Mommy-to-be

An expecting mom in 23 weeks.

2011-05-15T13:42:00.002+08:00

It has been a real long way to come this far. I am all grateful for being able to succeed within 2-year time.

To those who still working hard on becoming mothers, I sincerely hope their wishes be granted sooner!! It's unspeakable hard to go through every step that requires! With supports of men or not, it's not something men can totally understand. Looking back to the beginning of my quest of conceiving, I realize no matter how difficult and painful it was, not even mattered how strangely methods people suggested, dreadfully tiring feeling vanished as soon as you found out you were pregnant.

"It's all worth it in the end!" like those before me had said.

I am an expecting mom in 23 weeks!! I am looking forward to seeing my baby with all my heart.

Catatonic mind

2010-09-24T18:27:00.003+08:00

Being cautious is good when one's dealing with something essential! Or, maybe not, because the one who dares to take the risk holds a better chance to succeed!

One's fate lies in one's hand! That's certainly true~ Because my personality had many times troubled me with unneccessary worries.

Take this time surgery for example: I was pretty evasive about laparoscopy before because the fallopian tubes are right next to the ovaries and and I was afraid I would be mistreated, since too many mispractices had occured out of doctors' carelessness or laziness.

My mom was an innocent victim under this circumstance. Back in 2005, she was under a surgery to lift up her bladder and to remove her uterus. Because not only these 2 organs had aged but also sunk by gravity and inflexibility. To our surprise was that some time after the surgery, my mom went to another doctor to consult something else. The sonograph showed that one of her ovaries was gone.

My mom said, she didn't recall agreeing to have her ovaries removed. My brother was very angry about this. Even though, my mom is already into her menopause, still there is no reason having healthy organ removed. So, why did the doctor do so?
It's not hard to understand!! Our national insurance have many flaws and one of them is that every surgery costs a price and the hospitals get refund from our government based on the insurance policies. It's all about money!! The evil doctor just thought my mom was over reproductive age and she no longer needed her ovary.

That's what stirs my catatonic nerve~~~
But just to think of the possibility of losing my ovaries like my mom did really drives me crazy!! One worries me further more is that my fertility doctor and the doc. who did this surgery were schoolmates. They are friends and know each other's family. What if one covers for the other?

Ah~~~~
In oder to calm my nerves down and to stop the nonsence, I visited a female gyno next my apartment. I told her my worries and she checked me right away!

I am fine~~~
The black voids I saw from my post-surgical follow-up check were not my ovaries. They were the voids where my tubes supposed to be.

I am totally relieved now!!

All I can say is I am under a super big stress to have a baby for the family. I have to exclude the elements that might block my way to motherhood.

After Laparoscopy

2010-09-21T12:58:00.004+08:00

It has been 3 weeks after the surgery. The after-surgery care instruction mentioned that it takes about 4-6 weeks to recover fully. So, I still avoid lifting anything above 6 pounds, including my beloved dog. The incision wounds on my belly healed quickly after about a week and I didn't suffer much of the after-effects the nursed mentioned. I only felt a bit sore around my throat because of the anesthesia. Other than that, I didn't feel the shoulder pain they told me I would have.

The body surface recovers well on me. Only some twinges still occur from time to time! I guess it takes more time to heal inside.

After the tapes were removed, I got to see how the wounds are like. If I stand in front of the mirror, the incision on my navel is hardly seen. Only that my navel was shallower then, now my belly button seems deeper.

The 2 incisions on the sides, on the other hand, are much more obvious. From the whole, they are rather small comparing with the fatty belly I have. But when I look at them from a sitting position, they simply reveal the ugliness.

Because the ectopic P was on the left, the scar on my left side was bigger. The scar tissue healed off as a round and bean-like shape. I hate to touch because I would have the urge to scratch it.

The right one is much smaller and narrower, but still feel bumpy in hand touch.
The worst thing is they are not on the levarage. One is higher than the other one!

What if I want to wear bikini and one scar is not inside the cover?
I guess the doctors don't care about this issue~~ My doctor didn't even think I needed to use any cosmetic tape. They have absolutely no idea how important it is to women to have no scars.

One thing that I think is good is my belly fat~

When I received my first IVF treatment, I needed to give myself shots on my belly. I was pretty happy that I had fat around the belly. Because I didn't feel much pain, the needle could only reach the fat level under the skin.
If I were someone thinner with no fat. I guess it would have caused lots of pain into the muscle.

This time, the incisions after laparoscopy, I was thankful again to my belly fat.
Because my belly was so round and fatty, I didn't feel much tearing pain when I walked or moved.

The fat probably stuck together automatically right after the operation was performed. The fat might have been so sticky that it left no room and so the skin could have healed so quickly.

I hope I can feel better soon from inside and have my normal life back. Walking my dog .....etc.

Laparoscopy Aug.31,2010

2010-09-08T18:41:00.003+08:00

I'm 160 cm / 57 kg with BMI 22. Not too thin, but doesn't fit to the beauty norm here in Taiwan either! I am considered quite bulky to many's eyes, so is that why I can't squeeze into mommyhood?
A stupid statement? I know....how stupid it sounds~
I can't hide how depressed I am though.

Last Monday, I was admitted to the hospital for the next morning surgery. The decision was made in the haste. I was seeing the doctor for the follow-up check about my HCG which had been causing a great panic for a whole week. I was hoping to hear the good news about the MTX effect, but the embryo didn't seem to cave whatsoever, it rose even higher up to 819.44.

The whole thing went back to July 21, when I recieved the ET, the second try to conceive.
The ET procedure went much better than IVF, since I didn't need to get plenty shots for egg-retrieving.
All I did this time was watching out for the ovulating time and visited doc, then the doctor simply chose a date to do the FET. 4 were placed.

After that, I waited impatiently for 14 days for the result. Patience seemed to be an impossible virtue. Coun't wait the result to be announced. This time I'd decided not to wait until the 14th day. I secretly used HPT to get the result without telling my husband.
Suprisingly, it showed a very very light pink line. I tried not to say a word and I performed it again the next morning, a little bit stronger light pink, but still light. My very first time!!! I had never been pregnant before~~
My husband had noticed my getting-up-too-early behavior and wondered why, after I showed him the stick with 2 lines. He burst out tears~~~I didn't.

The joy of possible parenthood didn't last long, on the 15th day the spotting showed. Light orange. I was told not to think too much but needed to be more cuatious.

The 21st day, the transvaginal ultrasound couldn't see the sac and the HCG test wasn't good enough. They told me to wait for another 7 days. Sometime it grew slow, they said.

On 23th I was admitted to the ER because I bled a lot. The inexperienced Intern Gyno said, he saw the sac and told me not to worry too much.

Until then I had no idea the embryo had landed the wrong spot!!!!

The reason I got the heavier flow was caused by a shrieking spasm through my tail bone.
It lasted for hours and I thought it was because of my old wound. I was wondering why my tail bone nerve pain came back to me after so long. The continual spasms ended up with the flow and I thought I lost it!!

On the 6 week of my pregnancy, the sac was still missing!! HCG test result went down to 200 sth. The spotting didn't stop~~

Natural miscarriage was to be expected ~~ the doc said.
I should stop taking Utrogeston and should have returned for a follow up check up after the flow ended.

Right after stopping the Utrogeston, the flow went heavier, but it didn't turn heavy enough as it supposed to be. Just unlike what I had before.

32rd day, the tail-bone spasms came back again, it lasted a whole night this tims.
On Auguest 23rd , I was admitted to the ER again~ only this time I went to a nearby hospital not where with a 50 minutes drive away in Taipei.

I was taken to the hospital by the paramedics with an ambulance. Because the pain was so great I couldn't even stand up. 3 pain-killer shots, 2 blood tests, 1 intra drip. A night with horrifying pain~ The pain-relieving shots were too strong and I cough for days.

I told the ER doc my condition, told him I received ET on July 21st and was in a state of the natural miscarriage. (Somehow my husabnd mistakenly told the paramedics that I might be having the ectopic pregnancy. Was that a 6th instinct or what, I dunno!!)

The ER arranged a Gyno to see me. It was the one I thought I would go to after the end of the miscarriage. Because I thought the second failure might had something to do with the hydrosalpinges I had.

I knew I had to cut the tubes, only that I wanted to get a second opinion!!
So, that's how coincident it was, the one on the duty that night was the doctor I was hoping to seek the opinion for.

I told him my medical history!! He decided to run another HCG test and asked me to return the same week on Friday.

Auguest 27, the HCG result from 23rd was 285.

Weird enough!!! On the 6th week of my pregnancy was 200sth. after 7 days, it was 285.
How was that possible? I asked the doctor. Everything was possible he told me.
Another blood test was suggested. On 27th, another blood test was run.
I returned the next day.
The HCG rose up to 750. From 23th to 27th, the HCG rose from 285-750.

It was a Saturday, the doctor gave me a MTX shot to abort it.
I should return earlier for another blood test after 2 days on Monday.

Even higher, MTX didn't work~~HCG was up to 819.44.

I can't tell how panic I was. I was feeling chills on my spine!!!

I was hoping I would never need to confront the hydro problem.

With the hydrosalpinges I had, and the apparent the ectopic pregnancy I was in.
Doctor suggested I got it over with all together. He said he could have given me aother MTX but I would have needed to fix the hydro problems anyway after this.

I was forced to confront my bilateral hydro earlier~~
The surgery this time takes longer time and I was under a full anesthesia with a tube in my mouth that sounded horrible.

It was good that the hospital physicians and nurses kept confirming the surgery I was taking with me. Their SOP could show how much they cared not to make any mistakes.
However, it was just too much to be told how I was going to be placed with a tube in my mouth and how painful I might be feeling after I woke up.

The one thing that broke my nerves was that my doctor was late. He was in a meeting and left his cell in his office. I was held up in my bed for about an hour while nurses were calling him.

Totally not okay~~~~
The same night, I was expecting his visit from my ward and it was this close that he might miss again.
I had no idea why he became so evasive after the surgery. Although he told me everything was done as our discussion. One side was taaken out, the other side was cut off.

I was feeling so insecure about what he did. Still I told myself he was well-known in this hospital and there was no reason why someone like him would want to ruin his own reputation.

A 41 day disaster finally stepped off stage on August 31st~~~

DEPRESSED~~

Getting prepared for the upcoming Summer!

2010-05-24T20:40:00.004+08:00

The second semester is coming to the end and my second IVF is about to begin soon. After the first fail, I realized I wasn't brave nor optimistic~~I still remember the very last time I gave prayer to God and somehow, after I deliverd my speech, I felt like a-balloon-let-go. At that moment I felt my GOD wasn't with me~~

That's so scary and from then, I haven't yet been able to bring up the courage to step into the temple to lit up a candle.

Saying that, after 3 months of rest and reboost, with that ticking clock tailing behind my back, I pressed down the button making appoitnment with my doctor this morning inquiring the second round.

I asked about the tube-cutting surgery, the blood test results from the last time process which I had never been informed of and several small questions; such as, "How much can caffeine affect?" "How long should one stay in bed?" "How serious can retroverted U's effect to the egg placement?"
"Should I take this Vita or that?"

No,no,no,no....were the answers to the above.
My hormone blood tests were fine! The only big problem that needs to be fixed is my tubes.
The retroflexed U causes no impact whatsoever.
Caffeine determines nothing! One cup of coffee a day won't chip your baby away.
So, I have no plan in changing my tea habit.

That's rather strange because many dicussions from forums of infertility in Taiwan strongly recommend caffeine-free pregnancy, organic food diet.

Before I went, I maneuvered the conversation and the questions. I thought about getting the surgery first, so I could remove the factor that might jeopardise the foetus.

I read from a book saying that hydrosalpinge lower the chance of IVF, while the ratio of successful IVF only reaches 20-30%.

It seems wiser to cut the tubes first, but to cut them off is like cutting of all hope of motherhood.

Ah~~~it is so tough!!

After 14 days of Waiting, First IVF Failed!!

2010-02-21T02:34:00.005+08:00

Feb 3, 2010

I was told to check in the hospital in the early morning at 10 for collecting my eggs. It was just a one-day operation,so no hospitalization was required.

Although it was rather a small surgery, a full-body anesthesia was needed. It was my second time in the operation room since last August. I wasn't nervous at all.

Report to the counter, filled in the forms they requested, put on the surgical outfit, waiting patiently at the waiting area with my mom and husband.

Before I went in, one patient was pushed out to the recovery area, a doctor was talking to her husband, annoucing the bad news of egg-collecting.

We didn't mean to overhear, but somehow, we couldn't help ourselves paying attention to what the doctor said. The doctor of that patient was unable to collect any eggs from her, even though the ultrasound showed a postive result before the surgery.

I was the 4th. When my name was called, I walked quickly to counter. The nurse there asked me to lie down on one bed and take off my glasses.

They pushed me into the room where another 3 were waiting for me, settled everything for me.

In order to relax my mood, they even asked me if I would like to listen to some music. I didn't mind, they laughed and said; " Certainly you won't know when you are under anesthesai."

Stuck the pads on me for EKG! Poked the needle on my hand for anesthesia.

This was the worst part. Didn't know what happened to that nurse, she couldn't push it through my vein and did it a second time. What's worse, she failed the 2nd time as well and there went the 3rd time.

I didn't know if they had realized how big and thick the needle was. They did say sorry and let another nurse did the 3rd time.

I passed out~~~When I came to, the first question I asked was " How many eggs did they collect?"

22 / 22 eggs.

Thanks GOD~

I went home the same day, tired and weak. It hurt more the first time.

Feb 4th, 2010

10 in the morning, I called the reproductive center again for the result.

Out of 22 eggs, 18 were fertilized. They said, 15 fertilized eggs were to be frozen for the future.

I needed to report to the hospital again for embryo transfer on 6th.

Feb 6th, 2010

With my still swollen belly, felt like I was hit by a car on my belly. The soreness was all over at my abdomen left a great dragging feeling.

Over 10 patients were getting their tranfers the same day. I was waiting for my doctor with my husband quietly among the couples.

My appointment was 11, we reported there at 9: 40.

At 11: 25, the procedure was finished. It took less than 10 minutes, while I lied in the bed for transfer, I heard my doctor discuss my situation with another physician in the center. He was afraid I would have OHSS and thought only 1 embryo should have been planted.

He had already discussed that with me on 3rd. I didn't disagree because he was the professional.

Although there isn't any strong evidence showing that staying in bed will increase the embryo placement, they still let us stay in bed for 90 minutes before we go.

Later that day, we filled our mind with fantacy.

Feb 7th, 2010

The heaviness at the lower belly continued~ So bloated.
Instead of lying in bed all day, we went to department store for dinner.
I didn't know if I was doing the right thing, but since many websites had said that it would have increased a higher pregnancy rate. I thought, perhaps a better blood circulation may have been helpful for embryo placement.

From many forum I went to, the experienced ones still said, a few days in bed was needed.
But......well...

Feb 8th, 2010

I slept a lot since the transfer and on 8th; when I woke up, somehow, I felt light
No water retention, no heaviness, still sore on the sides. Body weight---light.
I was thinking if........... but then I cut the thought off.

Feb 12th, 2010

6 days after the transfer, the first follow-up blood test. For what kind of hormone test, I had absolutely no idea. Only know that it was about medicine adjustment.

I called back at 6 pm as usual. They said, the report showed 'okay.' Just continued the dose I was taking.

Early that morning, the nurse in the center asked if I had felt bloated. I said; only at the first 2 days.

I knew what she meant of course. I had checked many websites during that 6 days.
Some successful cases said that if felt bloated at the second week before running the pregnancy test, usually, the bloated one shown a better sucessful rate.

I had all my heart hoping that I would feel bloated again soon.

Feb 13th, 2010

It was Chinese New Year's Eve.
This year, I went back to my parents for new year because it seemed better for me this way. Otherwise, I would have had to help my in-law's catering business during new year.
That is the routine in my husband's family.
Doing a catering business is when others want to save their trouble in the kitechen, they know they have us to let them bring home the cooked dishes.
So, usually, working working working is how my husband's family have for new year.

Even at home with my own parents, I couldn't stop the uneasiness of the next 7 days.

Feb 19th, 2010

Got up early and drove to the hospital. It was our first time doing it, usually we take train and MRT.

It's the day to find out the answer. I didn't have much confidence!
One-- only one was planted.
Two--the success rate of one embryo transfer is 20-30%

The nurse asked again if I felt bloated. "yes!" I said.
But could that be a postive sign, I didn't know.

There are sure to be someone else who didn't feel anything but conceived successfully, right?
I tried to ask them about my other 15 fronzen embryo and how I should start my next transfer.
They didn't feel like answering it and asked if I had had the pregnancy test at home.
I replied; I just wanted to prepare in advance.

6:00 in the evening.
picked up the phone and dialed the number, tell the doctor who I was. AND~~~~~

It came out "NEGATIVE!"
&
I should make an appointment with my doctor consulting the next transfer.

Even though, we had prepared ourselves this; knowing the chance was low. We couldn't resist the upsetting feelings washed over us.
We didn't talk much and Angus avoided the result by hitting the hays.

