55.139+08:00Laparoscopy Aug.31,2010I'm 160 cm / 57 kg with BMI 22. Not too thin, but doesn't fit to the beauty norm here in Taiwan either! I am considered quite bulky to many's eyes, so is that why I can't squeeze into mommyhood?<br />A stupid statement? I know....how stupid it sounds~<br />I can't hide how depressed I am though.<br /><br />Last Monday, I was admitted to the hospital for the next morning surgery. The decision was made in the haste. I was seeing the doctor for the follow-up check about my HCG which had been causing a great panic for a whole week. I was hoping to hear the good news about the MTX effect, but the embryo didn't seem to cave whatsoever, it rose even higher up to 819.44.<br /><br />The whole thing went back to July 21, when I recieved the ET, the second try to conceive.<br />The ET procedure went much better than IVF, since I didn't need to get plenty shots for egg-retrieving.<br />All I did this time was watching out for the ovulating time and visited doc, then the doctor simply chose a date to do the FET. 4 were placed.<br /><br />After that, I waited impatiently for 14 days for the result. Patience seemed to be an impossible virtue. Coun't wait the result to be announced. This time I'd decided not to wait until the 14th day. I secretly used HPT to get the result without telling my husband.<br />Suprisingly, it showed a very very light pink line. I tried not to say a word and I performed it again the next morning, a little bit stronger light pink, but still light. My very first time!!! I had never been pregnant before~~<br />My husband had noticed my getting-up-too-early behavior and wondered why, after I showed him the stick with 2 lines. He burst out tears~~~I didn't.<br /><br />The joy of possible parenthood didn't last long, on the 15th day the spotting showed. Light orange. I was told not to think too much but needed to be more cuatious.<br /><br />The 21st day, the transvaginal ultrasound couldn't see the sac and the HCG test wasn't good enough. They told me to wait for another 7 days. Sometime it grew slow, they said.<br /><br />On 23th I was admitted to the ER because I bled a lot. The inexperienced Intern Gyno said, he saw the sac and told me not to worry too much.<br /><br />Until then I had no idea the embryo had landed the wrong spot!!!!<br /><br />The reason I got the heavier flow was caused by a shrieking spasm through my tail bone.<br />It lasted for hours and I thought it was because of my old wound. I was wondering why my tail bone nerve pain came back to me after so long. The continual spasms ended up with the flow and I thought I lost it!!<br /><br />On the 6 week of my pregnancy, the sac was still missing!! HCG test result went down to 200 sth. The spotting didn't stop~~<br /><br />Natural miscarriage was to be expected ~~ the doc said.<br />I should stop taking Utrogeston and should have returned for a follow up check up after the flow ended.<br /><br />Right after stopping the Utrogeston, the flow went heavier, but it didn't turn heavy enough as it supposed to be. Just unlike what I had before.<br /><br />32rd day, the tail-bone spasms came back again, it lasted a whole night this tims.<br />On Auguest 23rd , I was admitted to the ER again~ only this time I went to a nearby hospital not where with a 50 minutes drive away in Taipei.<br /><br />I was taken to the hospital by the paramedics with an ambulance. Because the pain was so great I couldn't even stand up. 3 pain-killer shots, 2 blood tests, 1 intra drip. A night with horrifying pain~ The pain-relieving shots were too strong and I cough for days.<br /><br />I told the ER doc my condition, told him I received ET on July 21st and was in a state of the natural miscarriage. (Somehow my husabnd mistakenly told the paramedics that I might be having the ectopic pregnancy. Was that a 6th instinct or what, I dunno!!)<br /><br />The ER arranged a Gyno to see me. It was the one I thought I would go to after the end of the miscarriage. Because I thought the second failure might had something to do with the hydrosalpinges I had.<br /><br />I knew I had to cut the tubes, only that I wanted to get a second opinion!!<br />So, that's how coincident it was, the one on the duty that night was the doctor I was hoping to seek the opinion for.<br /><br />I told him my medical history!! He decided to run another HCG test and asked me to return the same week on Friday.<br /><br />Auguest 27, the HCG result from 23rd was 285.<br /><br />Weird enough!!! On the 6th week of my pregnancy was 200sth. after 7 days, it was 285.<br />How was that possible? I asked the doctor. Everything was possible he told me.<br />Another blood test was suggested. On 27th, another blood test was run.<br />I returned the next day.<br />The HCG rose up to 750. From 23th to 27th, the HCG rose from 285-750.<br /><br />It was a Saturday, the doctor gave me a MTX shot to abort it.<br />I should return earlier for another blood test after 2 days on Monday.<br /><br />Even higher, MTX didn't work~~HCG was up to 819.44.<br /><br />I can't tell how panic I was. I was feeling chills on my spine!!!<br /><br />I was hoping I would never need to confront the hydro problem.<br /><br />With the hydrosalpinges I had, and the apparent the ectopic pregnancy I was in.<br />Doctor suggested I got it over with all together. He said he could have given me aother MTX but I would have needed to fix the hydro problems anyway after this.<br /><br />I was forced to confront my bilateral hydro earlier~~<br />The surgery this time takes longer time and I was under a full anesthesia with a tube in my mouth that sounded horrible.<br /><br />It was good that the hospital physicians and nurses kept confirming the surgery I was taking with me. Their SOP could show how much they cared not to make any mistakes.<br />However, it was just too much to be told how I was going to be placed with a tube in my mouth and how painful I might be feeling after I woke up.<br /><br />The one thing that broke my nerves was that my doctor was late. He was in a meeting and left his cell in his office. I was held up in my bed for about an hour while nurses were calling him.<br /><br />Totally not okay~~~~<br />The same night, I was expecting his visit from my ward and it was this close that he might miss again.<br />I had no idea why he became so evasive after the surgery. Although he told me everything was done as our discussion. One side was taaken out, the other side was cut off.<br /><br />I was feeling so insecure about what he did. Still I told myself he was well-known in this hospital and there was no reason why someone like him would want to ruin his own reputation.<br /><br />A 41 day disaster finally stepped off stage on August 31st~~~<br /><br />DEPRESSED~~Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-1596214818627220692010-05-24T20:40:00.004+08:002010-05-24T23:00:57.706+08:00Getting prepared for the upcoming Summer!The second semester is coming to the end and my second IVF is about to begin soon. After the first fail, I realized I wasn't brave nor optimistic~~I still remember the very last time I gave prayer to God and somehow, after I deliverd my speech, I felt like a-balloon-let-go. At that moment I felt my GOD wasn't with me~~<br /><br />That's so scary and from then, I haven't yet been able to bring up the courage to step into the temple to lit up a candle.<br /><br />Saying that, after 3 months of rest and reboost, with that ticking clock tailing behind my back, I pressed down the button making appoitnment with my doctor this morning inquiring the second round.<br /><br />I asked about the tube-cutting surgery, the blood test results from the last time process which I had never been informed of and several small questions; such as, "How much can caffeine affect?" "How long should one stay in bed?" "How serious can retroverted U's effect to the egg placement?"<br />"Should I take this Vita or that?"<br /><br />No,no,no,no....were the answers to the above.<br />My hormone blood tests were fine! The only big problem that needs to be fixed is my tubes.<br />The retroflexed U causes no impact whatsoever.<br />Caffeine determines nothing! One cup of coffee a day won't chip your baby away.<br />So, I have no plan in changing my tea habit.<br /><br />That's rather strange because many dicussions from forums of infertility in Taiwan strongly recommend caffeine-free pregnancy, organic food diet.<br /><br />Before I went, I maneuvered the conversation and the questions. I thought about getting the surgery first, so I could remove the factor that might jeopardise the foetus.<br /><br />I read from a book saying that hydrosalpinge lower the chance of IVF, while the ratio of successful IVF only reaches 20-30%.<br /><br /><br />It seems wiser to cut the tubes first, but to cut them off is like cutting of all hope of motherhood.<br /><br />Ah~~~it is so tough!!Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-5935175381689312432010-02-21T02:34:00.005+08:002010-02-23T20:39:15.762+08:00After 14 days of Waiting, First IVF Failed!!<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#ff0000;">Feb 3, 2010</span><br /><br /><br />I was told to check in the hospital in the early morning at 10 for collecting my eggs. It was just a one-day operation,so no hospitalization was required.<br /><br />Although it was rather a small surgery, a full-body anesthesia was needed. It was my second time in the operation room since last August. I wasn't nervous at all.<br /><br />Report to the counter, filled in the forms they requested, put on the surgical outfit, waiting patiently at the waiting area with my mom and husband.<br /><br /><br /><br />Before I went in, one patient was pushed out to the recovery area, a doctor was talking to her husband, annoucing the bad news of egg-collecting.<br /><br /><br /><br />We didn't mean to overhear, but somehow, we couldn't help ourselves paying attention to what the doctor said. The doctor of that patient was unable to collect any eggs from her, even though the ultrasound showed a postive result before the surgery.<br /><br /><br /><br />I was the 4th. When my name was called, I walked quickly to counter. The nurse there asked me to lie down on one bed and take off my glasses.<br /><br />They pushed me into the room where another 3 were waiting for me, settled everything for me.<br /><br />In order to relax my mood, they even asked me if I would like to listen to some music. I didn't mind, they laughed and said; " Certainly you won't know when you are under anesthesai."<br /><br />Stuck the pads on me for EKG! Poked the needle on my hand for anesthesia.<br /><br />This was the worst part. Didn't know what happened to that nurse, she couldn't push it through my vein and did it a second time. What's worse, she failed the 2nd time as well and there went the 3rd time.<br /><br /><br /><br />I didn't know if they had realized how big and thick the needle was. They did say sorry and let another nurse did the 3rd time.<br /><br /><br /><br />I passed out~~~When I came to, the first question I asked was " How many eggs did they collect?"<br /><br /><br /><br />22 / 22 eggs.<br /><br />Thanks GOD~<br /><br /><br /><br />I went home the same day, tired and weak. It hurt more the first time.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Feb 4th, 2010</span><br /><br /><br /><br />10 in the morning, I called the reproductive center again for the result.<br /><br />Out of 22 eggs, 18 were fertilized. They said, 15 fertilized eggs were to be frozen for the future.<br /><br />I needed to report to the hospital again for embryo transfer on 6th.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Feb 6th, 2010</span><br /><br /><br /><br />With my still swollen belly, felt like I was hit by a car on my belly. The soreness was all over at my abdomen left a great dragging feeling.<br /><br /><br /><br />Over 10 patients were getting their tranfers the same day. I was waiting for my doctor with my husband quietly among the couples.<br /><br /><br />My appointment was 11, we reported there at 9: 40.<br /><br /><br />At 11: 25, the procedure was finished. It took less than 10 minutes, while I lied in the bed for transfer, I heard my doctor discuss my situation with another physician in the center. He was afraid I would have OHSS and thought only 1 embryo should have been planted.<br /><br />He had already discussed that with me on 3rd. I didn't disagree because he was the professional.<br /><br />Although there isn't any strong evidence showing that staying in bed will increase the embryo placement, they still let us stay in bed for 90 minutes before we go.<br /><br />Later that day, we filled our mind with fantacy.<br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Feb 7th, 2010</span><br /><br /><br />The heaviness at the lower belly continued~ So bloated.<br />Instead of lying in bed all day, we went to department store for dinner.<br />I didn't know if I was doing the right thing, but since many websites had said that it would have increased a higher pregnancy rate. I thought, perhaps a better blood circulation may have been helpful for embryo placement.<br /><br />From many forum I went to, the experienced ones still said, a few days in bed was needed.<br />But......well...<br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Feb 8th, 2010</span><br /><br />I slept a lot since the transfer and on 8th; when I woke up, somehow, I felt light<br />No water retention, no heaviness, still sore on the sides. Body weight---light.<br />I was thinking if........... but then I cut the thought off.<br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Feb 12th, 2010</span><br /><br />6 days after the transfer, the first follow-up blood test. For what kind of hormone test, I had absolutely no idea. Only know that it was about medicine adjustment.<br /><br />I called back at 6 pm as usual. They said, the report showed 'okay.' Just continued the dose I was taking.<br /><br />Early that morning, the nurse in the center asked if I had felt bloated. I said; only at the first 2 days.<br /><br />I knew what she meant of course. I had checked many websites during that 6 days.<br />Some successful cases said that if felt bloated at the second week before running the pregnancy test, usually, the bloated one shown a better sucessful rate.<br /><br />I had all my heart hoping that I would feel bloated again soon.<br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Feb 13th, 2010</span><br /><br />It was Chinese New Year's Eve.<br />This year, I went back to my parents for new year because it seemed better for me this way. Otherwise, I would have had to help my in-law's catering business during new year.<br />That is the routine in my husband's family.<br />Doing a catering business is when others want to save their trouble in the kitechen, they know they have us to let them bring home the cooked dishes.<br />So, usually, working working working is how my husband's family have for new year.<br /><br />Even at home with my own parents, I couldn't stop the uneasiness of the next 7 days.<br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Feb 19th, 2010</span><br /><br />Got up early and drove to the hospital. It was our first time doing it, usually we take train and MRT.<br /><br />It's the day to find out the answer. I didn't have much confidence!<br />One-- only one was planted.<br />Two--the success rate of one embryo transfer is 20-30%<br /><br />The nurse asked again if I felt bloated. "yes!" I said.<br />But could that be a postive sign, I didn't know.<br /><br />There are sure to be someone else who didn't feel anything but conceived successfully, right?<br />I tried to ask them about my other 15 fronzen embryo and how I should start my next transfer.<br />They didn't feel like answering it and asked if I had had the pregnancy test at home.<br />I replied; I just wanted to prepare in advance.<br /><br />6:00 in the evening.<br />picked up the phone and dialed the number, tell the doctor who I was. AND~~~~~<br /><br />It came out "NEGATIVE!"<br />&<br />I should make an appointment with my doctor consulting the next transfer.<br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Even though, we had prepared ourselves this; knowing the chance was low. We couldn't resist the upsetting feelings washed over us.</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">We didn't talk much and Angus avoided the result by hitting the hays. </span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I felt so lost myself.</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I tried to think why? Why? </span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Was it that I didn't stay in bed for a week? Or was it because I walked my dog?</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">They did warn us not to lift something heavy. But how about walking a hyper dog?</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Could it be that I drank tea? They didn't mention anything about tea or coffee?</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">National Taiwan University Hospital is one of the biggest hospitals in Taiwan. This is the hospital I go since I was a child. I have a big pile of medical record there and I trust it with all the best doctors in Taiwan.</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">With all the well-skilled doctors and high medical tech. Its reproductive center didn't have a booklet or guildline for patients who undergo IVF what they should follow after the embryo transfer!!!</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">They didn't provide the rate for the blood test. No explanation either! </span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I didn't even know how good or how bad my eggs were.</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Many private reproductive clinics level the eggs into ABC or 123 quality.</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">They will also remind their patients of what to do and what not to do, what to eat and what should be more careful.</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">They tell their patients the numbers of different hormone rates. </span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I thought knowing those hormone rate didn't mean much to me because I am not an expert at this. knowing those will only cause worry and trouble to me.</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">But, at least, they should tell us what we should be more careful with? Such as: tea or not tea?</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">They didn't!!</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I read a lot opinions and questions from different forums. Many others like me mentioned that--</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">no alcohol and caffeine are allowed. </span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Stay in bed is needed. </span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">No sex.</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">No bathtub bath, no sauna or hotspring.</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I broke some from the above. Was it why I didn't conceive?</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Then, I thought of my Hydrosalpinges !!!!</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">My doc did mention it that it wasn't all impossible for hydrosalpinges to conceive successfully!</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">That was why I stepped right into IVF. </span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I thought if I could have conceived without having my tube burn off, why not giving it a try and perhaps I would have been lucky, who knew?</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I guess not!</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">I surfed the net all night looking for the article regarding the connection between IVF and hydrosalpinges.</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">Most of them said: "the rate to carry a newborn with 1 embryo transfer is 20-30%, but with bilateral hydro, the rate of success is 20-30% times 0.7-0.8. </span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">So it is 14-24%</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">In conclusion-- </span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">1. have my tubes cut off</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">2. try again with my frozen embryos</span><br /><span style="color:#cc33cc;">3. when?</span></span>Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-28319690843040286212010-02-10T16:58:00.008+08:002010-02-23T20:40:55.352+08:00Quest Begins<span style="font-size:130%;">After removing my septum, I took a few months resting, didn't feel like hurry for IVF. Of course, commuting back and forth between work and home exhausted me so much. I didn't want to tire myself out, however, I did go to Chinese doctor for my adjustment. She is famous in the field of women problems, including infertility of course. It was always difficult to consult her for more than 5 minutes after hours of waiting because she had too many patients to see within only a few hours of consulting time.
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<br />I still managed to see her every 2 weeks, being patient in taking the bitter Chinese medicine 3 times a day. In the meantime, having constant aruguements with my husband about his smoking habit. Always in mood swings for TO DO or NOT TO DO? Never stopped wondering why I should be the one to sacrifice so much while he still thought quitting his habit wouldn't have helped much.
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<br />Sometimes he would lose it and said; it was me who had the problem. F**K him!! ( I could have chosen not to do it. But I did because I thought we were one and being one meant he should have put some efforts too, right? Besides, he knew before we got married that I couldn't be pregnant easily)
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<br />Anyhow, I quit going to Chinese doctor after a couple times, though she was pretty confident in unblocking my tubes, which I wasn't so convinced of. How can my hydrosalpinx situation be unwided, scientifically speaking!!
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<br />So, by the time I quit, it was getting nearer to my winter vacation and there went again my journey of hospital visits.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">Dec. 13th, 2009</span>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />My cycle began, I knew it's time to make an appointment again to set into the IVF procedure.
<br />So, I made an appointment in a close by hospital in Taoyuan, anticipating a possible chance of getting IVF near home. Otherwise, I would have to travel regularly to and fro to Taipei. (It takes about a hour one way)
<br />
<br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">Dec. 15th, 2009</span>
<br />
<br />Doc. Chiang, a super popular doc in Taoyuan for those mommy-to-be or wanted-to-be. He took a few second flipping through the med record I brought, suggesting me underwent aother surgery for re-confirmation. He also adviced for unblocking my tubes to see if that would have worked.
<br />
<br />After walking out of the consulting room, I told my hubby I would go to Taipei to see Dr. Yang again. I just couldn't trust a doc whom I couln't discuss with.
<br />
<br />
<br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">Dec. 23th, 2009</span>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />In National Taiwan University Hospital again! Apparently I missed my Dec. chance for IVF.
<br />
<br />
<br />The whole process should be started by the time my BBT curve goes higher, it means when my temperature goes into higher period, that is time I can start getting medication.
<br />
<br />I didn't know that, so, by the time I saw Dr. Yang, I had to wait for 2 more weeks for the right timing.
<br />
<br />
<br />I talked to him about my hydrosalpinx again, consulting whether getting another surgery to cut the tubes off is necessary. He said, it's hard to say if that would affect IVF. If the situation did affect the embryo after transfered, then I should re-consider removing them.