I felt so lost myself.

I tried to think why? Why?
Was it that I didn't stay in bed for a week? Or was it because I walked my dog?
They did warn us not to lift something heavy. But how about walking a hyper dog?
Could it be that I drank tea? They didn't mention anything about tea or coffee?

National Taiwan University Hospital is one of the biggest hospitals in Taiwan. This is the hospital I go since I was a child. I have a big pile of medical record there and I trust it with all the best doctors in Taiwan.

With all the well-skilled doctors and high medical tech. Its reproductive center didn't have a booklet or guildline for patients who undergo IVF what they should follow after the embryo transfer!!!
They didn't provide the rate for the blood test. No explanation either!
I didn't even know how good or how bad my eggs were.
Many private reproductive clinics level the eggs into ABC or 123 quality.
They will also remind their patients of what to do and what not to do, what to eat and what should be more careful.
They tell their patients the numbers of different hormone rates.

I thought knowing those hormone rate didn't mean much to me because I am not an expert at this. knowing those will only cause worry and trouble to me.

But, at least, they should tell us what we should be more careful with? Such as: tea or not tea?
They didn't!!

I read a lot opinions and questions from different forums. Many others like me mentioned that--

no alcohol and caffeine are allowed.
Stay in bed is needed.
No sex.
No bathtub bath, no sauna or hotspring.

I broke some from the above. Was it why I didn't conceive?

Then, I thought of my Hydrosalpinges !!!!
My doc did mention it that it wasn't all impossible for hydrosalpinges to conceive successfully!
That was why I stepped right into IVF.

I thought if I could have conceived without having my tube burn off, why not giving it a try and perhaps I would have been lucky, who knew?

I guess not!

I surfed the net all night looking for the article regarding the connection between IVF and hydrosalpinges.
Most of them said: "the rate to carry a newborn with 1 embryo transfer is 20-30%, but with bilateral hydro, the rate of success is 20-30% times 0.7-0.8.
So it is 14-24%

In conclusion--

1. have my tubes cut off
2. try again with my frozen embryos
3. when?

Quest Begins

2010-02-10T16:58:00.008+08:00

After removing my septum, I took a few months resting, didn't feel like hurry for IVF. Of course, commuting back and forth between work and home exhausted me so much. I didn't want to tire myself out, however, I did go to Chinese doctor for my adjustment. She is famous in the field of women problems, including infertility of course. It was always difficult to consult her for more than 5 minutes after hours of waiting because she had too many patients to see within only a few hours of consulting time.

I still managed to see her every 2 weeks, being patient in taking the bitter Chinese medicine 3 times a day. In the meantime, having constant aruguements with my husband about his smoking habit. Always in mood swings for TO DO or NOT TO DO? Never stopped wondering why I should be the one to sacrifice so much while he still thought quitting his habit wouldn't have helped much.

Sometimes he would lose it and said; it was me who had the problem. F**K him!! ( I could have chosen not to do it. But I did because I thought we were one and being one meant he should have put some efforts too, right? Besides, he knew before we got married that I couldn't be pregnant easily)

Anyhow, I quit going to Chinese doctor after a couple times, though she was pretty confident in unblocking my tubes, which I wasn't so convinced of. How can my hydrosalpinx situation be unwided, scientifically speaking!!

So, by the time I quit, it was getting nearer to my winter vacation and there went again my journey of hospital visits.

Dec. 13th, 2009

My cycle began, I knew it's time to make an appointment again to set into the IVF procedure.
So, I made an appointment in a close by hospital in Taoyuan, anticipating a possible chance of getting IVF near home. Otherwise, I would have to travel regularly to and fro to Taipei. (It takes about a hour one way)

Dec. 15th, 2009

Doc. Chiang, a super popular doc in Taoyuan for those mommy-to-be or wanted-to-be. He took a few second flipping through the med record I brought, suggesting me underwent aother surgery for re-confirmation. He also adviced for unblocking my tubes to see if that would have worked.

After walking out of the consulting room, I told my hubby I would go to Taipei to see Dr. Yang again. I just couldn't trust a doc whom I couln't discuss with.

Dec. 23th, 2009

In National Taiwan University Hospital again! Apparently I missed my Dec. chance for IVF.

The whole process should be started by the time my BBT curve goes higher, it means when my temperature goes into higher period, that is time I can start getting medication.

I didn't know that, so, by the time I saw Dr. Yang, I had to wait for 2 more weeks for the right timing.

I talked to him about my hydrosalpinx again, consulting whether getting another surgery to cut the tubes off is necessary. He said, it's hard to say if that would affect IVF. If the situation did affect the embryo after transfered, then I should re-consider removing them.

I spent nearly 30,000NT for the medication and brought them home waiting for the right timing to start. Also, right after seeing the doc., I went to a 3-hour training course for all IVF patients.

Jan. 4th, 2010

Maybe it was me feeling stressed or something, I didn't get higher temperature as I supposed to.

The curve was still at the lower end. So, I visited doc again.

I was told to wait a few more days for the upper end. Then I could go ahead for the nasal spray on the 7th day.

Jan. 6th 2010

My second year Wedding Anniversary. The way to celebrate it was to receive HIV and Syphilis tests. We didn't realize it was our wedding anniversary after we took the tests.

In the training course, it mentioned that in Taiwan, our government has strict laws for those couples who need IVF. We need to hand in the report to show we are STD free.

In the process, I will have my blood drawn on the 2nd day of my period, for both my hormone level and STD. My husband's too, of course.

But then it will take a whole week to find out the result. What should I have my mood pending for this while I had my whole mind thinking for the IVF.
So, we decided to find a clinic to have the test.

Certainly, the result came out the next day saying we were both STD free.

Jan 10th, 2010

Supremom

Buserelin nasal spray, some kind of alternative treatment for hormone injection. It is a much easier method to inhale the hormone rather than putting a needle in tummy.

4 times a day on both sides , 4-6 hours in between. It should be applied when you are told to stop.

Jan 19th, 2010

Spotting began, calling the reproductive medical center for the next day test.

Jan 20th, 2010

Got up early in the morning, took a 45-minute train to Taipei main station, got on the subway. Reported to the reproductive center on 9th floor. Handed in the STD report, ID, ID copies.

They had to make sure we were married to each other. Filled in some forms. Reported again to the blood-drawing center.
Beared in mind that I needed to call at 6 pm for the next step.

<<6:00pm>>

Cut down the dose on Supremom. From now, 4 times a day, one side at a time.
225IU Gonal-F injection should be applied every day at 8 pm, started on 21st.

( Why 8 pm? At the training, they said, giving us a certain time to follow cuts down the worries for some women to feel distraught on when to do what)

Jan 21st, 2010

Angus promised to be home as earlier as he could manage to help me with my injection. I knew it was quite impossible because of the traffic. I was mentally prepared to do it myself if he couldn't have made it

At 8:00 pm

he called and said he would be late and asked if it would have been much different if I performed it later. I guess not. I said: " I'll wait!"

At 8:30 pm

He walked in to see I had prepared the needle pen and all. He wanted to help, but I said no.
Because he couldn't be with me every night at 8. I said I would do it myself with him watching.
I checked the label for 225 IU, hooked up the needle, open the alcohol swap and sterilize the part under my naval button. Pull the safety click.

Took a deep breath, punch in the needle. click the needle pen....one, two, three, four. wait for 10 seconds, pull it up.
Some blood gush out of the hole. I screamed~~~ pressed it hard with another alcohol swap.
I DIDN'T cry!! Felt released to do it though.

(I was too nervous, so accidently rubbed it and left bruise)

Jan 21st--Jan 24th, 2010 / Thursday-Sunday

Gonal-F shots for 4 days

Supremom, 4 times a day

Needed to return to hospital on Monday

Jan 25th--26th, 2010 / Monday-Tuesday

Ultrasound + Blood test ( I had many follicles)

Continued 225 IU for Gonal-F / Supremom

Report to the hospital on Wednesday

Jan 27th--28th, 2010 / Wednesday-Thursday

Ultrasound + Blood test ( My doc thought my follicles were growing too slow. I asked why? Had it to do with caffeine. I drink tea a lot. He said No. It was because of the numbers of follicles I had)

Gonal-F as usual, stopped Supremom

Returned on Friday

Jan 29th, 2010 / Friday

Ultrasound + blood test (still too small, so they added another kind of injection)

Gonal-F 225 IU

Luveris 75 IU.

Jan 30th-31st ,2010 / Saturday-Sunday

Received my forth ultrasound this week. My vein was poked for blood test the 4th time within 7 days.

Feb 1st, 2010

Many of follicles had reached the standard sizes. I was told to check in on Wednesday for collecting eggs.

My first surgery

2010-02-01T18:17:00.004+08:00

Back in August, 2009

In order to get the best result, the Septoplasty is normally done a few days after the menstrual period. Right after the surgery, the doctor will place an balloon inside the uterus to prevent the tissue scars. 3 days later, the first time follow-up visit is needed, doc will remove the balloon and after another 7 days, it comes the better time to remove any scarring occured. Usually one follow-up visist for the scarring removing is neccessary. Then, the last follow-up visit needs to be waited until the next cycle ends. This is the whole process !!
Mine goes a bit longer then normally expected!!It's because I have been having irregular period since the beginning of 2009. I didn't know when my flow would arrive in August. This shouldn't have been an problem, since the new semester in college won't started until the mid Sep. I knew, I had plenty of time to recover myself.The thing is, in Taiwan, we have ghost month every lunar July. It was coming near while I was waiting for my irregular period to pay its visit. Our traditional taboo is avoiding making any big decisions relates to life matters in lunar July, the ghost month. Nothing is auspiciou in this month!! My mom was worried sick, of course!! But my situation left me no ability to do anything about it. It kept me waiting until Aug. 7th. I couldn' t see the doc. until the 10th and the doctor didn't want me to miss the best timing, he fitted me into a 3-day hospitalization program, started on 13th.There weren't so many things to do on the first day.
I was told to check in the hospital in the early morning for blood test, urine test, X-ray, EKG first. Then, I needed to report to the Inpatient Admission. The nurse who was in charged, took my blood pressure to make sure I wasn't too nervous about the surgery the next day and asked me to fill out different forms which asked pretty much the same questions over and over. She keyed in my medical history into her laptop to build up the data, then dutifully, she remined me of a prepare-patient-before-and-after-surgery course at 2 pm that same day.It was my first surgery in my life time. I was pretty struggled before it, but after some researches, online discussions. I had prepared myself well enough to face it and when the time I was in the hospital, nothing seemed to be too big a deal.My husband took 2 days off to show his support. Thanks to his playful personality, we were chatting merrily for something else, relaxed ourselves sitting on the adjustable bed, reading magazines, eating snacks.The resident and my atteding doctors paied me visit later in the evening. The atteding prepared me by placing "Laminaria" on my cervix. I felt sored and bit painful all night once it was placed. That's normal, they said. The resident scared me by putting a soft needle on my hand for tomorrow!! It was awful because I could feel the needle went ups and downs under my thin skin.
That were all for the first day. I wasn't supposed to eat anything or drink anything after midnight and I think, that was the biggest torture in the whole experience. On 14th, they had arranged to have 65-67 operations and I was the last 2 or 3. It means that I had to wait until noon to get the surgery. I was starved for 12 hours before the surgery. When it was finally my turn, the nurse wheeled me down to the room. My husband started getting panic, so instead of saying something comfort to me, he said; "good-bye hon" before I was wheeled in.
In that metallic, cold surgery room, I realized having deep myopia wasn't totally a bad thing. When I couldn't see clear in the room, I wasn't so nervous. They hooked up those medical equips on me. Just under a few second, Boom, I was under anesthesia.
When I finally came to, it was already 4:00 pm in the afternoon. I thought, the procedure took only 30 minutes, plus the time in the recovery room. Perhaps it would have taken only 2 hours or so.
So, the time I got back my hearing in the recovery room, listening to the nurses talking their plans after their shifts, I was surprised to hear it was 4 and wondered: "What! Already 4? What took it so long? What happened to me?"
Around 4:30 or so, I opened up and wanted to drink water so much. There went my next 12 hours throwing-up. I was suffered in the serious side-effect of the anesthesia. I had thrown up everything I tried to swallow. Juice, pudding, water, porridge.
The good thing about everything was, I didn't feel much pain afterward. It wasn't like a bad period or feeling the cut wound or anything. Just mild bloated.

The hardest thing was to hold on to that balloon inside me. Because there was a bag, collecting blood attached to it. So, the bag was dangling outside. I had to be very careful when I moved to avoid yanking the balloon out. The doc said, it was crucial that the balloon stayed in for 3 days to prevent the scarring. Otherwise, I might get a second surgery.
I checked out the hospital on 15th and went back to my parents'. The most difficult 3 days started. I was either lying on the bed or sofa, carrying the bag carefully, thinking about 3 days.
All I needed to watch out was only 3 days. First day passed, second day passed, BOOM~~~
On the 3rd day, when the follow-up visit was just 12 hours away. The thing came off!!
I was screaming in the bathroom! Thinking all my hard work, every step I had patiently followed and thing just slipped out.
It wasn't balloon-like at all. It was more like a marble. I thought the balloon shrank or something. I called the nurse for help and she got me the on-duty doc. She told me not to worry about it and I should wrap it up and bring it to my attending doc the next morning.
Well... that was unnecessary!! My attending just said:" It always slips out easily!" At least, I tried to hold it in for 2 days and half. That was enough.
I recovered well so far after 2 times follow-ups. When I returned for the 1st follow-ups. The doctor told me the reason why I was under the surgery longer.
My septum wasn't only longer, which extended to the upper end of my vagina But the doc already knew that when I received the 3-D ultrasound. When he excercised the operation, he found out it was thicker than the cases he had before.
So, when he thought he could had done it within 30 minutes, instead, he spent 1 and half hours to remove it.
I am thankful for his carefulness!! I didn't have the terrible scarring in me, so when I returned for the 2nd follow-up. I didn't have to bleed again, nothing was necessary to be removed.
The 1st diffculty conquered~~~~~~~~hurray~~~~
There are still problems to solve from my Hydrosalpinx. IVF to come~~
I think, everything will be all right! Seeing many who share the same situations out there, knowing that already many of you have succeeded in MOMMY-HOOD.
I am sure, I will soon be a mom TOO~~~Go Girls.~~~~Nothing is impossible!!!
P.S The only benefit I get is, now I don't feel thing get inbetween when I put in the tampon.

It all started last summer

2010-02-01T15:29:00.007+08:00

After a year and half without any sign of pregnancy and with my sister-in-law's mommy-to-be condition pushed behind my back, I'd finally decided to face my worst nightmare. The problem I found back in 2004 and thus; eversince last summer, I've been going in and out of hospital fightint for my chances for being a MOM.

The chronicle order of different checkups--

2009. 6. 30

Although I was pretty aware of the problem I had, I still thought it would be better to seek a second opinion somewhere else besides National Taiwan University Hospital. Afterall, my first diagnose was several years ago. They didn't care that much to confirm which anomaly I was back then. They said, I wasn't married and the anomaly I had couldn't promise the infertility. Second, I thought it was too troublesome to go to Taipei for the checkup anyway. Commuting back and forth costs a great deal of time. I didn't want that either! Therefore, I sought a well-known doctor in Taoyuan and paid him a visit.

I went through every checkup I had again back in Taipei. Blood test, Trans-vaginal ultrasound. I had to tell the physician that I already knew my anomaly. She held a doubt, but rechecked again to confirm the 2 cavaties. At this time, I still didn't know why it was so hard for them to find out that I had 2 cavaties in my uterus.

Doctor Chiang confirmed my anomaly, but suggested that I went back to National Taiwan University Hospital (NTUH) for a surgery called, Metroplasty. He gave me a name and claimed the one to be his schoolmate back in med school. He performed this sort of cases.

So, there I was. Destined to be in NTUH for my journey of mommyhood~~~

2009. 7. 3 Trans-vaginal ultrasound

Doctor Yang in NTUH reviewed the history of my med record and arranged the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) on July 6th, 2009.

2009. 7. 6 HSG

This test was unlike the ultrasound which gives only a slightly sore! The horrible HSG is more like a small invasive surgery which needs the patient to lie on an examining plateform where a physician will open your vagina with a speculum and insert a long long plastic tube inside you. Then it comes the scary part; in order to secure the tube, the physician has to pin two clips on two side of your birth tunnel. The worst step is the contrast dye, it needs to be injected, so the dye can go through your fallopian tubes and they will take pictures asking you to lie on your sides. If you were with problems, then you might feel pain or soreness inside you. Some who might be allergic to contrast dye would end up vomiting or feel dizzy.

It was by far the most painful exam I have ever had. I didn't have allergic reaction over the dye, but I felt so much pain on my ovaries areas. It turned out that I was in much more trouble than I expected.

2009. 7 .17 3-D Sonagraphy

When I was transfered back to NTUH. I knew I needed to receive a surgery to get rid of Mullerian anomaly. However, to make sure what kind I was; I was told to get a few tests for assurance. That's why I got the HSG! On July 17th, I was arranged to receive a 3-D sonagraphy to confirm my anomaly. They needed to triple checks from different dimensions before the surgery. Of course, it's better being careful than being regreful. I was trying my best to stay patient the whole time. Dr. Yang told me the result from my HSG test, it all came up clear that the failure of being conceived may not have been with my anomaly but my fallopian tubes.
Bilateral blockage, the Hydrosalpinx.

When I walked out of the consulting room, I couldn't help sheding tears calling my hubby and told him the sad news.

I wasn't submerged in sadness for long! One was, I couldn't resist anticipating the possible way out of the marriage bondage. Thinking it might have been my ticket back on the train to single land. ( Only God knows how terrible it is to be a man-wife in Taiwan) Then, I picture my bright future pursuing my PHD but might end up living my rest entirely alone by myself. Nuh~~
Well... I was soon recovered to normal me. Of course, I was getting Metroplasty for sure because who knew if my present marriage doesn't work I won't be having my second Mr. Right?

Anyway, on July 17th. I was told to visit again when my cycle began. The operation needed to be perform right after the period.

2009. 8. 10

Visited Dr. Y for the acurate date.

2009. 8. 13-15 Hysteroscopic Metroplasty

The surgery was set on Aug. 14th. I needed to check in a day earlier for some preparations.
I'll post aother for the details.
I was in the hospital for 2 days and half. The surgery took much longer than expected. I was in there for an hour and half.

2009. 8. 17

First re-checkup. The scar was healing up all right! Doctor told me that why I was in the operation longer than expected.
The septum that grew in the middle of my uterus was not only longer than the cases he had before but also much thicker. That's the reason why some other physicians failed to discover I had 2 cavaties in my uterus. When they inserted the camera, the stick usually just went into one part and mistaken the half part of it to be the whole.
I wondered how well they were trained to fail noticing the size of my uterus. When they thought the half of me to be the whole, hadn't it occured to them that the size they saw on the monitor was smaller than the sizes they usually spotted?
Weired~~~
Anyhow, to be more specific, the septum Dr. Yang removed from me was like a solid concrete wall that made two compartment inside my uterus. He suggested that I visited 2 more time in case of serious scar tissue adhesion. If the wound healed up too bad, the scar part will affect the function of carrying a baby too.

2009. 8 .17

The following checkup to cut open the ugly scar tissue

2009. 8.24

Dr. told me my wound was healing up beautifully. I was happy to hear that, but I wasn't all too surprised by it. I had car accident before and there are a few scars on my face and legs. The left scars were all hard to notice.

2009. 8. 31

Final Checkup~~~ I was told to visit one last time after the coming period.

2009. 9. 14

Case closed !! I am 100 % normal now. Also, the entire summer vacation was gone.

My New Lover

2009-07-16T20:51:00.006+08:00

Pineapple

I never knew keeping a dog would bring me so much happiness. Being a dog-lover, I had always wanted one, but never had chance to. About 3 months ago, my hubby and I suddenly had this idea wanting to adopt a dog to fill in the void.

Part was because I had to work away from home and we thought keeping one could keep Angus company. One other reason was because we really love dogs, whenever we saw someone walking his/her dog on the street, we two would approach near like some kinky psychoes and tried to play with their dogs without even looking at the owners. I know how odd it sounds, how eccentric our behavior was, but we couldn't help doing it. We love dogs so much~~~

What triggered us to take our action was one late night, we were parking our car near a park. There was one gold retriever taking its leak in it. Angus told me to take a look. (We always signals each other when we see a cute dog.) When he told me to do so, I was shocked a bit because I saw no humans in the park, then I saw the dog and found out the dog was all alone by itself.

That old dog was taking its time sniffing around and marking it territory. At first, we just wanted to get close to it to pat it a bit. Angus, somehow, had this horrible thinking suggesting that the dog might have been deserted by its owner and said how nice it would be if we could just bring it home and earned ourselves a free dog.

Then, under the illusive spell, we started to tempt it with some snack we just bought.

This gold retriever was a smart one, not only didn't it let us pat it, but it also kept running away when we fished it with snack. It ran, we chased~~~~ It hid, we sought~~~~ Block to block, we followed.

Although, I would have loved it so much if we could have just taken it home, I still knew how crazy it was to take home an old dog. Besides, it's so big that we couldn't possibly felt comfortable with it in our little apartment.

We had been chasing that dog for about 30 minutes, at last, he gave in to my husband's great force and let him touch it, it refused to take a bite on what we offered though.

While my silly husband were reaching his full-of-bad-idea hand toward the dog, he felt the name tag on dog's collar.

I was so released when I heared there was a tag on the dog, Angus called but no one answered. We tried to read the address on the tag and realized the dog lived around the neightborhood.

It turned out that it was let out to take a leak only and ran into 2 crazy people who tried to take it away from its sweet home.~~~~

That was when we decided to have one on our own. A puppy, of course!!

We did some research to see what breed suit us better.

I love large-size dogs; such as, Gold retrievers, labs, huskeys....etc. While Angus prefers some breeds like; bull dogs, dachshund and so on.

We both love Pembroke Welsh Corgi because of its large ears, round face and short legs. It is so cute when it is a puppy and cuter when it grows up.

So, we looked around to see who wanted to give away their puppies for adoption. After making a few phone calls, we learned that those who posted on the internet for puppy adoption charged adopters for money because they were afraid puppies would fall into bad hands. (There have been news about animal abuse.)

Later, we bought Pineapple. It was 39-day-old when we brought it home. I was so excited to have it with us, nervous at the same time since I had no experience at all.

I bought a book about this particular breed, tried to tolerate the foul smell when I had to clean its poo at first (Now, I get used to it all right) ~~

Now it has been living with us for nearly 3 months, we still receive calls from the seller. (He is a good breeder, he was so worried that it might not survive in our hands)

Today, I took it to the vet for its third vaccine. It is perfectly healthy and very energetic.

It is like us too. We were so surprised when we found out that pets are like their owners.

It is a greedy eater, never stop asking for food and gets angry when its appetite isn't satisfied. Hehehe.....too many funny things to tell.

I love my Pineapple.

I am happy that it becomes one member of the family now. In the future, when Angus and I have our baby, it will still be the big brother in the rank, I suppose.~~Ha~~~

Hopelessly Positive / Habitually Negative

2009-04-09T00:36:00.008+08:00

How we are brought up by our families with the primary domestic education, plus schooling and social experiences help determine our temperaments and personalities. Some part of us may change over time through different age phases out of the clashes with inspiring new ideas and conceptions, however, some may never change because those characteristics are rooted in our genes. I believe this theory saying that some are born to be more optimistic than others.

Under the imprinted influence from my mom, my brother and I are constanly in low moods. Because our rooted causes are the same, our melancholy developes pretty much in the same ways, too. Basically, my brother is walking on my past path. When he vented, he told me so and so and asked if I could understood him. I felt sorry and powerless in giving him more comfort because I have never been well out of her negativity and complaints. Her negativity is like a big magnet keeping us closely attached. The gravity is so great that nomatter how hard we attempt to pull away, it will drag us back to the very beginning and cause our endeavors in vain.

I know I can't give up trying. The gene will be carried down to next generation, if I don't make any changes. Things work better for me because I seek helps from self-helped book once in a while to pull myself out of negativity. I think, the thinking pattern is changable. Hard, though!! But definitely changable!

One theory I learned from those books says that: "Language is powerful, if one hopes for something good to happen, positive language will lead one to it." I believe what it says!!

I tried a few times and they all worked out well. Positive language has power to bring one's mind in activating one's action. It really can make something nice you wish for comes true.

Even though, I keep the faith in believing the possibility of changing thinking patterns and knowing what positive language might lead my life to be. I, sometimes, still hold doubts on those who are being overly positive in every aspect of their lives. I would, at that moment, ask myself: "Am I too negative and judgmental or are they thinking too highly of themselves?"

That's really confused and contracditory!! I long to change into someone brighter, but when I hear one talks too well of him/herself. I would secretly wonder: " You!! / Are you sure?"

Take my hubby's family for example. They were born to be optimistic (because my mom-in-law is very good at sweet talks) and very content to the surroundings and encounters they have and meet. They are very grateful to the family they were born in. The spouses they own, the kids they're raising!!

I am sure, I was attracted to this trait of my hubby. I vaguely remember how I was amazed to his brightness.

Whenever he mentions his family; he would say, "My mom's cooking is incomparable. My bro-in-law is smart and tentative. My elder sister is good at hosting.....blah blah blah." (Later, I found out that there are always certain degrees of incongruity.)

I always feel a bit uncomfortable about it !! His sises, my in-laws are the same as well. Everytime we meets, I will have to listen to their highly compliment about their husbands or kids.
"Don't you think my hubby is wonderful? Everyone says he is smart, a really good husband and a father. I am really lucky to have him. Isn't he handsome or what!"

What wrong with me? I know I suppose to appreciate the good aura they create, to fill me good words in the ears. Is it healthy to be like this? Isn't it a bit annoying to hear nothing but good words, nice words and praises? Or am I too deeply abused by foul language?

I guess that was how I was fooled into the love trap my hubby set. Because he says nice things about me too! He likes to say how attractive I am. ( I feel so bloated and ugly of myself though) How sexy I am. ( That's something I never thought me to be) He likes my voice, too!! ( only this is something that I later found out some men were attracted to my voice. Weird!! I do think my voice has some power to attract audience in listening to me.)

Well....I had never been treated like that before I met my hubby. No one ever told me how well I did. They only told me what I should have done more! My mom only said how wrong I was for not doing this and that. So, before, if I heard someone praised me for what I achieved or how I was, I told myself they were just being polite in saying so. I didn't take compliments seriously ori would get suspicious of their intention in saying so.

Oh! ~~It is so painstaking.
Keep the faith!!

Who Cares?

2009-03-22T01:46:00.002+08:00

Birds are chirping.
I am talking.
Who's listening?

I'm getting older for babies, but I still in the middle of self searching.

2009-02-28T00:30:00.008+08:00

Can't ease my throbbing nerves after watching my favorite program today. It is one which discusses about all sorts of current issues relates to life matters. Today, they were talking about "Having babies.

I am recently brooding over this question too and their discussion has lighten a clearer picture out of my mind.

Anyhow, the major reason that induced the whole show today was because one of the guests is healthily pregnant with twins at her age of 45. She is a best-seller writer in Taiwan and hosts for several TV programs. Her pregnancy was quite a shocking news to those of her readers and audiences because for a really long time, those who know her would have thought she was a not-having-babies-ever kind of woman. However, her planned pregnancy makes everyone jaw-dropped and wonder WHY? WHY? What changed her mind?

Along with her, there were 2 other female guests on the show, one senior feministic author, the other a resident doctor in Psychology. These 3 women are highly-educated, mature, successful, sensible, at high social status and perfectly understand what they want in lives and try hard on getting them. They represent the great female power from different eras. Even though, they have been successfully devoting their female powers to prove women a marvelous gender, they still can't get away from the question over their primitive physical function, "When to have a baby to prove that you are a real woman?"

That's it !! The scariest question ever! The most dreadful question to those who can't get enough time for their career and their freedom. This question will follow them tightly once they walked down the aisle. No one will ever let go off this question until she gets pregnant to prove others that her physical function is fine and perfect as it was designed for.

Thus, their discussion and peculiar, singular ideas toward "Women and their procreation!" and " Is life reproduction a fulfillment for women" have comforted my worries! As women, they were once at the cross roads like I am now. However, they have all come a long way here to what they are now and they are satisfied with their decisions and choices. Of course, one of them is pregnant now at high age for pregnancy, and the doctor still gets some chances before the biological clock stops. Only the senior one who is happy with her life now, somehow, recalled her colorful youth, still wondering; would she have ever grasped the opportunity if, then, she had had the chance with a right man besides her?

The show had come to conclusions that--1, to get pregnant at older age isn't impossible, but the pre-preparation is important. 2, women's versatility shouldn't be neglected, one's life still lies in one's hand. 3, having a baby or not is a very important question in women's lives, how to keep a good balance between career, freedom, and having a baby will always be a catch-22. Because our bodies are attached with biological clocks.

Oh! so what changed that writer's mind to make her want to take the risk at such a high age?
She said; she had always been a planner for her career and life decision. She wasn't so fond of kids before because of her family issues and she thought that life was too short and unpredictable. Her husband was the same. Both of them were the risk takers and enjoyed the lives as much as they could. After experiencing so much; such as the extreme excursions to north and south poles. She found nothing in her life could have been more completed. That was how she was hit with a lightening thought and thereafter stepped on her journey to the motherhood.

My case is pretty much the same! I haven't gotten enough of my freedom and free will over my life. I had a really hard childhood and embarrasing teenage period, rough love life in college, a lonely single for 8 years and never felt rich enough with extra cash. But now, I finally feel wonderful and happy in life. I have a respectable job, not well-paid enough but room for improvement. I am satisfied with my marriage life, feel secure and stable, enjoying the life for two and happily being a workday single when I have to live 100 miles aways from my hubby 3 days a week. How delightful it is!!
But time is chasing after me and people are being pushy and over-concern over my marriage life.

I can't explain my state of mind because they won't understand much of why a married woman needs to think much on having babies or not? That is true! I can't say out loud that I need more personal space for my free will and I don't want to lose my freedom just now. Why can't I be a married woman for a few years before I am more certain of it?
So, why do I do to face other's concern? I pretend, I blend into the conversation. I try to feel interested in the topics. I don't hate kids, I just need more time to reach a level where I feel a safer environment for raising kids.
Perhaps I am wrong, there isn't a perfect condition for baby raising. I can't refuse to listen to my body ticking away my youth. I do know all the consequences and circumstances. I just hate to be pushed the question around.

I just celebrated my first anniversary. But one year has made people think I am barren already!
People are giving suggestions on what to eat, what doctor to go to or how to do the research and get prepared. No one ever asked me, "Are you ready?" " Is your hubby ready?"

I mean, even I am with some physcial conditions, I don't think it isn't something that let there be light and there will be. I don't want to be rush about this.

So, let me keep my fingers crossed, hope everything will happen the way I want. I am sane enough now to face family and friend's concern nicely because I don't know when I will lose sanity and throw everyone a big temper.

God blesses!!

Hate it ~

2009-01-07T01:52:00.004+08:00

When you happen to be someone opinionated, it's likely that you attract another to be the same. That's how attraction works sometimes! One's stubborn has another to top it even more! If any discrepancy show up, thing will turn ugly because no one yields!
Each side persists in its own logic and conception and elaborates them though its aspect.
No relation can be harmonious like this~Someone has to compromise, someone has to give in~~
So.....if you take a step back, you have to put up with the resentment for being gagged, the inward struggle has no way out!
Therefore, you monologize every step back to fight for your status in your heart, but you are HUSHED!
Hate it~~

Happy 2009~~

2009-01-01T01:52:00.002+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009

Seraphine

2008-12-31T18:42:00.002+08:00

Fate is tricky with surprises waiting for us at the most unexpected turns. Sometime, the best art pieces were borned in the roughest time of one's life. Solitary celibacy is never satisfying, though it might inspire one's mind the most! We all more or less need to feel LOVE in us somewhere, somehow, at sometimes.

This is how I felt after seeing this movie! It reminded me of my own lonliness in the past years.
For some years in my twenties, I was always so lonely and empty in heart! I was busy with my work, my study, my social life. But, that never filled the bottomless depth in my heart, the unfathomable abyss. However, that was also the most productive time of my life for poems.
I wrote them when I was so lonely and desperate, the words struck me out of nowhere when I was at sleeps, in dreams, and when talking to others. Weird~~~no insipiration now that my heart is no longer suspended.

Seraphine was named the naive style painter in France, she claimed to be summoned by an angel's voice to paint!! The colors of her paintings stun us with amazement. I think, those are the colors of passion and love!! The eager longing for attention and care~~~
(For the angel part, I hold my doubt)

Her paintins make me think of the Fireworks!! I can't tell much of the patterns or items she drew, whether they are the feathers, eyes, apples, peaches, oranges???? dunno....

Items in her paintings are repetitive, the colors are vivid and strong! I am not professional in art, but they show strong affection and when you look at them, you will be iced by the frozen enternity~~~time ceases itself around them. I like them!

I don't think that people need to be trained to know how to appreciate the art works. All we have to do is to use our eyes and hearts to feel~~~

I am a lazy person who love to rent DVDs and enjoy them at home. For this one piece, I was at the theater with other audience. It was because I was invited to a movie seminar to give a short speech. The owner of it is an art movie activist who is dedicate in promoting art movies to college students and that is why he often invites teachers from different departments to guide the audience for a better understaind to the movies, since hollywood commercial films are still the main stream. He thought more should have a chance to see something else.

I was honored to be there and didn't think I would have the opportunity to share my afterthought of a movie with a bunch of movie-lovers.

It felt great and hope I will be there soon again.

Taiwan is a Country. China has no part in it.