<br />
<br />
<br />I spent nearly 30,000NT for the medication and brought them home waiting for the right timing to start. Also, right after seeing the doc., I went to a 3-hour training course for all IVF patients.
<br />
<br />
<br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">Jan. 4th, 2010</span>
<br />
<br />
<br />Maybe it was me feeling stressed or something, I didn't get higher temperature as I supposed to.
<br />
<br />The curve was still at the lower end. So, I visited doc again.
<br />
<br />
<br />I was told to wait a few more days for the upper end. Then I could go ahead for the nasal spray on the 7th day.
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<br />
<br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">Jan. 6th 2010</span>
<br />
<br />
<br />My second year Wedding Anniversary. The way to celebrate it was to receive HIV and Syphilis tests. We didn't realize it was our wedding anniversary after we took the tests.
<br />
<br />
<br />In the training course, it mentioned that in Taiwan, our government has strict laws for those couples who need IVF. We need to hand in the report to show we are STD free.
<br />
<br />In the process, I will have my blood drawn on the 2nd day of my period, for both my hormone level and STD. My husband's too, of course.
<br />
<br />But then it will take a whole week to find out the result. What should I have my mood pending for this while I had my whole mind thinking for the IVF.
<br />So, we decided to find a clinic to have the test.
<br />
<br />Certainly, the result came out the next day saying we were both STD free.
<br />
<br />
<br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">Jan 10th, 2010</span>
<br />
<br />
<br /><strong><em>Supremom</em></strong>
<br />
<br />
<br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436615712682045954" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/S3K9L664cgI/AAAAAAAAA0Y/0iLplrXoXYg/s320/P1050037.JPG" border="0" />
<br />Buserelin nasal spray, some kind of alternative treatment for hormone injection. It is a much easier method to inhale the hormone rather than putting a needle in tummy.
<br />
<br />4 times a day on both sides , 4-6 hours in between. It should be applied when you are told to stop.
<br />
<br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">Jan 19th, 2010</span>
<br />
<br />Spotting began, calling the reproductive medical center for the next day test.
<br /><span style="color:#ff6600;"></span>
<br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">Jan 20th, 2010</span>
<br />
<br />Got up early in the morning, took a 45-minute train to Taipei main station, got on the subway. Reported to the reproductive center on 9th floor. Handed in the STD report, ID, ID copies.
<br />
<br />They had to make sure we were married to each other. Filled in some forms. Reported again to the blood-drawing center.
<br />Beared in mind that I needed to call at 6 pm for the next step.
<br />
<br /><strong><<6:00pm>></strong>
<br />
<br />Cut down the dose on Supremom. From now, 4 times a day, one side at a time.
<br />225IU <strong><em>Gonal-F</em></strong> injection should be applied every day at 8 pm, started on 21st.
<br />
<br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436615721831168066" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/S3K9MdAM-EI/AAAAAAAAA0g/nX6PnuGE4B8/s320/P1050118.JPG" border="0" />
<br />
<br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436615730331923666" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/S3K9M8q8NNI/AAAAAAAAA0o/u7Saqk7bHbI/s320/P1050123.JPG" border="0" />
<br />( Why 8 pm? At the training, they said, giving us a certain time to follow cuts down the worries for some women to feel distraught on when to do what)
<br />
<br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">Jan 21st, 2010</span>
<br />
<br />Angus promised to be home as earlier as he could manage to help me with my injection. I knew it was quite impossible because of the traffic. I was mentally prepared to do it myself if he couldn't have made it
<br />
<br />At 8:00 pm
<br />
<br />he called and said he would be late and asked if it would have been much different if I performed it later. I guess not. I said: " I'll wait!"
<br />
<br />
<br />At 8:30 pm
<br />
<br />He walked in to see I had prepared the needle pen and all. He wanted to help, but I said no.
<br />Because he couldn't be with me every night at 8. I said I would do it myself with him watching.
<br />I checked the label for 225 IU, hooked up the needle, open the alcohol swap and sterilize the part under my naval button. Pull the safety click.
<br />
<br />Took a deep breath, punch in the needle. click the needle pen....one, two, three, four. wait for 10 seconds, pull it up.
<br />Some blood gush out of the hole. I screamed~~~ pressed it hard with another alcohol swap.
<br />I DIDN'T cry!! Felt released to do it though.
<br />
<br />
<br /></span><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436612686660288674" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/S3K6byHEwKI/AAAAAAAAA0Q/ktkVIWTSCes/s320/P1050113.JPG" border="0" /> (I was too nervous, so accidently rubbed it and left bruise)
<br />
<br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">Jan 21st--Jan 24th, 2010 / Thursday-Sunday</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Gonal-F shots for 4 days</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Supremom, 4 times a day</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Needed to return to hospital on Monday</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;color:#ff0000;">Jan 25th--26th, 2010 / Monday-Tuesday</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Ultrasound + Blood test ( I had many follicles)</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Continued 225 IU for Gonal-F / Supremom</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Report to the hospital on <em>Wednesday</em></span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;color:#ff0000;">Jan 27th--28th, 2010 / Wednesday-Thursday</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Ultrasound + Blood test ( My doc thought my follicles were growing too slow. I asked why? Had it to do with caffeine. I drink tea a lot. He said No. It was because of the numbers of follicles I had)</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Gonal-F as usual, stopped Supremom</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Returned on <em>Friday</em></span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;color:#ff6600;">Jan 29th, 2010 / Friday</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Ultrasound + blood test (still too small, so they added another kind of injection)</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Gonal-F 225 IU</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Luveris 75 IU.</span></p>
<br /><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436615751913143922" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/S3K9ONETfnI/AAAAAAAAA04/0ypW2UoTIMQ/s320/P1050127.JPG" border="0" />
<br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436615741453223874" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/S3K9NmGdx8I/AAAAAAAAA0w/_JhxuQA3sO8/s320/P1050125.JPG" border="0" /> </span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;color:#ff0000;">Jan 30th-31st ,2010 / Saturday-Sunday</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Received my forth ultrasound this week. My vein was poked for blood test the 4th time within 7 days.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;color:#ff0000;">Feb 1st, 2010</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Many of follicles had reached the standard sizes. I was told to check in on Wednesday for collecting eggs.
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<br /></span></p>
<br />Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-88206508518212377082010-02-01T18:17:00.004+08:002010-02-23T20:41:28.841+08:00My first surgery<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#3333ff;">Back in August, 2009</span><br /><br />In order to get the best result, the Septoplasty is normally done a few days after the menstrual period. Right after the surgery, the doctor will place an balloon inside the uterus to prevent the tissue scars. 3 days later, the first time follow-up visit is needed, doc will remove the balloon and after another 7 days, it comes the better time to remove any scarring occured. Usually one follow-up visist for the scarring removing is neccessary. Then, the last follow-up visit needs to be waited until the next cycle ends. This is the whole process !!<br />Mine goes a bit longer then normally expected!!It's because I have been having irregular period since the beginning of 2009. I didn't know when my flow would arrive in August. This shouldn't have been an problem, since the new semester in college won't started until the mid Sep. I knew, I had plenty of time to recover myself.The thing is, in Taiwan, we have ghost month every lunar July. It was coming near while I was waiting for my irregular period to pay its visit. Our traditional taboo is avoiding making any big decisions relates to life matters in lunar July, the ghost month. Nothing is auspiciou in this month!! My mom was worried sick, of course!! But my situation left me no ability to do anything about it. It kept me waiting until Aug. 7th. I couldn' t see the doc. until the 10th and the doctor didn't want me to miss the best timing, he fitted me into a 3-day hospitalization program, started on 13th.There weren't so many things to do on the first day.<br />I was told to check in the hospital in the early morning for blood test, urine test, X-ray, EKG first. Then, I needed to report to the Inpatient Admission. The nurse who was in charged, took my blood pressure to make sure I wasn't too nervous about the surgery the next day and asked me to fill out different forms which asked pretty much the same questions over and over. She keyed in my medical history into her laptop to build up the data, then dutifully, she remined me of a prepare-patient-before-and-after-surgery course at 2 pm that same day.It was my first surgery in my life time. I was pretty struggled before it, but after some researches, online discussions. I had prepared myself well enough to face it and when the time I was in the hospital, nothing seemed to be too big a deal.My husband took 2 days off to show his support. Thanks to his playful personality, we were chatting merrily for something else, relaxed ourselves sitting on the adjustable bed, reading magazines, eating snacks.The resident and my atteding doctors paied me visit later in the evening. The atteding prepared me by placing "Laminaria" on my cervix. I felt sored and bit painful all night once it was placed. That's normal, they said. The resident scared me by putting a soft needle on my hand for tomorrow!! It was awful because I could feel the needle went ups and downs under my thin skin.<br />That were all for the first day. I wasn't supposed to eat anything or drink anything after midnight and I think, that was the biggest torture in the whole experience. On 14th, they had arranged to have 65-67 operations and I was the last 2 or 3. It means that I had to wait until noon to get the surgery. I was starved for 12 hours before the surgery. When it was finally my turn, the nurse wheeled me down to the room. My husband started getting panic, so instead of saying something comfort to me, he said; "good-bye hon" before I was wheeled in.<br />In that metallic, cold surgery room, I realized having deep myopia wasn't totally a bad thing. When I couldn't see clear in the room, I wasn't so nervous. They hooked up those medical equips on me. Just under a few second, Boom, I was under anesthesia.<br />When I finally came to, it was already 4:00 pm in the afternoon. I thought, the procedure took only 30 minutes, plus the time in the recovery room. Perhaps it would have taken only 2 hours or so.<br />So, the time I got back my hearing in the recovery room, listening to the nurses talking their plans after their shifts, I was surprised to hear it was 4 and wondered: "What! Already 4? What took it so long? What happened to me?"<br />Around 4:30 or so, I opened up and wanted to drink water so much. There went my next 12 hours throwing-up. I was suffered in the serious side-effect of the anesthesia. I had thrown up everything I tried to swallow. Juice, pudding, water, porridge.<br />The good thing about everything was, I didn't feel much pain afterward. It wasn't like a bad period or feeling the cut wound or anything. Just mild bloated.<br /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433219307384082130" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/S2asLHNsDtI/AAAAAAAAAz4/LX1sbjwEvZk/s320/DSC02319.JPG" border="0" /><br />The hardest thing was to hold on to that balloon inside me. Because there was a bag, collecting blood attached to it. So, the bag was dangling outside. I had to be very careful when I moved to avoid yanking the balloon out. The doc said, it was crucial that the balloon stayed in for 3 days to prevent the scarring. Otherwise, I might get a second surgery.<br />I checked out the hospital on 15th and went back to my parents'. The most difficult 3 days started. I was either lying on the bed or sofa, carrying the bag carefully, thinking about 3 days.<br />All I needed to watch out was only 3 days. First day passed, second day passed, BOOM~~~<br />On the 3rd day, when the follow-up visit was just 12 hours away. The thing came off!!<br />I was screaming in the bathroom! Thinking all my hard work, every step I had patiently followed and thing just slipped out.<br />It wasn't balloon-like at all. It was more like a marble. I thought the balloon shrank or something. I called the nurse for help and she got me the on-duty doc. She told me not to worry about it and I should wrap it up and bring it to my attending doc the next morning.<br />Well... that was unnecessary!! My attending just said:" It always slips out easily!" At least, I tried to hold it in for 2 days and half. That was enough.<br />I recovered well so far after 2 times follow-ups. When I returned for the 1st follow-ups. The doctor told me the reason why I was under the surgery longer.<br />My septum wasn't only longer, which extended to the upper end of my vagina But the doc already knew that when I received the 3-D ultrasound. When he excercised the operation, he found out it was thicker than the cases he had before.<br />So, when he thought he could had done it within 30 minutes, instead, he spent 1 and half hours to remove it.<br />I am thankful for his carefulness!! I didn't have the terrible scarring in me, so when I returned for the 2nd follow-up. I didn't have to bleed again, nothing was necessary to be removed.<br />The 1st diffculty conquered~~~~~~~~hurray~~~~<br />There are still problems to solve from my Hydrosalpinx. IVF to come~~<br />I think, everything will be all right! Seeing many who share the same situations out there, knowing that already many of you have succeeded in MOMMY-HOOD.<br />I am sure, I will soon be a mom TOO~~~Go Girls.~~~~Nothing is impossible!!!<br />P.S The only benefit I get is, now I don't feel thing get inbetween when I put in the tampon.</span>Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-2060632478897930112010-02-01T15:29:00.007+08:002010-02-23T20:42:12.009+08:00It all started last summer<span style="font-size:130%;">After a year and half without any sign of pregnancy and with my sister-in-law's mommy-to-be condition pushed behind my back, I'd finally decided to face my worst nightmare. The problem I found back in 2004 and thus; eversince last summer, I've been going in and out of hospital fightint for my chances for being a MOM.<br /><br />The chronicle order of different checkups--<br /><br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">2009. 6. 30</span><br /><br />Although I was pretty aware of the problem I had, I still thought it would be better to seek a second opinion somewhere else besides National Taiwan University Hospital. Afterall, my first diagnose was several years ago. They didn't care that much to confirm which anomaly I was back then. They said, I wasn't married and the anomaly I had couldn't promise the infertility. Second, I thought it was too troublesome to go to Taipei for the checkup anyway. Commuting back and forth costs a great deal of time. I didn't want that either! Therefore, I sought a well-known doctor in Taoyuan and paid him a visit.<br /><br />I went through every checkup I had again back in Taipei. Blood test, Trans-vaginal ultrasound. I had to tell the physician that I already knew my anomaly. She held a doubt, but rechecked again to confirm the 2 cavaties. At this time, I still didn't know why it was so hard for them to find out that I had 2 cavaties in my uterus.<br /><br />Doctor Chiang confirmed my anomaly, but suggested that I went back to National Taiwan University Hospital (NTUH) for a surgery called, Metroplasty. He gave me a name and claimed the one to be his schoolmate back in med school. He performed this sort of cases.<br /><br />So, there I was. Destined to be in NTUH for my journey of mommyhood~~~<br /><br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">2009. 7. 3</span> <span style="color:#ff6600;">Trans-vaginal ultrasound</span><br /></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433200891816843010" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/S2abbL4UFwI/AAAAAAAAAzo/SqfUo649Vz4/s320/P1040476.JPG" border="0" /><br /><br />Doctor Yang in NTUH reviewed the history of my med record and arranged the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) on July 6th, 2009.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">2009. 7. 6</span> </span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#ff6600;">HSG<br /></span><br />This test was unlike the ultrasound which gives only a slightly sore! The horrible HSG is more like a small invasive surgery which needs the patient to lie on an examining plateform where a physician will open your vagina with a speculum and insert a long long plastic tube inside you. Then it comes the scary part; in order to secure the tube, the physician has to pin two clips on two side of your birth tunnel. The worst step is the contrast dye, it needs to be injected, so the dye can go through your fallopian tubes and they will take pictures asking you to lie on your sides. If you were with problems, then you might feel pain or soreness inside you. Some who might be allergic to contrast dye would end up vomiting or feel dizzy.<br /><br />It was by far the most painful exam I have ever had. I didn't have allergic reaction over the dye, but I felt so much pain on my ovaries areas. It turned out that I was in much more trouble than I expected.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">2009. 7 .17</span> <span style="color:#ff6600;">3-D Sonagraphy</span><br /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433201932027760850" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/S2acXu97ENI/AAAAAAAAAzw/908xtpax8gg/s320/P1040594.JPG" border="0" /><br />When I was transfered back to NTUH. I knew I needed to receive a surgery to get rid of Mullerian anomaly. However, to make sure what kind I was; I was told to get a few tests for assurance. That's why I got the HSG! On July 17th, I was arranged to receive a 3-D sonagraphy to confirm my anomaly. They needed to triple checks from different dimensions before the surgery. Of course, it's better being careful than being regreful. I was trying my best to stay patient the whole time. Dr. Yang told me the result from my HSG test, it all came up clear that the failure of being conceived may not have been with my anomaly but my fallopian tubes.<br />Bilateral blockage, the Hydrosalpinx.<br /><br />When I walked out of the consulting room, I couldn't help sheding tears calling my hubby and told him the sad news.<br /><br />I wasn't submerged in sadness for long! One was, I couldn't resist anticipating the possible way out of the marriage bondage. Thinking it might have been my ticket back on the train to single land. ( Only God knows how terrible it is to be a man-wife in Taiwan) Then, I picture my bright future pursuing my PHD but might end up living my rest entirely alone by myself. Nuh~~<br />Well... I was soon recovered to normal me. Of course, I was getting Metroplasty for sure because who knew if my present marriage doesn't work I won't be having my second Mr. Right?<br /><br />Anyway, on July 17th. I was told to visit again when my cycle began. The operation needed to be perform right after the period.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">2009. 8. 10</span><br /><br />Visited Dr. Y for the acurate date.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">2009. 8. 13-15 Hysteroscopic Metroplasty</span><br /><br />The surgery was set on Aug. 14th. I needed to check in a day earlier for some preparations.<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I'll post aother for the details.</span><br /><span style="color:#000000;">I was in the hospital for 2 days and half. The surgery took much longer than expected. I was in there for an hour and half. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">2009. 8. 17</span><br /><br />First re-checkup. The scar was healing up all right! Doctor told me that why I was in the operation longer than expected.<br />The septum that grew in the middle of my uterus was not only longer than the cases he had before but also much thicker. That's the reason why some other physicians failed to discover I had 2 cavaties in my uterus. When they inserted the camera, the stick usually just went into one part and mistaken the half part of it to be the whole.<br />I wondered how well they were trained to fail noticing the size of my uterus. When they thought the half of me to be the whole, hadn't it occured to them that the size they saw on the monitor was smaller than the sizes they usually spotted?<br />Weired~~~<br />Anyhow, to be more specific, the septum Dr. Yang removed from me was like a solid concrete wall that made two compartment inside my uterus. He suggested that I visited 2 more time in case of serious scar tissue adhesion. If the wound healed up too bad, the scar part will affect the function of carrying a baby too.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ff9900;">2009. 8 .17</span><br /><br />The following checkup to cut open the ugly scar tissue<br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">2009. 8.24</span><br /><br />Dr. told me my wound was healing up beautifully. I was happy to hear that, but I wasn't all too surprised by it. I had car accident before and there are a few scars on my face and legs. The left scars were all hard to notice.<br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">2009. 8. 31</span><br /><br />Final Checkup~~~ I was told to visit one last time after the coming period.<br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff6600;">2009. 9. 14</span><br /><br />Case closed !! I am 100 % normal now. Also, the entire summer vacation was gone.</span>Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-64598071819353132332009-07-16T20:51:00.006+08:002010-02-23T20:42:39.163+08:00My New Lover<div align="center"><span style="font-size:180%;">Pineapple</span></div><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/Sl8jedhGEgI/AAAAAAAAAzc/MJ4bGAU411U/s1600-h/P1040545.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5359041087820665346" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/Sl8jedhGEgI/AAAAAAAAAzc/MJ4bGAU411U/s320/P1040545.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I never knew keeping a dog would bring me so much happiness. Being a dog-lover, I had always wanted one, but never had chance to. About 3 months ago, my hubby and I suddenly had this idea wanting to adopt a dog to fill in the void.