2008-11-04T19:45:00.007+08:00

I'd like to give a shout out to those who don't know much about Taiwan as well as to those who have already known Taiwan for long. Please understand the FACT that Taiwan has been an independent country for many decades. We have our own elected presidents, but for the present one whom many of us feel very much ashamed of, for he has been conducting deeds which jeopardize the democracy our predecessor and former democrat had consumed thier lives building. The dignity of Taiwan has been degrading because he is pro-Beijing.

People in Taiwan are on the verge of losing the freedom of speech and the freedom of assembly. We are not allowed to protest and express our thinking in action. We are not allowed to display our national flags in public because for some unknown reasons, it suddenly becomes too sensitive to put them up or to hold them in hands since the chairman of ARATS (a rat, indeed! ) from China is now visiting Taiwan. The police force that has been arranged to protect the visitors from China and the regulations the govenment set to confine the movement of Taiwan people have made Taiwan, once again, a place in military curfew.

Today, a music shop was broadcasting one song that had the word "Taiwan" in the lyrics, then soon after, the shop was ordered by the police to stop broadcasting.
What kind of country are we living in? If we can't even tell others who we are?

How ironic is it that the national flag of Taiwan was the party flag of KMT party, the ruling party now. Before we were released from the military curfew, for many years, KMT party had been brainwashing people in Taiwan on how evil and cunning China was. They taught children to call China, "Gong-Fei", the bandit. They gave people a false image of being able to fight against China and conquered them one day.

This circumstance was altered until our first elected president, Lee Deng-hui had put an end to the military curfew and set an fence between China and Taiwan claiming our relation to be Country-to-Country relationship.

Later, when DPP (Democratic Progressive Party) arose and we had our second elected president, Chen Shui-bian. He and his officials had worked hard on rebuilding the sovereignty of Taiwan. They strongly asserted that Taiwan is a country.

It is so true. We are! We are proud to be one and we refuse to be part of China because we never are.

It is China's wishful thinking that Taiwan is one of their provinces. They wish!!! Fat Chance~~~

What is more mortifying, irritating and infuriating is that the president who won 7 miliions votes to get his throne told his ruling people, we, that it is fine for that chairman from China not calling him "President."

Who has he become? If he weren't the president? And what have we become?
Shame on him !!!

I am so glad I wasn't blind to vote for him. I feel sorry for those 7-million voters who believed his lies and thought he would bring us to proseprity in finance and solve the unemplyment problem, but I also resent those blind people for their choice has dragged us down to this condition. What is off their anticiaption is that thing turned out that all he ever plotted and wanted was to reunite with China. That is his really, truly conspiracy.

Today, the Chairman from ARATS and our representative signed a contract which was secretly consented by the two without people knowing any details of it.

What is going on? Those Gong-fei will be here for a few more days. I hope no blood will be seen during the protest.

Taiwan people just want the voice to be heard~~~~~Taiwan is a country.

It Becomes Harder to Survive in the System

2008-10-16T20:53:00.003+08:00

I had already known the changes the school were making before coming back to school. What I didn't realize was its persistence to put it through.

A TA stopped by my classroom today telling me that she was the TA of my class and was responsible for helping my students to conquer their deterrence in study. I was a bit surprised to know this "after-class consultation". Apparently, it is the new policy !! Later on, I was overtaken by my doubts over the real benefits it might have brought to the students.

My first doubt was to the ability the TA had. She told me she needed to help students from 2 different course. Mine is "The introduction to Literature" another was "the Western Culture History." She is a graduate program student. I am sure, she is busy enough for her own study and she needs to help other student to solve theirs. HOW????
Will she has that much time to prepare for the studies that aren't her specialties?

Second,Universities are supposed to be the places where students learn how to be independent. It is their prime time to enjoy the youth, try out the new things and learn how to solve the problems on their own. And.......the after-class consultation? What the hell????

They are not the primary school students who need extra helps after school for their homeworks. They are grwon-ups that need to and should be seeking the answers themselves in the libraries or ask me, their teacher, for what they don't understand or can't think through.

Isn't self-study importnat for college students? Supplementary study may be school's good intention to reduce the workload of the teacher's, but at the same time, isn't it kind of insulting the teachers on the face implying that they might ignore their students needs? Implying that they aren't working hard enough to teach their students.

Students in Taiwan are unbelievable passive when it comes to Studying, and now, the university from mine are making new policies to curb the learning abilities of students'.
Students can never develop their interests in studying and be spontaneous in it as well if they were forced to take the supplement which, at some points, questions their abilities.

It.......secretly...... gives out the hint that "You all should be good students, but I don't think you can make it on your own because you are weak not strong. If you couldn't be good students, it would bring the shames to your school."

Alas~~~~~mmmmmmm..............................(speechless)

Oh...BTW.......the TA needs to keep a record on how many students of mine going to her for helps. And......I have these paper slips that I need to give out to those who have the lower performance in my class. ............................................................(Silent)

Unless U r Strong in Mind, Don't get married

2008-10-11T14:22:00.006+08:00

One day, one day soon, I'll study what I want, and then I want to write a book about Taiwanese women. How they've changed over times, how their self-consciousness has been arosed and reformed and how they've also kept the traditional durability temperament that has been passed on from generation to genration in Taiwan history.

Whenever the married women get together, their main concerns will be revolved around their families. At certain points; I would say, it is a bit upsetting~~~
They don't talk about what they are gonna do with their dreams, their jobs or maybe how they want to chance their present lives to better ones. They don't !!!!! Very disappointing~~~
Or perhaps, programs or activities they are interested in taking their kids to participate.
No...they don't.

If children are not what they mention, it will be the mother-in-law they complain. No one seems to be able to solve the problem. It is like some expert from TV has put it; When it is about the issue relates to families, no resolution is good enough or can perfectly apply.

I can't agree more with what the expert says. She is totally right~ Taiwanese women carrry great responsiblities on their backs, trying to play every role well. A good daughter, a good gf, a good wife, a good mom. But they seldom reveal how they want to work further to the dreams they desire. Why???? Why not?

A friend of mine, for who I have thought to be able to read my mind, told me the other day, how it was impossible for me to be a mom and pursuit my study at the same time. She told me that was how things were. No woman could be what she wanted when she became a mom.
I was quite shocked to hear this~~~Why can't I have the kids and have my study at my both hands?????

I hate to hear this and I refuse to let it happen.
I believe only by progessing further and higher, doing what interest me can have my spiritual self satisfied without confusion and void. Because, if I am to live up to 80 years old, then I won't be bored from life so soon after I finish my duties to my elders, hubby and children. Those who have gotten married early and have babies at early ages will be grandparents earlier, and then, what else............being grand grand-parents and grand grand grand parents???

Love thyself, woman~~~I will try my best to do it.

Getting Used to the Life with 2 Dwellings

2008-09-27T20:12:00.004+08:00

Taking buses becomes a routine now, this boring and repeating activity takes me 1.5 hours every 2 days sitting dully on the seat doing nothing. Well...nothing productive can be done anyway. I usually take the bus in the evening and no light is allowed when the bus is on the highway, so even if I wanted to read something on the bus, it didn't seem ideal.....

I have 9 teaching hours a week this semester. 3 hrs on Mondays, 4 on Thursdays and 2 on Fridays. At first, I was offered the courses on Monday and Thursday. So.....I thought I could fill in Tuesday and Wednesday by taking other part time jobs. Working from Monday to Thursday and go home on Thursday evening to spend a long weekend with my hubby, being a weekday single and a weekend wife.

But, I was offered another course for Fridays and it changed my plans.
Now, I go home on Monday afternoon after I finish 3 hours teaching in the morning and come back to Taichung on Wednesday evening for Thursday and Friday class and then go home again on Friday evening until Sunday evening and so the circulation goes on~~~~~~

Tiring~~Tiring drudgery~~Traveling back and forth between Taoyuan and Taichung. Spending ineffective hours on the bus, spacing out of the window or watching the lame films the bus provides. But.........it's just.......too difficult to solve this catch 22.

Can't have the cake and eat it, too~~~~I suppose.....
I thought about fill in the gap between hours in school and thought that I could have made a decent living out of it. It would be a piece of cake for me to arrange a light schedule for a decent amount of money, but then I would have to work from Monday to Friday in Taichung living a separate life with my hubby. He has to work from Mon. to Sat. especially Saturdays, he works from 9 in the morning to 9 in the evening, he only takes Sundays off and I have to be in Taichung on Sunday evenings, which implies that if I worked from Monday to Friday in Taichung, my time alone with my hubby would be less than a day~~~What can I do, right?

We are, afterall, the newly-wed......We need to see each other more often to bond the marriage and in order to acheive it, someone needs to sacrifice. I thought things should be simplified and so, I took the role to be a commuter.

Keeping 2 dwellings is not totally bad~~~ There are some merits to be a part-time single away from marriage; such as, having my social life back. All friends that I am close to are in Taichung.
Although, I only stay in Taichung 3 nights a week, many dates can still be arranged~~that's not a problem. Meeting old friends, arranging my favorite day field trips to department stores. Taichung has the best department stores and restaurants~~~~Hehehehehe....
Slow life pace is the rhythm in Taichung~~~~fair weather, fair tea stalls, coffee shops, well-dressed people walking on the streets. ~~~Nice~~~

At the first week alone in Taichung, I couldn't sleep. I haven't slept alone for quite a while~~I don't miss much of my single nights alone, though I do miss the freedom I had~~~~but definitely not the nights I spent with only ME~~~ At least I thought I didn't miss it~~~after the first week and it went into the second, I started getting used to the feeling of getting along with ME in the room. It felt great~~ I didn't miss my hubby, on the contrary, I was expecting the date I had with my friends the next day. Mmmmmm.........................interesting........

Owning 2 dwellings and changing roles from a single woman to a married one from time to time perhaps will do good to someone like me who always whines about the present condition with dissatisfaction...... Only by rotating roles constantly can I be able to keep a balance that feeds my needs for changing.

What happened to our young????

2008-09-24T13:54:00.009+08:00

The second week in the university has been good so far. I guess, it is because the students I have now, aren't as difficult as the clients I had outside school. For this, I am not saying that students in the university have bettter understanding in English than the adult students I had before and can lessen my working load. On the contrary, they aren't any better. In fact, they are poorer in English.
What I mean " difficult" is that those I had before asked more from the teacher and demanded to know more about the correct usages, which might have challenged my own ability if I weren't good enough!!
But, here in the university, students aren't eager to improve their English, they are content with what they are capable of and the scariest thing is that, they aren't good enough as they might have thought they were~~
The reason I suppose is, unlike those adult students who spent their own hard-working money to pay for the course they took; the college students are still under the financial supports from their parents. They take the support for granted and might overestimate their abilities.

That's why I said: "they aren't as difficult!" It takes me a lot of time to prepare for the "Introduction to Literature" , but for the "Intermediate English Conversation," I am quite disappointed with their performances. As English-majors in their third year, they couldn't even use " passed the test", " go to an interview" or "get a haircut."

What happened to our kids?
I should have felt happy for not needing to put more effort in them. They are easy as a pie. But I am not happy about this, I expect more from them~~What can I do, really?

2008-09-24T13:54:00.001+08:00

Big Change

2008-08-29T01:17:00.004+08:00

There is an saying goes: "You'll never know what comes next !" I think, it is so true. One moment, I was planing on having a baby; the next moment, the plan was abruptly suspended!

It is all because I am moving back to where I was a year ago. But, this time, I am moving back alone without my husband.

Thing started when I received a voice mail from the English department. They had called to ask if I was still keen to take a position in school. (Of course, I was ~~)

In fact, back in June, I tried to apply for a part-time position in my alma mater. But both the English department and the English language center had told me they weren't short of teachers. More, they told me I was a bit too late since they started recruiting teachers some time earlier and had filled in all positions.

I wasn't so dissappointed with it because I am not an aggressive person when it comes to job-hunting. I am too lazy to send out resume and go around for interviews. Besides, most of the time, the jobs I sought by myself didn't came out with results. So, basically, I was always hunted by the jobs that needed me. That's why I've been making living by teaching English for so long. I don't complain much of what I work for living, even though I don't think I deserve to be like this either !!!

However, just like what I just said: You will never know what comes next. Since 2 weeks ago, I was so lucky that I had been offered by different people for different jobs. One wanted me to consider tutoring her kids. The other asked me to contact her friend in publishing house for a translating position. At the same time, I got more hours from the language center I worked, which had tired my throat out and had caused some damage to it.

I didn't give it a much thought when my school asked if I could help out in such a late notice. I said, " I am eager to be back in Taichung and I am highly interested in teaching some thing more professional." I even told them I was planing on getting a further degree and definitely, university provided a more resourceful environment for studying and the part-time teaching job would be a great plus on my resume. That's it~~~I am going back to Providence University to be an instructor.

This opportunity has definitely push me forward to the goal I set for my life. I always wanted to work in universities. But then, my hubby and I will have to live apart. We have only been married for 7 months, and we're living apart soon. That doesn't sound too good for newly-weds, furthermore, we were even hoping to have a baby.

I don't know how thing is going to turn out. I have an extensive experience in teaching, but to lieteature intruction, it will be my first. Just wait and see~~I guess.

I've already consulted my classmates and friends in school about the regulations they have for part-time instructors. They've shared their thinking and opinions.

Taking this part-time position is hardly going to cover my expense. The payment for part-timer is meanly scarce ~~~ I'll have to look for more jobs.

God blesses me !!!! May I have a better future with enough money to live on~~~~~

What happened to our kids?

2008-08-20T16:53:00.005+08:00

Nothing upset me more than teaching a bunch of dull heads. They sit there staring at you with their eyes filled with emptiness. They don't response to your questions? Even though, the questions are so simple. I always wonder...Is it that the questions being too simple which makes them idiotic to answer me or is it because they can't understand the explanation I put in class?

Well.....I am not the only one who gets the feeling like this. Receptionists in our language center confirms my feeling over those youngster we have this year in school.

Are our genes degenerating???? Because Taiwan is producing students who are dull, nerdy and empty-headed. They have no reaction over their schoolwork or daily life and of course they don't have the common senses that many adults take for granted. They are like the living dead. All they react to is the fashion trend. They know well of every brand that sells, every popular icon or idol, every hit in high-tech industry. But they don't seem to know what's going on in the world they live. Which I mean, the skills they need to require to be humans, such as: the proper interpersonal interation with others!!!!

There were times, when my students tried to converse with me by an opening sentence like----
" Don't you think The Mummy 3 was a fantastic movie?" or "I used to live near a chiropractor."

Well.....hello.......? Where were we? What had lead our conversation here? This sort of situation happened in the middle of class when I asked them if they had questions over the Eng. grammar I just mentioned. And there they were, popped out a sentence that was totally irrelevant~~~

My assumption for this is: They might just want to show their fondness for my class to me by saying something to express that they like the ways I teach in class.
This is how I've conviced myself to believe. Or else, I don't know how to explain the circumstances I ran into?

This morning, I had one little girl in my class. She was probably 9 or 10 years old.
When I asked students to think of all the adjectives they'd learned before. This little girl was the most active one in class who links one after another.

From her, I realize, the skill that my other students lack is the "imagination", the ability to associate one thing with another. Normally, if one mentioned the word "fat", the word "thin" should appear in the other's head." That's the normal relation that one should have come up!

But the students we have this year don't have this ability. They don't~~~ It takes them a long long time to squeeze a word.

It is rather strange that from the education system we have here in Taiwan, they should have received at least 6-8 years English courses in school and still, they aren't able to spit an adjective.

Isn't it infuriating?????

To speak from the other way around, there are, in fact, students that are brilliant, smart and talented.

They show their intelligence in early ages and surprise older people like me. They learn quick, think quick, reponse quick over everything. They never seem to absorb enough and they ask a lot of questions.

Our youngsters are growing to extreme ends~~ That's terrifying!!
This worries us olders people because it becomes a tougher challenge to help your kids fit into the society we are heading toward in the future, doesn't it?

Contradictory Emotional Struggles of Being Taiwanese Women

2008-07-22T23:20:00.004+08:00

Last Sunday, two cousins from my mom's side visited us in Yun-lin, where my parents-in-law live. (I am always close to my cousins from mom's side. )
They wanted to take the kids to have some fun at the beach! Actually, their main purpose was the clams on the beach. But, to dig up the wild clams takes patience to wait for the ebb.

While we were waiting for the tide to ebb, the men were making Chinese tea and chatting casually. We, women, on the other hand, sat aside in the corner talking busily about our marriages.

Eversince, I became a married woman, I was included into a differnt zone of social circle. Before, none of the married cousins had ever mentioned any sex-related subjects to me.

Sex is an interesting topic among friends, but not among coworkers, a forbidden one in the family. However, the sex taboo exists only in certain families, not all though . In my hubby's, they enjoy teasing each other for their sex lives.

Anway, they were showing their concerns on our plans for the babies and they were also telling me how I should care for my hubby's well-being. The responsibilities that a wife should take!
Buying deodorant socks for him to avoid the embarrasement in social events. Think carefully of your baby plan because once you get the kids you plan for, contraception will be your job to stick to.