<br /><br /><br /><br />Part was because I had to work away from home and we thought keeping one could keep Angus company. One other reason was because we really love dogs, whenever we saw someone walking his/her dog on the street, we two would approach near like some kinky psychoes and tried to play with their dogs without even looking at the owners. I know how odd it sounds, how eccentric our behavior was, but we couldn't help doing it. We love dogs so much~~~<br /><br />What triggered us to take our action was one late night, we were parking our car near a park. There was one gold retriever taking its leak in it. Angus told me to take a look. (We always signals each other when we see a cute dog.) When he told me to do so, I was shocked a bit because I saw no humans in the park, then I saw the dog and found out the dog was all alone by itself.<br /><p>That old dog was taking its time sniffing around and marking it territory. At first, we just wanted to get close to it to pat it a bit. Angus, somehow, had this horrible thinking suggesting that the dog might have been deserted by its owner and said how nice it would be if we could just bring it home and earned ourselves a free dog. </p><p>Then, under the illusive spell, we started to tempt it with some snack we just bought. </p><p>This gold retriever was a smart one, not only didn't it let us pat it, but it also kept running away when we fished it with snack. It ran, we chased~~~~ It hid, we sought~~~~ Block to block, we followed. </p><p>Although, I would have loved it so much if we could have just taken it home, I still knew how crazy it was to take home an old dog. Besides, it's so big that we couldn't possibly felt comfortable with it in our little apartment. </p><p>We had been chasing that dog for about 30 minutes, at last, he gave in to my husband's great force and let him touch it, it refused to take a bite on what we offered though. </p><p>While my silly husband were reaching his full-of-bad-idea hand toward the dog, he felt the name tag on dog's collar.</p><p>I was so released when I heared there was a tag on the dog, Angus called but no one answered. We tried to read the address on the tag and realized the dog lived around the neightborhood.</p><p>It turned out that it was let out to take a leak only and ran into 2 crazy people who tried to take it away from its sweet home.~~~~</p><p>That was when we decided to have one on our own. A puppy, of course!!</p><p>We did some research to see what breed suit us better.</p><p>I love large-size dogs; such as, Gold retrievers, labs, huskeys....etc. While Angus prefers some breeds like; bull dogs, dachshund and so on.</p><p>We both love Pembroke Welsh Corgi because of its large ears, round face and short legs. It is so cute when it is a puppy and cuter when it grows up.</p><p>So, we looked around to see who wanted to give away their puppies for adoption. After making a few phone calls, we learned that those who posted on the internet for puppy adoption charged adopters for money because they were afraid puppies would fall into bad hands. (There have been news about animal abuse.) </p><p>Later, we bought Pineapple. It was 39-day-old when we brought it home. I was so excited to have it with us, nervous at the same time since I had no experience at all. </p><p>I bought a book about this particular breed, tried to tolerate the foul smell when I had to clean its poo at first (Now, I get used to it all right) ~~</p><p>Now it has been living with us for nearly 3 months, we still receive calls from the seller. (He is a good breeder, he was so worried that it might not survive in our hands) </p><p>Today, I took it to the vet for its third vaccine. It is perfectly healthy and very energetic.</p><p>It is like us too. We were so surprised when we found out that pets are like their owners.</p><p>It is a greedy eater, never stop asking for food and gets angry when its appetite isn't satisfied. Hehehe.....too many funny things to tell.</p><p>I love my Pineapple.</p><p>I am happy that it becomes one member of the family now. In the future, when Angus and I have our baby, it will still be the big brother in the rank, I suppose.~~Ha~~~</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><br /></p>Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-31432410446737238422009-04-09T00:36:00.008+08:002009-04-16T21:16:03.641+08:00Hopelessly Positive / Habitually NegativeHow we are brought up by our families with the primary domestic education, plus schooling and social experiences help determine our temperaments and personalities. Some part of us may change over time through different age phases out of the clashes with inspiring new ideas and conceptions, however, some may never change because those characteristics are rooted in our genes. I believe this theory saying that some are born to be more optimistic than others.<br /><br /><br />Under the imprinted influence from my mom, my brother and I are constanly in low moods. Because our rooted causes are the same, our melancholy developes pretty much in the same ways, too. Basically, my brother is walking on my past path. When he vented, he told me so and so and asked if I could understood him. I felt sorry and powerless in giving him more comfort because I have never been well out of her negativity and complaints. Her negativity is like a big magnet keeping us closely attached. The gravity is so great that nomatter how hard we attempt to pull away, it will drag us back to the very beginning and cause our endeavors in vain.<br /><br />I know I can't give up trying. The gene will be carried down to next generation, if I don't make any changes. Things work better for me because I seek helps from self-helped book once in a while to pull myself out of negativity. I think, the thinking pattern is changable. Hard, though!! But definitely changable!<br /><br />One theory I learned from those books says that: "Language is powerful, if one hopes for something good to happen, positive language will lead one to it." I believe what it says!!<br /><br />I tried a few times and they all worked out well. Positive language has power to bring one's mind in activating one's action. It really can make something nice you wish for comes true.<br /><br />Even though, I keep the faith in believing the possibility of changing thinking patterns and knowing what positive language might lead my life to be. I, sometimes, still hold doubts on those who are being overly positive in every aspect of their lives. I would, at that moment, ask myself: "Am I too negative and judgmental or are they thinking too highly of themselves?"<br /><br />That's really confused and contracditory!! I long to change into someone brighter, but when I hear one talks too well of him/herself. I would secretly wonder: <span style="color:#000000;"><strong>" You!! / Are you sure?"</strong><br /></span><br />Take my hubby's family for example. They were born to be optimistic (because my mom-in-law is very good at sweet talks) and very content to the surroundings and encounters they have and meet. They are very grateful to the family they were born in. The spouses they own, the kids they're raising!!<br /><br />I am sure, I was attracted to this trait of my hubby. I vaguely remember how I was amazed to his brightness.<br /><br />Whenever he mentions his family; he would say, "<strong>My mom's cooking is incomparable. My bro-in-law is smart and tentative. My elder sister is good at hosting.....blah blah blah</strong>." (Later, I found out that there are always certain degrees of incongruity.)<br /><br />I always feel a bit uncomfortable about it !! His sises, my in-laws are the same as well. Everytime we meets, I will have to listen to their highly compliment about their husbands or kids.<br />"<strong>Don't you think my hubby is wonderful? Everyone says he is smart, a really good husband and a father. I am really lucky to have him. Isn't he handsome or what!</strong>"<br /><br />What wrong with me? I know I suppose to appreciate the good aura they create, to fill me good words in the ears. Is it healthy to be like this? Isn't it a bit annoying to hear nothing but good words, nice words and praises? Or am I too deeply abused by foul language?<br /><br /><br />I guess that was how I was fooled into the love trap my hubby set. Because he says nice things about me too! He likes to say how attractive I am. ( I feel so bloated and ugly of myself though) How sexy I am. ( That's something I never thought me to be) He likes my voice, too!! ( only this is something that I later found out some men were attracted to my voice. Weird!! I do think my voice has some power to attract audience in listening to me.)<br /><br />Well....I had never been treated like that before I met my hubby. No one ever told me how well I did. They only told me what I should have done more! My mom only said how wrong I was for not doing this and that. So, before, if I heard someone praised me for what I achieved or how I was, I told myself they were just being polite in saying so. I didn't take compliments seriously ori would get suspicious of their intention in saying so.<br /><br />Oh! ~~It is so painstaking.<br />Keep the faith!!Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-23901174318246936582009-03-22T01:46:00.002+08:002009-03-22T01:57:38.925+08:00Who Cares?Birds are chirping.<br />I am talking.<br />Who's listening?Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-66302011871074212372009-02-28T00:30:00.008+08:002009-03-03T23:02:04.886+08:00I'm getting older for babies, but I still in the middle of self searching.Can't ease my throbbing nerves after watching my favorite program today. It is one which discusses about all sorts of current issues relates to life matters. Today, they were talking about "Having babies.<br /><br />I am recently brooding over this question too and their discussion has lighten a clearer picture out of my mind.<br /><br />Anyhow, the major reason that induced the whole show today was because one of the guests is healthily pregnant with twins at her age of 45. She is a best-seller writer in Taiwan and hosts for several TV programs. Her pregnancy was quite a shocking news to those of her readers and audiences because for a really long time, those who know her would have thought she was a not-having-babies-ever kind of woman. However, her planned pregnancy makes everyone jaw-dropped and wonder WHY? WHY? What changed her mind?<br /><br />Along with her, there were 2 other female guests on the show, one senior feministic author, the other a resident doctor in Psychology. These 3 women are highly-educated, mature, successful, sensible, at high social status and perfectly understand what they want in lives and try hard on getting them. They represent the great female power from different eras. Even though, they have been successfully devoting their female powers to prove women a marvelous gender, they still can't get away from the question over their primitive physical function, "When to have a baby to prove that you are a real woman?"<br /><br />That's it !! The scariest question ever! The most dreadful question to those who can't get enough time for their career and their freedom. This question will follow them tightly once they walked down the aisle. No one will ever let go off this question until she gets pregnant to prove others that her physical function is fine and perfect as it was designed for.<br /><br />Thus, their discussion and peculiar, singular ideas toward "Women and their procreation!" and " Is life reproduction a fulfillment for women" have comforted my worries! As women, they were once at the cross roads like I am now. However, they have all come a long way here to what they are now and they are satisfied with their decisions and choices. Of course, one of them is pregnant now at high age for pregnancy, and the doctor still gets some chances before the biological clock stops. Only the senior one who is happy with her life now, somehow, recalled her colorful youth, still wondering; would she have ever grasped the opportunity if, then, she had had the chance with a right man besides her?