WHAT the h-e-l-l ???
I love my hubby and love to help decide what's best for him to wear. But, to take what he should wear as my responsibility? Isn't this too much? I would be happy to give him my suggestion, but to do or not is his call to make. Isn't it so?

And~~~~~~Why am I the one to watch out for the accidental pregnancy? If we want to stop having more babies, why can't it be my hubby's responsiblity to get the vasectomy? (of course, it is way too early to think about it, since we are childless.)

My cousin and cousin-in-law were sharing their experience on "abortion" with me, saying how dreadful it was to feel the pain and the after-effect it caused to their bodies. How they have felt the invisible black holes in them that suck out their enegergy from them. I was so shocked because I didn't know getting "A-s" was so common among married women. They are still sexual active after getting the # of kids they wanted, but being fertile becomes great worriment for them when they are in beds with their men.

What they'd shared with me saying that " We, women were caretaker for the family even the protectors of our own." Where are men in this situation? Are they exist in the marriages????

Liberal and liberative as Taiwanese women are, there are limitations they confine themselve to.
Men are half in the marriages, too. Right? Leave them half the responsibility of everything in the household, shall we? Let them not just, being pleased with whatever they're pleased with!!!
Be responsible, married men !!! Women bring home the bacon as much as you do, too.~~

Many of us, Taiwanese Women, desire to be better by receiving higher education, work harder for tasteful, even desirable lives. The colorful single lives of 4 characters in Sex and the City; Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are perfect models to look up to.

How to live to the fullest at the present is the course Taiwanese women are interested in learning. Single or not, they're eager to attend various workshops, seminars, speeches and career-driven training ect. Such as: learning a second language.

Look around, you will see more females than males in Taiwan trying to make the better selves out of them.

My cousin and cousin-in-law as well, are taking higher education to nourish themselves for the possible chances that may improve their lives. They care about their appearances, preventing the ugliness that will age their looks quicker. Paying great attentions on their families and kids, hoping their kids will, one day, be more outstanding than what they've worked hard to maintain.

Even though females are devoting in forming new images for themselves; their behaviors change automatically after getting married. I don't know if those changes just jump up on them unconsciously or are them forced to transform by any external factors?

Or are we, women, the natural-born control freaks? We, are to be blamed for the consequences??

Why do we need to work so hard to be better women while men thought they were perect enough for the situations?

Keep on like this, playing a traditional Taiwanese woman will kill me one day~~~

Energy-saving Life

2008-07-14T21:23:00.006+08:00

The routine we have every day is to watch political talk shows. There are many though, we only favor one. It becomes indispensable because there is no outlet to express the anger toward the tough life we have here in Taiwan. Only by watching the political discussion can we find the comforts being taken care of. Although, it is understandable that the inflation problem is invading all over the globe. We feel very much powerless over the weak government we have right now.

The media who is on the ruling party's side is using its every chance to help cover the flaw. They try to justify the unreasonable policies of the government, brainwash the audience to let them think it is inevitable that all prices should be elevated. Even more, they are promoting all energy-saving methods to teach you to be prepared for the worst to come.

I have to say, to save energy and make every energetic resource more efficient is the duty of every citizen on earth. We should love our this globe and try hard to last its longevity, since we are co-existing in symbiosis.

More and more people start living in energy-efficient ways. Buying the food in the supermakets before they close because, usually, the prices will go down to 50% to sell out the slow-selling goods. Group-shoppings online is so popular 'cause people can get good discounts. Restaurants are sitting there with empty seats since people try not to spend extra expense on unnecessary occasions. Office workers take turns to prepare lunch for others because,buying food materials in larger quantity saves more money.

Toilet papers are being stored every time they are on sales, it becomes every housewife's duty to watch carefully of their toilet-paper storage at homes. Housework experts are teaching housewives how to use the best of every piece of paper, toilet paper, napkin and tissue. For instance, cut the size of facial tissue in half. So, one box becomes two.

Water is one important item in resource management as well, people keep the waste water from shower because they can use the waste water to flush the toilets or to mop the floor. Using the water that rinse the rice to water the flowers or to do the dishes. The water that rinse the rice can be used to wash out the greasy from the dishes, the ancient method before the dish detergent was invented.

Energy-efficient lightbulbs are highly recommended to be replaced at homes, however, some reports show the efficiency is quite limited but still families are using them in the hope to fight against the sky-high power rate. One pratical way is to keep everyone in the same room at one time.

There are fashion designers publish books to teach people how to amend the old clothes in closet into trendy styles. Make your own accessories, compose the new makeups that you kept in the corner of the drawer.

I totally agree with the methods listed above, I am attracted to learn all those energy-saving methods. I think, it is better that those methods are put into practice in our lives. We should all be eco-friendly!

But, my point is that people here in Taiwan are living in desperation. It may be helpful to live our lives more energy-efficient, still the income is devaluated into an unrecoverable state.

Our president gave his smart-ass opinion when a farmer complained to him about the frequent theft that took away his living tools saying, " why not install the theft-proof lamppost?"
He is also remodeling himself into the images of our late president, one that once was renowned of his austerity and frugality. He imitates every move of this late one, wearing the old watch, reparing the shoes that had been worn out times before it couldn't be restored anymore. Taking the high-speed rails to attend his inauguration, saying that the Air force 1 shouldn't have been taken because the fuel for the plane would have costed greater than the rail, he made believe that the money was saved, while the national security crew were guarding every stop the high-speed rail passed and the cost was greater than what it appeared on media.

Out of the pressure of the criticism, he was forced to take his first flight a few days ago after the inauguration. This time, he did take the plane, but he took the plane that was assigned to carry the vice-president. Again, he jeopardised his safety as a president to act like a president who tried hard to save the tax money that people paid.

He was going to southern Taiwan for a meeting and taking other 19 officials with him in a 20-seat plane that might have saved the 60 grand NT for the tax-payers but costed even more because there were more than 20 officials who were required to attend the meeting with him down south. So, the other officials took the high-speed rails down south that the ticket fare for the round trip was 4000 NT. Of course, the expense would be reimbursed.

I didn't know the reason for those who voted him, but I know, I have never liked this one.
Long before he is a president. A great actor he is, but fools no one like me.
Being good-looking is not his fault, but being a father of an American is definately his fault that he should amend but he dares not to. His daughter was using her American passport when she was back for her father's inauguration. His two daughters are not living in Taiwan to experience the difficult lives that his father is ruling. They are living in America as American.

Ironically, our former president's daughter-in-law was forced to return to give the birth because many Blue-party politicians accused this former president's daughter-in-law for her treason.

Taiwan is no longer the Formosa, the paradise that once broke the record of foreign exchange reserves in Asia.

The president in Korea was inaugurated a few months earlier than ours. He policies that helped fight the inflation were teased by many experts because those policies seemed so absurd at first.

He restrained the prices of some grocery items. For examples, eggs, tops, kimtche etc.
At first, I thought that was ridiculous, thinking how could this work? What would it benefit the people whose money was thin to spend. Although, people in Korea are disatisfied with their president and have already held several protests requesting for a better solution.

I think, at least, people can buy the daily life neccessity in lower prices and are able to keep their lives going. Their president is braver than ours and has gut.

Ours steps back from the front line and tells his people that " what a president should be is staying behind the prime minister to make decisions, that is the image of how a president should be. If he has to stand in front to answer the questions all the time, then what is the function of his cabinet for anyway? "

So, this is what he did. He attended an occasion the other day feeding a cow and naming him.~~~
This was what a president should do, I suppose. Neglecting the desperate needs of his people, instead playing with a cow to show that he is a kind-hearted president that loves the animals.

If we can't be satisfied, where will your future be, president ??
Yap, right! You will be joining your daughters in America, being the direct family of American citizens.

Ever thine, ever mine, ever OURS~

2008-06-23T15:27:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was a burning hot day ! I passed my chance to go to the mountain with my hubby because I had suffered much from the sizziling sun the day before. It was fun to have a one-day trip with my hubby and his friends, but it was too tiring.

So, yesterday, while my hubby enjoyed his family time, I grasped my chance at the theater with my favorite, "Sex and the City." It was better to go alone anyway~~I needed my private time to appreciate the shrine of all women.

This HBO series had accompanied me to pass the lowest emotional tumblings when I was in college. I am sure, many women have shared the same experiences like me.~~~

I couldn't remember how many times I had shed my tears with Carrie over Big's indecisive commitphobia.

There is more than just the discussions over sex or the love relationships between the characters. "Sex and the City" conveys women in ways they long to be understood!!!

We love to be understood emotionally, we have our particular expression over issues and lives.

We have our reasons for everything we want to do or people we love.

We are all princesses in our dreamlands and thiking our living-happily-ever-after lives with our Mr. Rights.

But lives are not pretty, we may be searching without that meant-to-be, or we may find out marraige isn't the answer to love. But "LOVE" is something we won't stop hoping for~

Nomatter how our "LOVE" have their ways out of our lives. The most important thing we should always bear in mind is, " the past LOVE is still as strong as the time we once owned it. No need to deny the ever existing love."

I enjoyed how the movie had presented those fancy outfit that blinded my eyes with dazzles.

Still, I loved how Carrie and Big ended at the end of the movie.

Got married in PLAIN ORDINARY~~~~

Life is a Bitch, then You Die

2008-06-18T17:00:00.006+08:00

Life in Taiwan has become so pressing and stressful that agitates everyone so much lately. Of course, it is due to the shortage of the oil supply, that's why the prices of all goods are flying so high up. It is sure to know that the depression and inflation are not only the problems in Taiwan but all over the world.

But, here in Taiwan, we have 14 news channels to broadcast the news 24-7. It might be a surprise for outsiders to think it amazing that, how little Taiwan is as an island and can have so many news to be broadcasted 24-7. Well, we don't~

That's the dreadest part of it. There aren't so many news out there ever day while we have too many news channels which are desperate to spread the news. So, the thing is, they share news with each other. Each news will be broadcasted for about 3 days, sometimes a week. Or even, they will use the old news years or months ago, if you pay close attention to it.

Well.............It isn't news anymore, if it took 3-4 days to be known.

So, when there is a price going up, all news channels take turns to spread the news and causes the false image that the same item has been raised the price many times in a short period of time. It makes people feel that they are living in an abyss where no hope is ever able to be seen.

How can we catch up with the prices while our salary staying where it was a decade ago.

The enterprises in Taiwan never stop whining about how little money they make each year and still, their employees can get big annual bonus every year, especially to those government-runned organizations.

The primal factor to cause the inflation is the OIL price and the problem has been rotting for too long that it had deluded people to believe choosing the different party to run the country would have made the differences. Which was so wrong that ever since our new president was selected in March and was inaugurated in late May, the situation has gone to the very bottom and deeper.

The supporters of his might say, "it has only been a month of him being a president so far, we should wait longer too see his words proven." Well.....that wasn't what he had promised when he was running the campaign. If they can't they understand taht hungry people are impatient for the insufficiency, I am sure, the riot might arise anytime soon.

There is more, the 7 millions who were deluded had chosen a president whose cabinet members are having the permanent residency permit in either States or Canada. Even the president was once being questioned about his green card identity.

We are now, practically, ruled by a group of people who are either Canadian or American !!
How does that sound? They even dareto claim their patriotisms are unquestionable.~~~

If something goes wrong between China and Taiwan, we would be left without the head. Because they would be asking for political protection from Canada and States.

How happy are we to be here??? An enviroment with all doubts and questions and anxiety for the unstable life. ~~~~

May God be the witness and may we be able to have better lives SOON, ASAP~~~Because 4 years is too long to tolerate an incapable leading team !!

All Alone or Not, You Gotta Walk Ahead

2008-05-19T15:07:00.003+08:00

As long as it is a good movie, it doesn't matter when you get to see it, right?
This one particular, I would say is a tear-jerker. So Melodramatic~~~ I cired my heart out while watching it at home with my hubby napping on the couch next to me. He isn't that romantic or any sensitive about delicate moves, but he is always there for me.

But........ here comes the "BUT" scary "BUT
The movie narration was pretty leaping at the first two scenes. The irrational fight with the steamy love-making afterward was somewhat cliche. I know how common it is to couples. It just isn't a new way of putting the set. Then, Gerry suddenly died~~He died~Jaw-dropping!!

So, I started clipping my toenails. I wasn't aware of how my toe nails were done. Because, before long, I started to shed tears~~~

From the Birthday Scene......To the end. Every mail Holly got had made me cry even harder~

I would say, it would be difficult for people to understand that sort of painful loss if they hadn't ever had that ridiculous, consuming love in their lives. Whether they got dumped or lost their love ones to the death could they understand the feelings of lingering in the limbo, being a living death.

The lines in the movie that I love the best was----- All alone or nor, you gotta walk ahead. The thing is, if we're all alone, then we're all together in that, too.

Yes, indeed. It is so true, is it not??

When I was 19, I had one love that was so consuming and ridiculous~~It took me 5 years to put myself together from my wandering soul. There were friends around me who listened. There were constant talks about the feelings. Story-telling to those who got in the same situations. Time passed and the timing came, that was how the closure was made~~~

Then, when I finally snapped out of it. I realized " things change through time, love changes as well, we are what we have to depend on. Especially, when the love isn't perfectly ended, standing on our feet is how you can move on from the wounds. "

Now, I am married. I love my hubby. This love relationship with him is just relaxed and comfortable, not tiring at all, not exactly consuming but I can still feel the heat. I sometimes tease and ask him about how sad he would be without me around or, on the other way around, on how sad I would definately be if he wasn't around. We all know in our hearts that it will be devastaing to lose each other. Because our love for each other is mutual and reciprocal. Of course, one day, when one of us needs to live without the other half, at least I would know how to face it.

Well....this movie was more than just love between couples. At the end of the movie, Holly's mom handed her the last mail from Gerry and told her how Gerry had made her cooperated with his antemortem plans. While handing Holly the mail, her mother told her it was time for her to make a closure. They talked about Holly's father, whom Holly barely knew much about. Holly's mom explained why she was so furious and against Holly's marriage with Gerry. She said, she was angry with herself for being so powerless letting her child going after the same path she once had been. Falling in love with a man whose characters reminded Holly's mom of her dad. It is needless to say that sometimes parents are not always right.

competitions.independent.ie/ps,-i-love-you......

Ginger, the AUTHOR. Yap ! Tha's right !

2008-05-14T23:03:00.007+08:00

The draft cover

My books, there are totally 5 of them for the author.
The front.

The back.

Although, I haven't actively taken action on pursuing my PH.D yet. I think, the goal has moved a step forward with a new title that definately will be listed on my resume, the AUTHOR.

Ginger, Huei-Chen Yang, the author of the book, "Women's freedom of Choice in Marge Piercy's Three Women."

This out-of-blue fortune happened on an email I received one day this February while I was browsing carelessly on the internet. The one who wrote the email said she was an assistant researcher from a German publisher, she said my thesis matched their planned object and asked me if I would be interested in publishing my thesis.

I was stunned for a moment, tried to read it the second time and I cried out loud~~

The pressure was released through the cry of me and accompanied with tears and uncontrollable shiver. It was so overwhelmed and took me minutes to calm myself down~~

After calming down, I started to think it might be too good to be true. How would I be the one while there were hundreds of thousands graduate, post-graduate students out there with their thesis coming out every minute in the world, especially when many of them whose mother tongue was English and might have gottten upper hands in being chosen.

Why ME???

Would it be an international scam ?

But it didn't make much sense~Why bother spending energy on a nobody far away in Taiwan from Germany?

So, the first thing I did was calling my cousin in Germany, telling her the good news, asking if she would help me by requesting her husband to confirm the authenticity of the publisher for me.

At the same time, I replied the email saying that I was highly interested in knowing more about the detail.

The publisher said there would be no charge for publishing my thesis, but there were conditions and terms about the cut I would get in the future.

I called my professor right away after the reply and consulted her to see whether it was a good idea to let the publisher publish my book. In fact, at that time, I still needed to pass the editiorial censor. She would decide the possibility of the market potential.

I passed, and there began my way to my book-publishing.

Because it is a thriving publisher and are aggressively publishing the academic books. Their budget on the books are not that high. They provide an online system for all potentail authors to upload their information which will be made into book covers.

So, that was how it worked, I went online to key in the introduction of the book, the title, subtitle of the book even the author's short biography. I decided what I wanted to reveal.

That's interesting~~~ I even picked the color of my book, the designed photoshot.

The whole book- publishing event took nearly 3 months to accomplish.

I got my books few weeks ago. They are beautiful~~of course they are. Every part was decided by me.

I was trying to keep the news low until everything was finalized.

I still can't believe I have my own books now. Nothing changes in my life, still a nobody who wishes to have her dream come true one day. Hibernating now to store more knowledge and waiting for the chance to strike hard some day.

Believe Yourself, BRO~~~

2008-05-05T23:28:00.004+08:00

My brother has been down for quite a while. I can't recall since when he started feeling moody.
He is upset about his love life, his unsettled future and family matters.

I can totally understand how he feels because I had been there years ago. When I was younger, when my love relationship failed me and I thought I would end up alone till I die.

When he talked about how he couldn't get the job he wanted and how unlucky he was, I was there listening and tried convincing him it would go away, telling him my own stories, how I had survived through the lows. Maybe I talked too much, and I shouldn't have done that. I should have just listened and let him vented all he wanted.

But I couldn't bare to see him got stuck in the mud and suffered the pain that one day he might find it worthless.

My younger brother is my only sibling, and thus, I care for him a lots~ We supported each other through many ups and downs, those hideous mood swings that disturbed us both from our mom.

Today, he went to psychic with my mom to ask about his future. He came back without any solutions~~ But he told me, he knew he had to believe himself and do what he thought was right to do. I was happy to hear this.~~ Afterall, our fates lie in our hands.

I had once written about the Psychic (Shaman) matter in my blog. This is common in Taiwanese culture. Before going to shrinks get accepted, people went to psychics for spiritual comforts,
trying to find ways out through supernatural power. Of course, it is only the therapeutic process that matteres!!

But one thing for sure is, never take the prediction too seriously unless it is something good.
Because postive energy accelarates the good thing to happen quicker but the negative one brings you down to the dead end infinitely~~

So far, I don't know what else I can do or say to help my bro. I'll probably repeat what I've already said.

Today, after calling him, I realized he was smart enough to see the situation.
I am sure, he will put himself together soon and moves on to the next step.
Nobody holds the key to the door you wish to enter, man~~~
You have all my best wishes ~~my dear bro.

At the End, So Much of It Turns not to Matter.

2008-04-25T18:57:00.004+08:00

I am not just a book nerd who enjoys reading the mysterious, romantic and adventurous stories.
I am also a movie goer who loves to pick out those others have left untouched.
This movie "Evening" is a very very good movie that I'd like to share with whoever you are that is reading this post.

Of course, I am attracted to many of the commercial movies. But what gets me most is the one that connotes more than it shows.

"Evening" is one of those that moves me deep in heart. It express out what people might have needed to consume thier lifetime to realize. A microcosm that holds the key to the secret of life from women's pespectives~~~

The other two should be watched all together. The Hours, and Madison County

These 3 movies are all about WOMEN~~ About mothers / mothers and daughters/ passionate love that sparkles but not staying / Men and Men and Men's affection.

One similar story has been told from these 3 movies. Which is something like-----

A married woman who questions herself for her choice of marriage and unsures wheather she has been a good mom to her children or not and wonders what her life would be if she chose the star of her life. The one that ever has sparkled and leaves a burning mark on her heart that never fades away. The endings to all these 3 movies are all smiliar~~~

That....... life, one has had is whole and fulfilled. No regret is left behind because there isn't such a thing to be called mistake when it comes to one's life.

Life completes itself in a way that will always leaves something behind, even if you can't see it or be aware of it. That's what life is like and how it is. Though, you would have to have spent your life searching for it and still thought you could have had something better beyond your reach.

And.....it clicks and closes

There are times that I feel I am living my life backward.
Don't know how it occures to me.~~ Living backward. Flashback to the begginning when life is simple and pure

http://www.collider.com/entertainment/reviews/article.asp/aid/4751/tcid/1

Let's Say....佛不是佛,你也不是你....萬物皆空

2008-04-16T18:34:00.003+08:00

There is a book entitled, "其實,佛不是佛, 你也不是你" in the book market. I never read the book, nor will I ever want to. But I do like the title of the book a lot. The line attracts me as much as the words,"萬物皆空" as well~~
These two lines are apparently representing the philosophical wisdom of life. They are, indeed.

I am not a very religious-practiced person myself, although I grew up in a family whose hostess devoted herself plenty in pursuing the spiritual peacefulness from Taoism.

But I love to explore the meanings of life, enjoy understanding the philosophical theories and hate to see those theories being made into certain religious norms. Ironically, that's how and where one can obtain the knowledge.

Anyway, back to the line of my title.

I put that on my post because I am telling myself to relax and let go of the obsession in my brain.
I am leaving everything that troubles me in GOD's hand.

Cast the spell: " I am not me. The trouble is not the trouble. The trouble isn't mine, I don't have the trouble."

Cheers to the beauty of life~~~~~Huray.

Speak Up Now or Never !

2008-04-13T15:43:00.008+08:00

Every couple has arguments sometimes, My hubby and I are no exception as well.
I certainly have no problems in getting my opinions across.
I express myself loud and clear and make sure he bears it in mind.

I think I am pushy, maybe a bit bossy to in other's eye. But, I think, it is healthier that way.

Definately, there were times, I found it difficult to express my mind and each time, I regreted so hard afterwards. So, whenever my hubby and I have inconsistencies, I will remind myself in heart that speak up now orelse the chance will never come back ~~

Some experts believe that if women keep their opinions oppressive, it will be more likely for them to suffer from melancholia and hence, they encourage women to speak up their minds more often. Theory as it says it should be though, still doesn't reflect much of the reality in our lives.

Two recent incidents in newspapers reported women who suffered under either domestic violence or life restraint.

The news in Taiwan reported a 22-year-old married woman who had been abused by her mother-in-law for nearly 5 years in her marriage eversince she got married. The whole thing was uncovered because this young woman was beaten to unconsciousness. The domestic violence caused a riot to her hometown. The furious neighbors of hers supported her by protesting at the police station for justice not to be served.

The other news was from Texas, USA, where exists a polygamist community that forced 13, 14, year-old teenage girls to get married with old men aged above 50 years old.

The news said this religious community used religion power to manipulate the thinkings of kids.
They talked kids into believing the outside world was immoral and unethical that would corrput their souls and got them shut out from the paths to the heaven.

It is g-o-d d-a-m-n ridiculous ~~~absurd~~~morbid~~~twisted mind..........

Those poor children, mostly girls were controled by their so-called spiritual leader and only saw making babies to be their values in lives.

These news are so sad ~~~

How can women be treated like this?
why is this still happening to women around the world.
This is modern 21st century.

Feminists from academic fields are teaching our young women to think differently and take actions to alter the situations. To open up the diversifications for women.

That's what I am always interested in.

The reality we encounter still, is not perfect enough or any fitting to perform what we've learned in school.
This is infuriating~~~ It makes me feel so powerless ~~

I can't stop wondering if the world would ever reach the equal state for both males and females?

Would it, afterall, restrict only in feministic theories ? Never able to be carried out in action?

Would us, who believe in feministic mottos have double standards over our minds and real lives?

Sometimes, I think I do~~double standard toward my life and my ideal.

I let my hubby makes the living for the family and take it for granted. Because laziness has taken the willpower out of me~~
This is a lame excuse I know. But I am seeking my way out now, I need time.
I'd never stopped working in my life, until 8 months ago.
To be more accurate, I am working right now, only as a part-timer and the living is poorly scarce to support my expence. That's all.

Moreover, isn't my hubby supposed to be the one who should be supporting me through every life obstacles like the wedding vow says?

I will, soon enough snap out of this muddy situation and get my butt up for a decent amount of money.

What should women need to face the pressure of getting pregnant, working decent jobs and being independent all at the same time? Why?

Whining is passive~~~I am only venting for my health sake.

What's Next ???

2008-03-28T18:17:00.004+08:00

My best friend is back in Taiwan visiting family and friends. I am delighted to see her again for the first time after she got married. I wasn't able to attend her wedding in States 2 years ago and so was she, couldn't come home for my wedding party this Jan..
Amazingly on how our lives have changed, we are married women now.

Before women step into marriages, the favorite-talk-about are either boyfriends or works. After women get married, "having babies" becomes the only topic around!!

I've constanly been asked about this ever since I got married and for God's sake I am now only being married for not even 3 months. Wherever I go, I got asked about "When are you going to have babies? Do you plan to have one this year? It costs a lot to have one these days, but doesn't his family want that? Afterall he is the elder son in the family..... blah blah blah"

Of course, I have thought about this. It is indeed much more expensive to raise a baby nowadays. Also, I am frightened to think of the life with a baby around. Still, it is inevitable in my marriage to have one eventually !

Well, I am really sick of this question now. ( My period is 8 days late now ! Out of stress, I guess)

I think, every baby is a special gift from the GOD. They will come its way to me~~I don't want to push it too hard to spoil it!

Nevertheless, I am happy to see my best friend home again. We've known each other for almost 18 years since I was 13. She is one of the few friends I kept all these years.
People come and go and so are friends. You have different groups of friends in different periods of time~ I make friends easily but I lose them as well when I move on to the next stage of life.

My best friend, Piggy is different. After all these years in State, living our lives apart in distance. She didn't change much! We talked and we laughed and it brought back all the good memories we had shared before. Easy-going, not manipulative, mellow and nice. (Perhaps, that's why this friendship lasts for so long, I am more manipulative and domineering and is a control-freak. heheheheh~~~) She is only home for a week and I got her for only one day.

She said we should visit her in States. I want that of course. Piggy and her husband bought a house in SC, I should visit her soon before I get pregnant and before my US visa get expired ~~ definately ~~

I am planning on getting a license recently, and my book is coming up soon, also I am checking the doctoral programs now.

Gosh.....busy busy busy......May God give me strength !

Alzheimer's Disease----Memories of Tomorrow

2008-03-15T17:03:00.004+08:00

There is no second-run movie theater around the place I live. So I start going back to Blockbuster for films. Of course, from time to time, we still go to the movie theater to enjoy the big screen. As long as they are good, it doesn't really matter where to view them!

I don't talk much about movies on my blog. It's because seeing movies has been my interest since I was a very young girl, maybe 6 or even earlier 5 years old. I can't live without them and besides, there are tons of movies to talk about in a variety of ascpects. Can't really make up my mind on which one is worthier than the other! Moreover, it might take a great mind and time to discuss the film I like.

This movies, however, stands out above all because the issue it's involved scares me and I think, it needs to be paid attention to ~~~~

The movie talks about a 50-year-old middle-aged white collar who works in advertising business, one day finds out he has the symptoms of Alzheimer. The disease, in general ideas, usually would be thought to happens on someone much older. The degeration progresses differently on different individuals. Some get worse quickly, some need years to get to the bottom.

This character in the movie, suffers the degenerative damages in only a few years time.
The degeneration functions so quick that he soon forget his beloved wife and lives in the memories in the past. How sad is that to forget your love one ??? Seeing your beloved one in the eye without the trace of you in her/is memory.

It scares the hell of me because, I do sometimes suffer the short-term amnesia out of tireness or lack of sleep. Of course, I think that is really no big deal and I may think too much, maybe??? No one knows what lays ahead of us, so cease the day as much while you can. Carpe Diem~~~~

Well, in the movie, the man keeps a diary while his memory is still with him. He tries to jot down the triviality, so he can still hold on to something that presents his life.

Writing a blog is a similar way to it !
I kept a few diaries before, in different ages. All were about the sentimental emotion I had !
I kept my annually schedules though, since 1994. Jotting down the events of everyday routine.
It might sound boring to some, but I think one day, my kids can share and follow my path to the past.

So, I am here, leaving words behind me. Carving marks to leave a trace of my existence.

http://gallery.photowant.com/b/gallery.cfm?action=poster&filmid=fmjp00494640&pid=P-fmjp0049464002

It is a bless

2008-03-14T20:20:00.003+08:00

My mother-in-law sent us a big box of fish by express today. The amount of fish was never able to be consumed by only two mouths in the household. I think, it might need 10 people to consume them all. So, I asked my husband to call a few friends and gave some away.
It was better that way, not just to keep the freshness but also could avoid wasting food.

Now, everything costs higher price! Never heard anyone got any raise, no increase in the family income. But the prices of all kinds go higher and higher.

It is a bless that I am married to this family whose business is catering. There is always food supply around. Of course, the cost of the business is higher now. But my mother-in-law trys to save the food expense by growing vegetables herself or picking the left over farm goods from the kind farmers.

Farmers only pick the better quality crop for sale. They leave the ugly-looking to rot or they share with neighbors. That's why my mother-in-law is always busy going to different farms for food.

Everytime, we goes back to Yun-lin or that we meets somewhere else. My mother-in-law will dispatch food around to sons and daughters.
Peanuts, sweet potatoes, green oninon, cilantro, pickled clams, fresh clams, fish, more fish, carrots, cabbages, vege-unknown........and more.

Maybe that's why I can never lose weight. Too busy consuming and digesting the food.
I have to cook often to digest them as well.
I won't complain it!
Sometimes, I can even bring some to my parents.
My dad loves the peanuts from Yun-lin. He never gets tired of it.
One time, my mom even complained that I didn't take more peanuts of what my mom-in-law had offered me to take.

The fish which arrived today was from our own fish tanks in Yun-lin. My hubby's family owns two fish tanks keeping clams. In order to feed the clams natural food. They also need to keep other creatures at the same time. So, there are milkfish, fish A and fish B. Sometimes, crabs too.
Sometimes, shrimps as well.

It is quite funny! Ours fish tanks are next to other neighbors' , so sea creatures pay visits to each other's homes. That's how we get shrimps or crabs sometimes !! Ha......

I am blessed and I should cherish what I have.

My hubby's family is very different from mine.
I can't remember much of how I've grown through it!
More judgemental, critical memories were left inside me, I guess!
I admire Angus' family for living a freer-minded life.
Perhaps they aren't well-educated and they all work as blue-collars, but they are all contented with their lives and children.
I can't imagine kissing my hubby freely while being with my parents or in the fmaily reunion.
But with them, that is just a natural act. Teasing each other and ask around who is the best in bed. Making fun of their parents!
Maybe all these are a bit vulgar and low in other's eye, but it is not oppressive to one's emotion.

Books Sharing

2008-03-14T18:49:00.008+08:00

The story is about a man, before his departure to London, he ran into a female fortune teller telling him that his future was somewhere dark and deep and below. The incident was paid no attention by anyone included Richard, the protagonist. One day, years after the prediction, Richard saved a dirty wounded girl on the street and there began his unbreakable fate with her and her underworld below London.

This is the sort that always attract me. I enjoy reading the adventurous stories and thinking ahead what might happen to the characters in the stories. This one isn't bad, though it moves in a slow temple but finally, the story comes to an end and the ending is pretty satisfying.

I bought this one on Feb.2, 2008. I was atrracted to the plot and considered to purchase it several times before I finally did. But I didn't finish it. Usually it takes me only a week or so to finish a novel.
The first few chapters were great, I couldn't stop reading! I was forced to leave it behind because we were on the holiday for New Year. Then, it was left there untouched for weeks. I tried to read more, but found it difficult to continue. Perhaps I wasn't patient enough or that the story was too controversial to wait for the ending. I jumped to the very end to find out the ending! The protagonist died.....Sad...
I am sure, I will pick where I left one day.

Purchase date: Dec. 6, 2007.
It was about a little boy who was kidnapped by a group of "changelings," the child-like ancient genies. Those changelings needed to kidnap kids and changed their souls with them. So they lived the lives of the kids they kidnapped and the kids became changelings, living in the child-like bodies that would never grow old or aged. Henry, the little boy became a changeling and had been trying hard to get his identity back. In the meantime, the one who stole Henry''s body had working hard on how not to let the family found out the truth. Time passed, years went by, The identities were formed and everything was irrecoverable.
It was an interesting story. I was hoping that the boy would get his body and identity back. But he didn't. At the end, he chose to live in his "Changeling" identity forever.

The book is like telling us that even we are not who we are to others. People would just expect us to be the ones they thought we were!

Purchase date: Nov. 3, 2007
Strongly recommend this book. The plot was so exciting and fascinating! The mysterious, puzzled narration drove me digging deeper until the moment the answers revealed!
It was about a famous author who kept a dark, secretive past. Although she was known as the great Vida Winter, but no single one knew her real identity. Until one day, she decided to tell the truth about her past and asked a young biographer, Margaret Lea to write her memoir.
It was the time, when every clue fell into the place where it ought to be!
A story about Twins and Twins' love.
To us, non-twin. It is about the unreachable half that we may be loning for or searching for the entire life.

Purchase date: Aug. 10, 2007.
Didn't finish this one, either!
The narrator was the Death itself. It drew my attention at the beginning. Thinking when it was going to take away this little girl's life, or how special was she that she could always skip its fatal hand.
I think, it is because the book is in the wartime. Things in the wartime are very depressing!
Like " My sister's keeper" The background is about sickness, disease. Of course, it trys to convey something bigger than that. The whole atmosphere was just so suffocating~~~

Besides, my interest in novels, I've always wanted to read more books about theories. I enjoy the moment when I figure out the great philosophical ideas. But it takes too much time and I can't really enjoy the flow of the narration in the books. So....well... got to try harder!!

Photos reference: http://www.google.com/

Nan-Tou

2008-03-12T12:02:00.005+08:00

Because I said so !

2008-02-29T21:06:00.005+08:00

Don't know how to start putting words on this one.

I guess it was the motherhood issue that attracted me at the first place.

There was another recently viewed. Volver by Penelope Cruz.

I love that one better !!

The whole plot is better placed and organized.

Also about motherhood.

A self-helped soul searching, maybe??

I never be able to avoid being attracted by those mother-daughter movies or books.