<br /><br />The show had come to conclusions that--1, to get pregnant at older age isn't impossible, but the pre-preparation is important. 2, women's versatility shouldn't be neglected, one's life still lies in one's hand. 3, having a baby or not is a very important question in women's lives, how to keep a good balance between career, freedom, and having a baby will always be a catch-22. Because our bodies are attached with biological clocks.<br /><br />Oh! so what changed that writer's mind to make her want to take the risk at such a high age?<br />She said; she had always been a planner for her career and life decision. She wasn't so fond of kids before because of her family issues and she thought that life was too short and unpredictable. Her husband was the same. Both of them were the risk takers and enjoyed the lives as much as they could. After experiencing so much; such as the extreme excursions to north and south poles. She found nothing in her life could have been more completed. That was how she was hit with a lightening thought and thereafter stepped on her journey to the motherhood.<br /><br />My case is pretty much the same! I haven't gotten enough of my freedom and free will over my life. I had a really hard childhood and embarrasing teenage period, rough love life in college, a lonely single for 8 years and never felt rich enough with extra cash. But now, I finally feel wonderful and happy in life. I have a respectable job, not well-paid enough but room for improvement. I am satisfied with my marriage life, feel secure and stable, enjoying the life for two and happily being a workday single when I have to live 100 miles aways from my hubby 3 days a week. How delightful it is!!<br />But time is chasing after me and people are being pushy and over-concern over my marriage life.<br /><br />I can't explain my state of mind because they won't understand much of why a married woman needs to think much on having babies or not? That is true! I can't say out loud that I need more personal space for my free will and I don't want to lose my freedom just now. Why can't I be a married woman for a few years before I am more certain of it?<br />So, why do I do to face other's concern? I pretend, I blend into the conversation. I try to feel interested in the topics. I don't hate kids, I just need more time to reach a level where I feel a safer environment for raising kids.<br />Perhaps I am wrong, there isn't a perfect condition for baby raising. I can't refuse to listen to my body ticking away my youth. I do know all the consequences and circumstances. I just hate to be pushed the question around.<br /><br />I just celebrated my first anniversary. But one year has made people think I am barren already!<br />People are giving suggestions on what to eat, what doctor to go to or how to do the research and get prepared. No one ever asked me, "Are you ready?" " Is your hubby ready?"<br /><br />I mean, even I am with some physcial conditions, I don't think it isn't something that let there be light and there will be. I don't want to be rush about this.<br /><br />So, let me keep my fingers crossed, hope everything will happen the way I want. I am sane enough now to face family and friend's concern nicely because I don't know when I will lose sanity and throw everyone a big temper.<br /><br />God blesses!!Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-63325812357109611162009-01-07T01:52:00.004+08:002009-01-07T23:25:28.195+08:00Hate it ~When you happen to be someone opinionated, it's likely that you attract another to be the same. That's how attraction works sometimes! One's stubborn has another to top it even more! If any discrepancy show up, thing will turn ugly because no one yields!<br />Each side persists in its own logic and conception and elaborates them though its aspect.<br />No relation can be harmonious like this~Someone has to compromise, someone has to give in~~<br />So.....if you take a step back, you have to put up with the resentment for being gagged, the inward struggle has no way out!<br />Therefore, you monologize every step back to fight for your status in your heart, but you are HUSHED!<br />Hate it~~Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-78554880855607858462009-01-01T01:52:00.002+08:002009-01-01T01:56:27.812+08:00Happy 2009~~<div align="center"><span style="font-size:180%;">HAPPY NEW YEAR</span></div><div align="center"><strong><span style="font-size:180%;">2009</span></strong></div><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/SVuxq8HeMbI/AAAAAAAAAyI/SVNVZOcFMtc/s1600-h/P10.2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5286013938899497394" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 360px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 284px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/SVuxq8HeMbI/AAAAAAAAAyI/SVNVZOcFMtc/s320/P10.2.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/SVuxlAGP1TI/AAAAAAAAAyA/wEBdEZoTd0A/s1600-h/P10.1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5286013836888888626" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 356px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 266px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/SVuxlAGP1TI/AAAAAAAAAyA/wEBdEZoTd0A/s320/P10.1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div></div></div>Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-35554264941564537182008-12-31T18:42:00.002+08:002008-12-31T20:26:11.426+08:00Seraphine<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/SVtM5hASSPI/AAAAAAAAAx4/DjldmtgML_s/s1600-h/Sera1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285903138645231858" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 270px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 352px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_4jfI5ztYHv8/SVtM5hASSPI/AAAAAAAAAx4/DjldmtgML_s/s320/Sera1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Fate is tricky with surprises waiting for us at the most unexpected turns. Sometime, the best art pieces were borned in the roughest time of one's life. Solitary celibacy is never satisfying, though it might inspire one's mind the most! We all more or less need to feel LOVE in us somewhere, somehow, at sometimes.<br /><br />This is how I felt after seeing this movie! It reminded me of my own lonliness in the past years.<br />For some years in my twenties, I was always so lonely and empty in heart! I was busy with my work, my study, my social life. But, that never filled the bottomless depth in my heart, the unfathomable abyss. However, that was also the most productive time of my life for poems.<br />I wrote them when I was so lonely and desperate, the words struck me out of nowhere when I was at sleeps, in dreams, and when talking to others. Weird~~~no insipiration now that my heart is no longer suspended.<br /><br />Seraphine was named the naive style painter in France, she claimed to be summoned by an angel's voice to paint!! The colors of her paintings stun us with amazement. I think, those are the colors of passion and love!! The eager longing for attention and care~~~<br />(For the angel part, I hold my doubt)<br /><br />Her paintins make me think of the Fireworks!! I can't tell much of the patterns or items she drew, whether they are the feathers, eyes, apples, peaches, oranges???? dunno....<br /><br />Items in her paintings are repetitive, the colors are vivid and strong! I am not professional in art, but they show strong affection and when you look at them, you will be iced by the frozen enternity~~~time ceases itself around them. I like them!<br /><br />I don't think that people need to be trained to know how to appreciate the art works. All we have to do is to use our eyes and hearts to feel~~~<br /><br />I am a lazy person who love to rent DVDs and enjoy them at home. For this one piece, I was at the theater with other audience. It was because I was invited to a movie seminar to give a short speech. The owner of it is an art movie activist who is dedicate in promoting art movies to college students and that is why he often invites teachers from different departments to guide the audience for a better understaind to the movies, since hollywood commercial films are still the main stream. He thought more should have a chance to see something else.<br /><br />I was honored to be there and didn't think I would have the opportunity to share my afterthought of a movie with a bunch of movie-lovers.<br /><br />It felt great and hope I will be there soon again.Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-74435686520724175602008-11-04T19:45:00.007+08:002008-11-04T23:07:37.941+08:00Taiwan is a Country. China has no part in it.I'd like to give a shout out to those who don't know much about Taiwan as well as to those who have already known Taiwan for long. Please understand the FACT that Taiwan has been an independent country for many decades. We have our own elected presidents, but for the present one whom many of us feel very much ashamed of, for he has been conducting deeds which jeopardize the democracy our predecessor and former democrat had consumed thier lives building. The dignity of Taiwan has been degrading because he is pro-Beijing.<br /><br />People in Taiwan are on the verge of losing the freedom of speech and the freedom of assembly. We are not allowed to protest and express our thinking in action. We are not allowed to display our national flags in public because for some unknown reasons, it suddenly becomes too sensitive to put them up or to hold them in hands since the chairman of ARATS (a rat, indeed! ) from China is now visiting Taiwan. The police force that has been arranged to protect the visitors from China and the regulations the govenment set to confine the movement of Taiwan people have made Taiwan, once again, a place in military curfew.<br /><br />Today, a music shop was broadcasting one song that had the word "Taiwan" in the lyrics, then soon after, the shop was ordered by the police to stop broadcasting.<br />What kind of country are we living in? If we can't even tell others who we are?<br /><br />How ironic is it that the national flag of Taiwan was the party flag of KMT party, the ruling party now. Before we were released from the military curfew, for many years, KMT party had been brainwashing people in Taiwan on how evil and cunning China was. They taught children to call China, "Gong-Fei", the bandit. They gave people a false image of being able to fight against China and conquered them one day.<br /><br />This circumstance was altered until our first elected president, Lee Deng-hui had put an end to the military curfew and set an fence between China and Taiwan claiming our relation to be Country-to-Country relationship.<br /><br />Later, when DPP (Democratic Progressive Party) arose and we had our second elected president, Chen Shui-bian. He and his officials had worked hard on rebuilding the sovereignty of Taiwan. They strongly asserted that Taiwan is a country. <br /><br />It is so true. We are! We are proud to be one and we refuse to be part of China because we never are.<br /><br />It is China's wishful thinking that Taiwan is one of their provinces. They wish!!! Fat Chance~~~<br /><br />What is more mortifying, irritating and infuriating is that the president who won 7 miliions votes to get his throne told his ruling people, we, that it is fine for that chairman from China not calling him "President."<br /><br />Who has he become? If he weren't the president? And what have we become?<br />Shame on him !!!<br /><br />I am so glad I wasn't blind to vote for him. I feel sorry for those 7-million voters who believed his lies and thought he would bring us to proseprity in finance and solve the unemplyment problem, but I also resent those blind people for their choice has dragged us down to this condition. What is off their anticiaption is that thing turned out that all he ever plotted and wanted was to reunite with China. That is his really, truly conspiracy.