Not yet a Mom. Definately a mom-well-prepared-in-theory

http://www.bulletproofrecords.com/press/biss/becauseisaidso-press.html

Married Women-----HOOD

2008-02-22T17:47:00.004+08:00

Mom called me one afternoon to remind me of what I should remember to prepare for the prayer. Going to the temple on certain days is a ritual in many Taiwanese families.
Before, my mom would do everything for the family.
She knows every particular date. Dates to set food to worship the ancestor, dates for grandparents' dead birthdays. When to go to temples to pray, what to prepare, how to say your prayer to Gods.
This year, she called to make sure that I did the same. Only it was for my own sake!
Conventionally, we make extra prayers according to the Chinese year we have.
I am a horse. And I need to make extra prayer this year.

Getting older decreases my mom's memory and she called me several times to remind me of the steps that I should notice and follow. Actually, I was a little bit annoyed by her phone call at first, thinking how stupid it was to do it under certain form. I'd alreday got my ideas and had decided to do it my way! I thought, it was a prayer to God, in which that would only require nothing but your whole-hearted sincerity. So, I was annoyed to be forced to do the ways she considered it right! However, I didn't say much to my mom this time, didn't show her how annoyed I was ! I just said I would do it and hung up.
I understand her mind, knowing that she wants me to learn all this convention stuff because now I am married and soon in a few years, I will have my own kids and it is important that I carry on the tradition. That's my mom's expectation of what a good married woman is like.
Being a good married woman gains reputation that benefits not only to the woman herself but also to her family as well , for such a great achievement her parents have achieved to bring up a courteous, understanding and measurement-knowing-how daughter !

My mom's expectation, NOT MINE~~
I don't think I can avoid practising rituals in my married life. But I do believe, I have power over the convention I want to adopt and under what forms and pattern I prefer!!

The incident before Chinese New Year has safely come to the end

2008-02-17T15:11:00.005+08:00

Mr. Huang had kept his promise and so, I had visited my parents during Chinese New Year as I'd planned.
We even spent the last two days of the holiday joining a trip with my cousin and extended family

The first-year experience with my in-laws was not as scary as I thought it would be.
There wasn't much emotional swing occured!
The truth was, I was sorrowful for a bit while but the feeling went away quickly for I was too busy to brood it on.

Thing about catering business is, you have to work harder to make more money while others have their days off and have time to spend more money outside their working fields.
So, we were incredibly busy during Chinese New Year. There were piles of different food materials to be prepared.

Carrots, turnips, mushrooms waited to be sliced. Chickens to be cleaned, Fish to be scaled. Lambs to be chopped ! Utensils, napkins and hundreds of plates and bowls.

No time to take a rest because the works never seemed to be done enough!
Orders were placed over the phone calls, one after another, ringing the hooks off.
Some wanted only one or two courses, the other wanted a table.

That was not enough, we had to set a stand in day market to sell the cooked dishes. For many housewives were lazy to prepare the big meal and they would want to buy prepared food.

We spent 5 days with my hubby's family working hard and at the third day, Mr. Huang gave up his own wishful thinking that he wanted to spend the whole holiday with his family and said he would definately keep his promise to me.

I think, if we hadn't been that busy, I would have missed my family so much and felt so sorrowful.
Physical torment is easier to get over with than mental one !!

The incident has come to a happy ending and I appreciate Mr. Huang for keeping his promise.

Marriage life does challenge my feministic belief. Still, I believe there are ways to make my marriage life better in the ways that fit better to my ideals!!!

Keep going Gingie !!!

Let's Wait and See

2008-02-02T17:42:00.000+08:00

The first incompatibility in my marriage has temporarily suspended in balance. After the negotiation, we've reached an agreement of my right on parent visitation.
However, no conclusion should be made so far because I still have doubts over the promise.
It is hard to tell what kind of businessman Mr. Huang is?

The process on the negotiating table was ugly, two people who claimed to be in love and took the marraige vow, had fought with the dirtiest words ever.

I think, every argument damages the marriage somehow and becomes irrecoverable. It will leave a hole and accumulate until one day the hole gets so big and breaks the marriage!
No wonder that the divorce rate is so high ! High divorce rate doesn't mean that true love nowaday is cheap or isn't cared by the young people. It only shows that how assertive women have become and that, women no longer want to take any unreasonable repression in marriage.

I won't say that I've won over the conflict with Mr. Huang. It is not about win or lose!
It is about that since Mr. Huang's wife isn't weak in mind, which she has never been. He should know better that it is time to adapt his pace over his old chauvinistic thinking of married women and so he can be lucky to still be married to a smart woman!

To Show the Art of the Marriage relies on Conflict Management

2008-01-30T18:11:00.000+08:00

The turbulence in marriage has arrived earlier than I had expected. I have always been clearly aware of the insecure, awkwardness in the relationship between mother and daughter-in-law. Because of my own relationship with my mother, I've never really looked forward to a closer connection in mother and daughter-in-law. Keeping a decent distance is my strategy!! (It is a fortune that we live 4 hours driving distance away)

Always being polite and applying with courtesy!! (It isn't like talking to your own mother. To your mom, you can reveal the real you without faking anything behind the mask)

Friends who are already in marraiges have suggested me to use husband as the buffer when communicating with mother-in-law. They said, it would defer the direct friction and create a safe zone for the future's sake. So far, I think, I can't agree less with it!

But, to get between wife and mother does make Mr. Huang feel like living in hell. It is easy to corner him to a dead end without realzing it! (though I am clear of this, I can't help but keep doing it in the opposite)

So, it becomes crucial how well a wife can play her role and ,at the same time, get the ways she wants and things she insists on.

Have I become a wife who can manage the skill of a smart wife yet?
NOT YET! OF COURSE !!!
I don't have the high EQ to be nice cat and mean cat at the same time!!!

My Mr. Huang just took his mom's side and decided to sacrifice my right on paying a visit to my parents during Chinese New Year. (So, I have declared my right and gave words that he will have to go home alone without me)

Traditionally, like how western people celebrate Christmas, we Taiwanese will get together to have a nice, big meal on Chinese New Year's Eve.
Then, after, the day of Lunar New Year, married women will visit their parents and spend a day.

Mr. Huang's family is in Catering business. They will be busy on Chinese New Year.(I can totally understand the situation and the importance of being a helpful hand) Because more and more families think it is too tiring to prepare dinner and will simply call out for the catering food.
So, Huang's four married daughters will be home on the second day of Chinese New Year holidays to help out the business.

I'll say it is good to have so many daughters and son-in-laws to be so helpful when it is hard to hire workers during Chinese New Year.

But to deprive my right from the tradition and ask me to help out while all their daughters are home with their parents and ME, stay in Huangs to help out instead of going home being a good daughter is totally , TOTALLY N-O-T Negotiable

How's this fair?
How can I put up with this archaic, foul idea !!

The plan we had before the argument was to be at Huang's three days before Chinese New Year's Eve.
So, if we followed the old plan, we would be helpful enough for plenty of works.

To be reasonable and think the best interests of Mr. Huang is Huangs problem to be concerned. They should know if they forced thier son to stick around and help, they would put thier son to the edge away from THE GOOD SON-IN-LAW zone.

It could sabotage not only the intimacy with his wife but the relationship with all the in-laws on his wife side!!

How smart will Huangs be? I don't know !!!

We just had the argement and this conflict is left without any conclusions!
I think, I'll just have to wait and see.
Being calm is by far the step I can think of!
I wish I could have talked to someone about it.

Alas, I have chosen this marriage and to marry this man and now, it is my problem to learn how to stick to it!

Orelse?
Orelse what, Gingie?

Howler

2008-01-28T16:58:00.000+08:00

AMAZON~~~~WHERE ARE MY BOOKS??
What exactly is this tracking number stands for?
GM01088.............................???????????????

Which website should I be checking in?
The address is correct.
Even checked with the local post office
Still..........my books~~~NO WHERE TO BE SEEN

I need my books ~~~~IMMEDIATELY~~~
It is really frustrating to expect books for so long~~

Tokyo, Japan

2008-01-25T00:10:00.000+08:00

Japan is a wonderful choice for many newly-weds to go for honeymoons. One, no visa is needed, it'll save some money out of budget. Second, Japan is famous for its culture, good manners and cleaness, so no need to worry about the being robbed on the street, it is totally safe to travel there. Third, I got married in the wintertime and Japan has many hot spring spots to steam up the erotic passion. HA~~~

What attracted me more was Hokkaido, the far north in Japan. The sightseeing tours in Hokkaido are all scheduled for hot springs, seafood buffet, hot springs, seafood buffet and more hotspings.

But, then, my hubby's friend back in the army was going to Japan for the honeymoon, too. We, then, decided to join them in the same trip to Tokyo. Everything was new and fresh!!We arrived there around 4 pm in the afternoon, and since Japan's daytime is much shorter. It was already dark everywhere, though the day was still very young.

The weather was cold. It was only 33.8 Fahrenheit, Much colder than Taiwan and was dryer.The first night schedule was loose! We went to a shopping mall for dinner and was mislead by our tourguide to get lost in the bus tracks. Our tourguide was nice, but wasn't sharp enough sometimes. We were supposed to take the hotel trolley back to hotel that we stayed, but we got on the wrong hotel trolley and stopped at a train station. Night life in Japan is poor.

In Taiwan, many stores open up until 12 am.

In Japan, stores simply close around 9-10, some close earlier! We were forced to stick around the station for the next connecting hotel trolley back to our hotel!

The first morning from hotel's window.

We watched the news in bed to know there was snow in Tokyo and opened the window to find the surprise.

It was my first encounter with snow.
Too excited to care about how bloated I was.

The first morning's plan was heading toward the mountain areas around Tokyo.

Here, we stopped at a tourist service center.Vending machine isn't a new invention.

But to see so many together in a shop was definately an eye-opening scene.Many different flavors of coffee and brands of tea. Hot ones. Cold ones.

Even the food machine which you could get the steaming food from it.

The particular square setting was the front door of the temples. When seeing this, you could expect a temple somewhere near it

During out trip in Tokyo, we visted several famous temples. They were all so sacred and devine.

Beatiful architecture.

There were fountain places like this one near every temple. For worshipers to clean their hands with the spring water and to rinse their mouths too. Don't understand why rinsing the mouth before going into the temple. Anyway, people don't swallow the water but instead to spit it.

These two scary statues were two Gods.

One was supposed to the Thunder God. While the other was the Wind God. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to tell apart which one was which?

This was taken on our way to our second night hotel.

The Fuji Mountain.

It was so SO beautiful.

The tourguide said, we were lucky to see it without clouds around. Most of the time, people would miss it due to the bad weather. Even with the good weather could disturb the view.

Before we went for the hot springs. We tried on the traditional custume, which is called, YUKADA.

It is like the bathrobe.

When we were about to leave our second morning, it happned to be snowing outside.

The snow wasn't big enough to be spotted.

Another temple visit!!

This one was bigger and more sacred than others.

In Japan, they have the regular temples for ordinary people and ones for kings only.

This one was for kings.

We ran into someone who served in the temple. I guess, he was going to hold a ceremony or something, but was asked by many tourists for photos.

Tokyo Tower. We had our lunch in the basement of it.

I like this temple better because it was like our temples in Taiwan. Around it, there were vendors and shops for snacks and souvenirs.

This Japanese sushi chef was cute and shy.

The raw sushi was so delicious!

Expensive too. We didn't have enough time to dulge our appetite.

Disneyland, the forth day of the trip.

We stayed over 12 hours in this wonderland.

We got up early to line up for the entry and found out that lots of others got up much earlier than us did.

I forgot how long did we line up for the entry.

Time went by while we were chatting, feeling excited about the facilities inside.

The weather was still cold then.

Seeing many Japanese families there to get ready for fun. For all tourists, we used the one-day visit pass. But, according to our tourguide, some Japanese love Disneyland so much that they bought the year pass to be there anytime they want.

And I did see some of them using the card pass, not the paper pass.

Exotic castle! Somewhat European. Don't you think?

For the first 8 hours, I was smiling non-stop like a kid. WOW~~~ at this and that. Tried on every kids favorite facilities.

Such as this one. The Turning Cups.

The Western Area.

We did stay there for over 12 hours.

Unfornately, I didn't make it to the Cartoon Town to take a picture with Mickey or Minnie or Donald Duck.....Alas!!!

Humungous Smoked Turkey legs~~~~

It smelled so good~~~

My hubby couldn't resist it and so we bought two.

But~!!!

It wasn't juicy. Dry and not juicy.

So... I took a few bites and left it all to my husband.

The big show in Disneyland is, there will be a parade almost everyday at 2 pm.

The time we took this picture wasn't even 2pm.

It was maybe 1:30 or something.

However, lots of Japanese had put out their picnic pads on the floor and occupied on the sides of the parade route.

We were so impressed how organized they were and couldn't help take this piciture.

Of course, people gathered up quickly in a short time, when we finally decided to find a spot, there weren't good ones to take.

I am sure, poeple who work in Disneyland always work in delight.

The parade lasted for about 30 minutes.

All the characters in the parade sang along the way to the end.

We, audience just cried out WOW~~~~

HA HA HA .......WOW....HA HA HA

That's Micky. Minnie

Peter Pan~~~~

Snow White.

It was great to see this famous character.

But....I think, this Snow White was a bit too old.

I was happy still though

Disneyland is sure a wonderland.

Lots of little girls dressed up like princesses.

It was too bad, they didn't sell princess custume for adults.

The last morning before we departured.

We went to MINATO station.

Here we took a monorail.

This monorail in Japan was so special.

It was like cable car, only the monorail in Japan used a magnet track to hold the roof of the car.

So, basically, the car slided under a sky bridge with its bottom floating.

Time to say goodbye. We were at NARITA airport.

Overall impression over Japan was good.

The only flaw was, it was difficult to find a bilingual tourist guides.

Everything was in Japanese.

They should put up more bilingual signs to help the tourist.

Chinese is definately a better option.

But at least more English signs to help out.

I like Japan.

I think, I will visit it soon again with my husband.

Marriage begins when Honeymoon is over.

2008-01-23T13:50:00.000+08:00

For the past few months, I was totally occupied with all details and matters related to my engagement, wedding and after-wedding party. I was dreadful tired. It is difficult to imagine how some people can manage to have more than one marriage?

Something about wedding is that, it is never going to be a two-people matter but a two-family matter. Even an independent, self-rightous and opinionated woman like me was trapped in the mouths of others. I was swamped in their kindness, for they were simply being nice to think the best of your well-beings and benefit, but sometimes, the warm-hearted advices could be so annoying! Ones who have had been through wedding matters cordially gave you suggestions about what to do and what not to do. What's worse was, when both of you have big families, toubles double up because you didn't know whose suggestion to take and whose to cast away.

Thanks God, I've survived through the whole wedding ordeal and have had my honeymoon in Tokyo, Japan with my husband.

Honeymoon as it was supposed to be, fine and sweet. I felt nothing changed between us two.
It was like we were still unmarried.
However, soon the situation is gonna change cause the Chinese New Year is coming in February and I will, for the first time, having the family reunion dinner with my in-law family not with my mom and dad.

I try not to think in advance how sorrowful I might be to be where without my parents on New Year's Eve. I wasn't so attached to my parents before, but it seems that once thing is no longer as it used to be, I miss the old time and get scared to the new condition.

Well, hope everything will be okay!!
I'll be fine.
After Chinese New Year, I'll have to start thinking about finding a new job here in Taoyuan, of course, my goal of life should get started ,too.

Read Your Anxiety Away

2007-12-22T01:39:00.000+08:00

When I am under stress. I love to duck back to the world of books. Long stories, short stories, various kinds of fiction that seems to attract my attention and be able to soothe my nerves.

The best part of reading is that its imaginary world gives you a peaceful moment which temporarily makes you forget what you're being through. The downside of it comes when you are about to finish it and when you do, it leaves nothing but a sense of lonliness. Emptiness creeps all over you and haunts you to linger in the fabricated plot for a while until a click from the real world to bring you back to the reality.

Story after story I read, I read my life through author's eye. Each brilliant work brings me the observation and life experience from the author. I mimic my life to the character's for venting, pick up the potential situation, print it in my memory for the unknown future with sensible preparation.

Wedding Photos

2007-12-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

Repeating the Karma

2007-11-20T17:11:00.000+08:00

How not to repeat the karma of your own relationship with your mom is to learn how a parent should be when you become one.
Or, maybe, it is better to start learning the knacks earlier when you step into a marriage.

Becoming a man's wife is where you can observe the karma pattern of your mom.
You act like your mom. Copying the ways she treats your dad, saying the same words as she does and using the same vocabs, complaining the same things which you used to think they weren't big deals to nag about.

Nothing is to late to make amendment! Because you are only living together with you fiance.
So, every resentful pattern that leads you back into the karma is amendable!

Living out of the karma is your goal to reach and task to complete as a woman.

I want to be a new woman~~~~~~~~~
A new species of women.
Being a traditional one is not the compromise I can wedge myself into.