<br /><br />Today, the Chairman from ARATS and our representative signed a contract which was secretly consented by the two without people knowing any details of it.<br /><br />What is going on? Those Gong-fei will be here for a few more days. I hope no blood will be seen during the protest.<br /><br />Taiwan people just want the voice to be heard~~~~~Taiwan is a country.Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-59313216534172910522008-10-16T20:53:00.003+08:002008-10-16T22:31:18.224+08:00It Becomes Harder to Survive in the SystemI had already known the changes the school were making before coming back to school. What I didn't realize was its persistence to put it through.<br /><br />A TA stopped by my classroom today telling me that she was the TA of my class and was responsible for helping my students to conquer their deterrence in study. I was a bit surprised to know this "after-class consultation". Apparently, it is the new policy !! Later on, I was overtaken by my doubts over the real benefits it might have brought to the students.<br /><br />My first doubt was to the ability the TA had. She told me she needed to help students from 2 different course. Mine is "The introduction to Literature" another was "the Western Culture History." She is a graduate program student. I am sure, she is busy enough for her own study and she needs to help other student to solve theirs. HOW????<br />Will she has that much time to prepare for the studies that aren't her specialties?<br /><br />Second,Universities are supposed to be the places where students learn how to be independent. It is their prime time to enjoy the youth, try out the new things and learn how to solve the problems on their own. And.......the after-class consultation? What the hell????<br /><br />They are not the primary school students who need extra helps after school for their homeworks. They are grwon-ups that need to and should be seeking the answers themselves in the libraries or ask me, their teacher, for what they don't understand or can't think through.<br /><br />Isn't self-study importnat for college students? Supplementary study may be school's good intention to reduce the workload of the teacher's, but at the same time, isn't it kind of insulting the teachers on the face implying that they might ignore their students needs? Implying that they aren't working hard enough to teach their students.<br /><br />Students in Taiwan are unbelievable passive when it comes to Studying, and now, the university from mine are making new policies to curb the learning abilities of students'.<br />Students can never develop their interests in studying and be spontaneous in it as well if they were forced to take the supplement which, at some points, questions their abilities.<br /><br />It.......secretly...... gives out the hint that <em>"You all should be good students, but I don't think you can make it on your own because you are weak not strong. If you couldn't be good students, it would bring the shames to your school." </em><br /><br />Alas~~~~~mmmmmmm..............................(speechless)<br /><br />Oh...BTW.......the TA needs to keep a record on how many students of mine going to her for helps. And......I have these paper slips that I need to give out to those who have the lower performance in my class. ............................................................(Silent)Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-3287406855368985762008-10-11T14:22:00.006+08:002008-10-16T16:20:48.679+08:00Unless U r Strong in Mind, Don't get marriedOne day, one day soon, I'll study what I want, and then I want to write a book about Taiwanese women. How they've changed over times, how their self-consciousness has been arosed and reformed and how they've also kept the traditional durability temperament that has been passed on from generation to genration in Taiwan history.<br /><br />Whenever the married women get together, their main concerns will be revolved around their families. At certain points; I would say, it is a bit upsetting~~~<br />They don't talk about what they are gonna do with their dreams, their jobs or maybe how they want to chance their present lives to better ones. They don't !!!!! Very disappointing~~~<br />Or perhaps, programs or activities they are interested in taking their kids to participate.<br />No...they don't.<br /><br />If children are not what they mention, it will be the mother-in-law they complain. No one seems to be able to solve the problem. It is like some expert from TV has put it; When it is about the issue relates to families, no resolution is good enough or can perfectly apply.<br /><br />I can't agree more with what the expert says. She is totally right~ Taiwanese women carrry great responsiblities on their backs, trying to play every role well. A good daughter, a good gf, a good wife, a good mom. But they seldom reveal how they want to work further to the dreams they desire. Why???? Why not?<br /><br />A friend of mine, for who I have thought to be able to read my mind, told me the other day, how it was impossible for me to be a mom and pursuit my study at the same time. She told me that was how things were. No woman could be what she wanted when she became a mom.<br />I was quite shocked to hear this~~~Why can't I have the kids and have my study at my both hands?????<br /><br />I hate to hear this and I refuse to let it happen.<br />I believe only by progessing further and higher, doing what interest me can have my spiritual self satisfied without confusion and void. Because, if I am to live up to 80 years old, then I won't be bored from life so soon after I finish my duties to my elders, hubby and children. Those who have gotten married early and have babies at early ages will be grandparents earlier, and then, what else............being grand grand-parents and grand grand grand parents???<br /><br />Love thyself, woman~~~I will try my best to do it.Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-59414971937114634372008-09-27T20:12:00.004+08:002008-10-11T14:20:50.559+08:00Getting Used to the Life with 2 DwellingsTaking buses becomes a routine now, this boring and repeating activity takes me 1.5 hours every 2 days sitting dully on the seat doing nothing. Well...nothing productive can be done anyway. I usually take the bus in the evening and no light is allowed when the bus is on the highway, so even if I wanted to read something on the bus, it didn't seem ideal.....<br /><br />I have 9 teaching hours a week this semester. 3 hrs on Mondays, 4 on Thursdays and 2 on Fridays. At first, I was offered the courses on Monday and Thursday. So.....I thought I could fill in Tuesday and Wednesday by taking other part time jobs. Working from Monday to Thursday and go home on Thursday evening to spend a long weekend with my hubby, being a weekday single and a weekend wife.<br /><br />But, I was offered another course for Fridays and it changed my plans.<br />Now, I go home on Monday afternoon after I finish 3 hours teaching in the morning and come back to Taichung on Wednesday evening for Thursday and Friday class and then go home again on Friday evening until Sunday evening and so the circulation goes on~~~~~~<br /><br />Tiring~~Tiring drudgery~~Traveling back and forth between Taoyuan and Taichung. Spending ineffective hours on the bus, spacing out of the window or watching the lame films the bus provides. But.........it's just.......too difficult to solve this catch 22.<br /><br />Can't have the cake and eat it, too~~~~I suppose.....<br />I thought about fill in the gap between hours in school and thought that I could have made a decent living out of it. It would be a piece of cake for me to arrange a light schedule for a decent amount of money, but then I would have to work from Monday to Friday in Taichung living a separate life with my hubby. He has to work from Mon. to Sat. especially Saturdays, he works from 9 in the morning to 9 in the evening, he only takes Sundays off and I have to be in Taichung on Sunday evenings, which implies that if I worked from Monday to Friday in Taichung, my time alone with my hubby would be less than a day~~~What can I do, right?<br /><br />We are, afterall, the newly-wed......We need to see each other more often to bond the marriage and in order to acheive it, someone needs to sacrifice. I thought things should be simplified and so, I took the role to be a commuter.<br /><br />Keeping 2 dwellings is not totally bad~~~ There are some merits to be a part-time single away from marriage; such as, having my social life back. All friends that I am close to are in Taichung.<br />Although, I only stay in Taichung 3 nights a week, many dates can still be arranged~~that's not a problem. Meeting old friends, arranging my favorite day field trips to department stores. Taichung has the best department stores and restaurants~~~~Hehehehehe....<br />Slow life pace is the rhythm in Taichung~~~~fair weather, fair tea stalls, coffee shops, well-dressed people walking on the streets. ~~~Nice~~~<br /><br />At the first week alone in Taichung, I couldn't sleep. I haven't slept alone for quite a while~~I don't miss much of my single nights alone, though I do miss the freedom I had~~~~but definitely not the nights I spent with only ME~~~ At least I thought I didn't miss it~~~after the first week and it went into the second, I started getting used to the feeling of getting along with ME in the room. It felt great~~ I didn't miss my hubby, on the contrary, I was expecting the date I had with my friends the next day. Mmmmmm.........................interesting........<br /><br />Owning 2 dwellings and changing roles from a single woman to a married one from time to time perhaps will do good to someone like me who always whines about the present condition with dissatisfaction...... Only by rotating roles constantly can I be able to keep a balance that feeds my needs for changing.Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-54811632551536851082008-09-24T13:54:00.009+08:002008-09-27T20:12:13.021+08:00What happened to our young????The second week in the university has been good so far. I guess, it is because the students I have now, aren't as difficult as the clients I had outside school. For this, I am not saying that students in the university have bettter understanding in English than the adult students I had before and can lessen my working load. On the contrary, they aren't any better. In fact, they are poorer in English.<br />What I mean " difficult" is that those I had before asked more from the teacher and demanded to know more about the correct usages, which might have challenged my own ability if I weren't good enough!!<br />But, here in the university, students aren't eager to improve their English, they are content with what they are capable of and the scariest thing is that, they aren't good enough as they might have thought they were~~<br />The reason I suppose is, unlike those adult students who spent their own hard-working money to pay for the course they took; the college students are still under the financial supports from their parents. They take the support for granted and might overestimate their abilities.<br /><br />That's why I said: "they aren't as difficult!" It takes me a lot of time to prepare for the "Introduction to Literature" , but for the "Intermediate English Conversation," I am quite disappointed with their performances. As English-majors in their third year, they couldn't even use " passed the test", " go to an interview" or "get a haircut."<br /><br />What happened to our kids?<br />I should have felt happy for not needing to put more effort in them. They are easy as a pie. But I am not happy about this, I expect more from them~~What can I do, really?Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-59491292849776726162008-09-24T13:54:00.001+08:002008-09-24T13:54:18.790+08:00Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-82699800228941578172008-08-29T01:17:00.004+08:002008-09-03T00:28:35.619+08:00Big ChangeThere is an saying goes: "You'll never know what comes next !" I think, it is so true. One moment, I was planing on having a baby; the next moment, the plan was abruptly suspended!<br /><br /><br />It is all because I am moving back to where I was a year ago. But, this time, I am moving back alone without my husband.<br /><br /><br />Thing started when I received a voice mail from the English department. They had called to ask if I was still keen to take a position in school. (Of course, I was ~~)<br /><br /><br />In fact, back in June, I tried to apply for a part-time position in my alma mater. But both the English department and the English language center had told me they weren't short of teachers. More, they told me I was a bit too late since they started recruiting teachers some time earlier and had filled in all positions.<br /><br /><br />I wasn't so dissappointed with it because I am not an aggressive person when it comes to job-hunting. I am too lazy to send out resume and go around for interviews. Besides, most of the time, the jobs I sought by myself didn't came out with results. So, basically, I was always hunted by the jobs that needed me. That's why I've been making living by teaching English for so long. I don't complain much of what I work for living, even though I don't think I deserve to be like this either !!!<br /><br /><br />However, just like what I just said: You will never know what comes next. Since 2 weeks ago, I was so lucky that I had been offered by different people for different jobs. One wanted me to consider tutoring her kids. The other asked me to contact her friend in publishing house for a translating position. At the same time, I got more hours from the language center I worked, which had tired my throat out and had caused some damage to it.<br /><br /><br />I didn't give it a much thought when my school asked if I could help out in such a late notice. I said, " I am eager to be back in Taichung and I am highly interested in teaching some thing more professional." I even told them I was planing on getting a further degree and definitely, university provided a more resourceful environment for studying and the part-time teaching job would be a great plus on my resume. That's it~~~I am going back to Providence University to be an instructor.<br /><br />This opportunity has definitely push me forward to the goal I set for my life. I always wanted to work in universities. But then, my hubby and I will have to live apart. We have only been married for 7 months, and we're living apart soon. That doesn't sound too good for newly-weds, furthermore, we were even hoping to have a baby.<br /><br />I don't know how thing is going to turn out. I have an extensive experience in teaching, but to lieteature intruction, it will be my first. Just wait and see~~I guess.<br /><br />I've already consulted my classmates and friends in school about the regulations they have for part-time instructors. They've shared their thinking and opinions.<br /><br />Taking this part-time position is hardly going to cover my expense. The payment for part-timer is meanly scarce ~~~ I'll have to look for more jobs.<br /><br />God blesses me !!!! May I have a better future with enough money to live on~~~~~Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-83148902089958115062008-08-20T16:53:00.005+08:002008-08-20T23:41:20.383+08:00What happened to our kids?Nothing upset me more than teaching a bunch of dull heads. They sit there staring at you with their eyes filled with emptiness. They don't response to your questions? Even though, the questions are so simple. I always wonder...Is it that the questions being too simple which makes them idiotic to answer me or is it because they can't understand the explanation I put in class?<br /><br />Well.....I am not the only one who gets the feeling like this. Receptionists in our language center confirms my feeling over those youngster we have this year in school.<br /><br />Are our genes degenerating???? Because Taiwan is producing students who are dull, nerdy and empty-headed. They have no reaction over their schoolwork or daily life and of course they don't have the common senses that many adults take for granted. They are like the living dead. All they react to is the fashion trend. They know well of every brand that sells, every popular icon or idol, every hit in high-tech industry. But they don't seem to know what's going on in the world they live. Which I mean, the skills they need to require to be humans, such as: the proper interpersonal interation with others!!!!<br /><br />There were times, when my students tried to converse with me by an opening sentence like----<br />" Don't you think The Mummy 3 was a fantastic movie?" or "I used to live near a chiropractor."<br /><br />Well.....hello.......? Where were we? What had lead our conversation here? This sort of situation happened in the middle of class when I asked them if they had questions over the Eng. grammar I just mentioned. And there they were, popped out a sentence that was totally irrelevant~~~<br /><br />My assumption for this is: They might just want to show their fondness for my class to me by saying something to express that they like the ways I teach in class.<br />This is how I've conviced myself to believe. Or else, I don't know how to explain the circumstances I ran into?<br /><br />This morning, I had one little girl in my class. She was probably 9 or 10 years old.<br />When I asked students to think of all the adjectives they'd learned before. This little girl was the most active one in class who links one after another.<br /><br />From her, I realize, the skill that my other students lack is the "imagination", the ability to associate one thing with another. Normally, if one mentioned the word "fat", the word "thin" should appear in the other's head." That's the normal relation that one should have come up!<br /><br />But the students we have this year don't have this ability. They don't~~~ It takes them a long long time to squeeze a word.<br /><br />It is rather strange that from the education system we have here in Taiwan, they should have received at least 6-8 years English courses in school and still, they aren't able to spit an adjective.<br /><br />Isn't it infuriating?????<br /><br />To speak from the other way around, there are, in fact, students that are brilliant, smart and talented.<br /><br />They show their intelligence in early ages and surprise older people like me. They learn quick, think quick, reponse quick over everything. They never seem to absorb enough and they ask a lot of questions.<br /><br />Our youngsters are growing to extreme ends~~ That's terrifying!!<br />This worries us olders people because it becomes a tougher challenge to help your kids fit into the society we are heading toward in the future, doesn't it?Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26709562.post-54988186528384064602008-07-22T23:20:00.004+08:002008-08-11T19:50:53.266+08:00Contradictory Emotional Struggles of Being Taiwanese WomenLast Sunday, two cousins from my mom's side visited us in Yun-lin, where my parents-in-law live. (I am always close to my cousins from mom's side. )<br />They wanted to take the kids to have some fun at the beach! Actually, their main purpose was the clams on the beach. But, to dig up the wild clams takes patience to wait for the ebb.<br /><br />While we were waiting for the tide to ebb, the men were making Chinese tea and chatting casually. We, women, on the other hand, sat aside in the corner talking busily about our marriages.<br /><br />Eversince, I became a married woman, I was included into a differnt zone of social circle. Before, none of the married cousins had ever mentioned any sex-related subjects to me.<br /><br />Sex is an interesting topic among friends, but not among coworkers, a forbidden one in the family. However, the sex taboo exists only in certain families, not all though . In my hubby's, they enjoy teasing each other for their sex lives.<br /><br />Anway, they were showing their concerns on our plans for the babies and they were also telling me how I should care for my hubby's well-being. The responsibilities that a wife should take!<br />Buying deodorant socks for him to avoid the embarrasement in social events. Think carefully of your baby plan because once you get the kids you plan for, contraception will be your job to stick to.<br /><br />WHAT the h-e-l-l ???<br />I love my hubby and love to help decide what's best for him to wear. But, to take what he should wear as my responsibility? Isn't this too much? I would be happy to give him my suggestion, but to do or not is his call to make. Isn't it so?<br /><br />And~~~~~~Why am I the one to watch out for the accidental pregnancy? If we want to stop having more babies, why can't it be my hubby's responsiblity to get the vasectomy? (of course, it is way too early to think about it, since we are childless.)<br /><br />My cousin and cousin-in-law were sharing their experience on "abortion" with me, saying how dreadful it was to feel the pain and the after-effect it caused to their bodies. How they have felt the invisible black holes in them that suck out their enegergy from them. I was so shocked because I didn't know getting "A-s" was so common among married women. They are still sexual active after getting the # of kids they wanted, but being fertile becomes great worriment for them when they are in beds with their men.<br /><br />What they'd shared with me saying that " We, women were caretaker for the family even the protectors of our own." Where are men in this situation? Are they exist in the marriages????<br /><br />Liberal and liberative as Taiwanese women are, there are limitations they confine themselve to.<br />Men are half in the marriages, too. Right? Leave them half the responsibility of everything in the household, shall we? Let them not just, being pleased with whatever they're pleased with!!!<br />Be responsible, married men !!! Women bring home the bacon as much as you do, too.~~<br /><br />Many of us, Taiwanese Women, desire to be better by receiving higher education, work harder for tasteful, even desirable lives. The colorful single lives of 4 characters in Sex and the City; Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are perfect models to look up to.<br /><br /><br />How to live to the fullest at the present is the course Taiwanese women are interested in learning. Single or not, they're eager to attend various workshops, seminars, speeches and career-driven training ect. Such as: learning a second language.<br /><br /><br />Look around, you will see more females than males in Taiwan trying to make the better selves out of them.<br /><p>My cousin and cousin-in-law as well, are taking higher education to nourish themselves for the possible chances that may improve their lives. They care about their appearances, preventing the ugliness that will age their looks quicker. Paying great attentions on their families and kids, hoping their kids will, one day, be more outstanding than what they've worked hard to maintain.<br /></p><p>Even though females are devoting in forming new images for themselves; their behaviors change automatically after getting married. I don't know if those changes just jump up on them unconsciously or are them forced to transform by any external factors?</p><p>Or are we, women, the natural-born control freaks? We, are to be blamed for the consequences??</p><p>Why do we need to work so hard to be better women while men thought they were perect enough for the situations? </p><p>Keep on like this, playing a traditional Taiwanese woman will kill me one day~~~<br /></p>Hui-zhenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14737336912585318589noreply@blogger.com0