Stepping into Mist

2007-11-19T21:26:00.000+08:00

There are never signs for you when you are at your turning points of your life. The pathes toward the big changes of one's life just come in seconds with the most unnoticable cover as camouflage. You don't think it is a big deal to step on it and when you do, it is no turning back!

The whole chaotic disater begins with the consent saying "yes."

"Yes" this simple consensual word has a magical power that mesmerizes you into an illusional state to believe a promised land waiting ahead. But it doesn't prevent the invisible factors from going wrong on the way.

First you say "yes," then comes the trouble! Game has begun and rules are waiting for you to follow. Nobody knows how long it will end or how it will end, but one thing for sure now is, you've already stepped a foot into the gate of chaos and the rest of the unknown is acting eagerly to drag you into it !

You are wondering if you'd made the right decision and are still observing the moves around you to see if you could turn you back and walk away if the situarion became the causation of your unhappiness.

2007.9.30 Wedding photo shoot

2007-10-27T19:17:00.000+08:00

I took these pictures myself on the day we had our wedding photo shoot. Days before that I was feeling upset about all wedding customs and unsettlement which had irritated me so much to think about postponing the day. That's how things might trick you sometimes when they go the opposite!

When the day came, I was feeling calm and easy and let the makeup stylist did her work on me.
I didn't give her too much personal opinions about how I'd like to be dressed and just let her did whatever she pleased on me. I guess that was how things turned up well.

This was the last style and I loved the hairdo and the flower she attached on me.

Mei-mei, the makeup stylist

Another favorite style!

Last Month in Taichung / Aug.2007

2007-09-22T00:48:00.000+08:00

The gathering at Eva's! The old staff from New York New York.

The farewell party for all New York's staff. Every one was back for the feast. It was weird that we didn't cry our hearts out?

Vic, the art designer

Mina, the accountant

Anna, office secretary

Taka, Japanese consultant

Miyamoto, Japanese consultant

Kathy, English consultant

Katrina and Tim

Donny and Me

Suzi, the former employee and me.

Mike Hickey

Jeff Raddle

Nick Chong, my favortite coworker.

Teresa

The last night, the very end meal. Two clients of us treated some of us in a restaurant.

Nick, the bastard. I am always the one to pinch him . He got it back this time.

Is it a meticulous consideration or a blind impulse?

2007-07-06T22:40:00.000+08:00

"I'm getting married!" ---a single line that I used to dream saying out loud with people's congratulaitons as response.

But, its feedback in the actual deed is totally out of my expectation, and to be honest, a bit disappointing.

Think back to my teenage dream, I was crazily hoping my life would be exotic and outlandish that it should happen in a foreign country with an artistic man that cared lots about me and two of us could live a non-traditional life for the rest of life. "A Non-traditional Life" was totally my ultimate goal for my life.

That didn't happen and I am no longer a teenage girl. It is completely contraditory than what I am facing right now.

Yesterday, people from two families were having lunch together in the restaurant talking about the possible wedding for the two of us.

There were 10 people at the table, my parents, his parents, my uncle and aunt, his uncle and aunt and two of us. (Traditionally, uncle from mother's side side plays an important role in the family and has right to manage or maybe to say interfere some decisions)

Anyway, the lunch event seemed a smooth one without too much awkwardness.
Both uncles from two families tried hard to convey each side's expectation.
No result came out from the first round draft and the second round is waiting ahead for the further request.

Eversince we decided to get married, we have been building the future path toward marriage.

Meeting each other's parents, family members and friends.
Discussing and exchaging the ideas about marriage.
Busy doing this and that~~
and I am overweight for the wedding photo shoot and start my diet project and it's progress is still far behind the schedule so far.

Gosh, so many things~~~~Where I work in the evening is closing down at the end of August, so I am moving northern to live with my boyfriend before the wedding. (Though the date is still unsettled)

The worst thing from the whole busy, annoying process before wedding is that ---- people around me start asking me to think twice and hard for my decision to prevent the worst scenario to happen in the future.

They want me to think carefully for the outcome if I made the wrong step now.

"Getting married is easy", they said.
"Getting divorced is not simply to walk away from the problems because it may have had the kids involved" , they reminded~

Ah~~~~~~` I know that~~~~~I know~~I know~~~~ but nothing is made from a single line with a single element.

Should I make a list to see if I should or shouldn't marry him?

Alas, difficult to pinpoint why I should or why I shouldn't .

**Baby, if you are reading this. please remember I love you and I only bring this onto the table for mere discussion***

The thing that gets beween us is the money issue.
Our values on money-using doesn't pace accordingly and I am afraid it might be a potential fuse to all future arguments.

We grew up in different families and, of course, our values on using money would certainly be different from each other~But I never thought we could be so different~

Optmistic as I always, I hope everything will seek to the perfect way through~

No sacrifice will be made! No compromise is unwilling~ Nobody will ever get to say, "I told you so~"

Hafa AdaiAlohaAlii~~~

2007-07-03T16:17:00.000+08:00

Angus and I went to Palau for a vacation. This was my first time abroad with my boyfriend. It was so much fun!! Palau was totally out of my expectation. I thought it would be like Guam where was surrrounded by the reef and so people could enjoy the ocean by walking down to it for a long distance. The ocean view in Palau was more like a rain forest where you needed people to drive you around with boats. And..I tried the snokeling for the very first time.
2006/6/26 Before leaving Angus' apartment.
It was his first time going abroad, so he looked very excited.

I wasn't as delightful as how the photo showed because there were kittens on the car wheels and it worried me a lot. I was afraid the kittens would get killed.
Nothing would disturb his good mood~

He didn't stop that freaking smile for one second~

I was a bit tired because of all the preparation before leaving. It was a hurried trip, we made this quick decision only 4 days before the date.
He couldn't control himself~~~Ha~~~Duty free goods

Angus bought me a Coach wristlet~hehehehe~ Man's chauvinism . Far Estern--Flight EF 601

Even the flight meal couldn't bring down his mood.
After 3 and half hours flight, we arrived in Palau. There was the cool police with a black labrado, too bad I wasn't quick enought to snap the dog.

Thai massage~~ It was incredible. So comfortable. ( It was included in the trip fare)
We stayed in Palasia Hotel. The owner is the Blue political party in Taiwan. The breakfast we had was pretty much the same during our stay.

Actually, I was a bit scared to sit on the speed boat.

The Milky Way ( or The Milk Lake) Beautiful ~~~~~~~
Could I be any bulkier?
Our tour guide, CiaoChang. He is from Mailand China, most of his coworkers are Taiwanese. He was a nice tour guide~

Covered with the mud~

It was supposed to be the beauty SPA, and I forgot to let it dry on me before jumping in the water.
Can you see the jellyfish on my hands? I was amazed by this beautiful creature. They said, it would die if it came off the water. So I tried to hold it steady under the water. When it hit my leg, I thought it was the silicon that boost up women's breasts. Then, there were more coming that women in the same group started to scream with delight. And our tour guide said, it was the jellyfish. I never touched that before~~~
Nobody's islet! We stopped there to rest and had our lunch there~ So beautiful~~ The only thing I couldn't get used to was the restroom!

They built restrooms on every islet, but they were so primitive. I dared not to look into it. The tour guide, Chang taught us another way to release ourselves~
At first, I didn't realize I was holding the shells of scallops. Not after we went to the Hundred-year scallops water zone to appreaciate them~

Big beer belly~~~Ha~~
Short-legged Me~~~
Ocean, ocean I LOVE YOU~~
Hehehe~~~~ I was trying the way our tour guide taught us about....
We picked up one beatle nut in the water. That was bigger than what we had in Taiwan. People here eat beatle nuts too.

Small green lizard~~~ The color was so green and vivid.
Paradise~
This was the water zone where we saw the rose coral.

A-sa, our boat man. He was so~~cool~~~

Nobody dared to try the famous bat soup, even though Chang told everyone it was the natural VIAGRA.

The scallop the guy killed was about 30 years old. People watched it with amazement~

The warrior dance. Those young kids were so cute that even though I couldn't understand what they were chanting, but I knew perfectly that they made some mistakes by chanting in the different rhythm and they argued with each other about it~

I was given the wreath. Chang said, that was how they chose their brides. Don't know if that was true.

This chubby young kid was the popular star in his group, everyone wanted to take a picture with him.

I took this photo at the port. The water was so clear I could see the blue starfish in it! There was blue starfish everywhere.

Whale island~~

The German Channel
We were on the Long Beach. They said, it was about 2 kilometers. Nobody could walk through it on foot before the high tide coming.

I couldn't jump up~~~

The second nobody's islet we had been to!

I didn't know how I looked so thin in this one~~ but I was happy about it.

I was running after this beautiful rooster all over this islet, it seemed to know I was following it. They said, Roosters are the God of Gate

We were so lucky that we had spotted so many new born baby jellyfish in the jellyfish lake. It wasn't so easy to see them in the lake, we had to climb a rough path up and down to get to the lake. Two of us were so stupid, we weren't properly equipped and we wore flip-flops~

It is beyond words to decribe how much I was touched by the thousands jellyfish in the lake. It seemed so unreal~

Lover Bridge~

This man is a TV star in Taiwan, we ran into him in Chinese restaurant.

Cool A-sa~

We had a free day and took some time to view the local view.

The tropical house in Palau.

We were at a local coffe shop, Angus was curious of the leaves. He eats beatle nuts sometimes in Taiwan.

The embassy of Taiwan.

The Napoleon Wrasse, we didn't have the underwater camera to take the photo of it in blue coral water zone, so we used the sign board in the hotel.The last day in Palau. Saying goodbye~~All couples took turns talking pictures with our tour guide CiaoChang.

Hehehe....... I put my head on his shoulder~

The father and son~ They are the relatives of one famous singer in Taiwan. The boy was so shy~

At bai

The last shot in hotel room.

We met two Palauan in the restaurant. They were so generous to let Angus tried the beatle nut.

We were on our way to the airport. A bit moody~~ Thinking about coming back to Taiwan with the dreary work.

Bye bye Palau~~~~~See U next time.

I love ocean. The blue sky with the blue color water~~

I've been to Guam, Hawaii and Palau. All of them are famous for their blue beauty.

I am fascinated to all of them. Each place dazzled me with different facet. I enjoyed them all.

Next destintation~~

Maldives / Great Barrier Reef / Kho Samui ?????

Just You and Me and One Golden Retriever, Hon !!!

2007-06-13T00:05:00.000+08:00

Angus asked me when I would post my love for him on my blog! I laughed hard about it when he mentioned that!! There were times when he asked me "What I love about him?" Which I didn't have an asnwer for!! I think, I love him! I know I do, or I am not sure that I don't.

Love seems like an ethereal and intagible abstraction that makes you happy and confused! When the two of you are happy at some moment, love is all around you and you are sure it is there. But when you start thinking hard on the future life that you gonna build base on the love you thought you already had, then you aren't so sure love is there and how much you have in your heart anymore!

We have been discussing every possible change in our future life. There are topics like-----Where to live? It is obvious we can't live apart, though I love Taichung so much, he gets better income in Taoyuan. Also, we've decided to pay more visits to each other's family before they meet up! And, my dream on my PH.D that becomes not just my personal goal to reach anymore, he is now involved in my consideration! However, it leaves an end that somehow grows an insecure feeling in my Angus that he is afraid that it might drift us apart because I might run into and fall for someone who is academic intelligent and brilliant and that happends to my kind of Mr. dreamy. Since, Angus and I are vaired in many levels!

So, here it is...The more we talk, the bigger the question mark appears and flutters in my head, hovers my brain with questions over and over again!! Do I really love this man? Is he the right one? Is he my meant-to-be? What am I thinking about? What was in my mind when I made up my mind about this marriage plan? How sure am I to this? How many married women had once had second thoughts on their choices on the papers?

I've told myself a thousand time, even before my decision on this, that I will never get married with a tiny sense of hesitation in it! But now, I am not so positive and certain about the promise I made for me. I think, to entrust one's happiness on another isn't a simple 'yes' or 'no' question. It is a pretty intricate analysis!

I haven't mentioned what exactly did the Shaman said about me. This famous shaman that my mom went to for family matters fortold a wonderful marriage in me and Angus. For that, I took it as a good sign to our relationship and thought that I should give it a try! Superstitious or not? Maybe, maybe not!

I have my reason for what I've dicided!

Originally, my thought in this relationship was to be together for about a year or two before considering the possibility of marriage without kids in it! Because I am medical-proven possible reproductive-challenged. I just wanted to be loved and enjoyed the love feelings. I didn't think too much in this realtionship!

Then..........He said:" I want to settle down earlier and my mom likes you. " Which is very importantto me. Besides, his family seems merrier and more harmonious than mine. And, there came that prediction of the Shaman.

I just want to grasp this chance which I don't know if I missed it, how long will I need to wait for the next one to come. I know the pressure that I am about to face is to have babies and for that I have no power in control. It is his obligation as the elder son in traditional Taiwanese family, though he is being very supportive and asks me not to worry too much about it!

Marriage, as I believe, will enrich and fulfill a woman's life that might bring her extensive life experience even though, the enternal marriage isn't expectable these days. I have this postive outlook on marriage's benefit to women nomatter what the consequence might be.

That's it! I have come to one turning point in my life path and I am giving it a try! Take my chance !

And Honey! I love you!

Walking down to the "Possible" Aisle---Prologue

2007-05-30T03:48:00.000+08:00

For the past few weekends, whenever Angus and I were out for dinner, we would stop by the jewelry stores to check on the diamond rings and asked for the prices. (It was a delightful thing to try those beautiful rings on. We aren't that rich to afford a carat, but half a carat is my goal to reach. Hahahah~~)

Weddings cost a lots! So many things to buy and so little money to spend!

When he first took me to the jewlery store, I was so surprised and, for the first time, felt the authencity of this upcoming event!

There was no proposal of this whole event actually!
It was, when he mentioned to me in February of how much his family would like him to settle down earlier. My internal reaction was ---" Are you insane? We are only together for like less than a month? How can I possibily think of that?"

Of course, he wasn't giving me the position to fill in, but was telling me his aim for our relationship. I was repeating "How could I just entrust someone with my life happiness so easily?" in my heart.

And I didn't make up my mind until this Shaman from a temple fortelling her oracles.

Now, you might think Ginger is a silly person to believe in something with no scientific statistics!

Well..... it isn't easy to express myself well enough to the point of the ambiguous conceptions I have over life values and women.

I was a student in English literature for 7 years and the years before that I was a hard-working studnet who had worked my ass off in learning English.

In my studnet life, I was a person who had this dream to wish to be different somehow at some points from the girls that all Taiwanese parents would want thier daughters to be!
I didn't like much of my traditions and customs because their conceptions for women were so limited that I thought no souls should be confined in the bodies of the genders and no one would know for sure on woman's possible achievement!
By learning English, I felt closer to those who have more freedom in building their dreams. I mean, women from advanced Western countries.
I don't think that now~~~~
Anyway, part of me, with the education I received, I am deeply influenced by women liberation in Western countries. But, most in heart, I guess, I am never but a conventional Taiwanese woman who still tries to seek an outlet for those who don't wish to be too traditional.

"Shaman" in Taiwanese culture is believed to be someone who has carried God's mission on helping those who suffer in life matters and need directions for better futures.

In Taiwanese culture, we are totally toaism. Of course, Taiwan is a place with multi-religions.
But, Toaism is more like life practice here than religions. I was raised with such kind of background and in some ways, I am superstitious and believes in some taboos.
Angus thinks it is rediculous to someone like me who has received a master degree but to believe in a shaman who might not even have a high school diploma!

--stay tune---

Lack of Posting

2007-05-23T00:31:00.000+08:00

I got my friend, Miget's email not long ago concerning my lack of posting lately! It is really delightful to know that this blog is read. I should have known better that an open blog online for communication is a responsibility. The ignorance is irrecoverable, I should try to amend it by coming here more often.

But to tell the truth, which is a bit embarrassing to admit, Love has stupefied my brain for the past 4 months. I have lost my insipiration completely! Everything makes me feel so contented and nothing brews in my heart for venting!

One day afternoon, I was enjoying buffet with an old coworker of mine, listening to her nostaligic memory searching of her younger life, which she intended to put down in words on her blog.
Suddendly she mentioned that how her lover now (to whom she met on line) had lost his misogynous ability in wriing (this man had been hurt badly by a woman in his younger life).
This striking point has brought me to realize that how greatly LOVE could be to fill out the empty hearts who had once been considered the most opinionated of all kinds!

Since I fell in love with my boyfriend. Everything has become so chaotic without its routine but no complaint.

Because Angus (My BF) lives in northern part of Taiwan while I am living in the middle part. We only see each other on the weekends. Our weekends together were all about outings, eating-out and visitings friends.

Before, the weekendtime was my time for book reading, TV and sitcoms watching and constant visits to my uncle's house or get-together with cousins and friends.

On the weekdays, which I used to go out with coworkers and friends for relaxing tea time in the afternoon and comforing late night pig out have been replaced with constant phone calls during the day time and long good night talk at night.

I couldn't recall much of the last time being alone by myself staying in bed for my diary!!
Let alone the time to log in Blogger for posting.

Today, after reading Miget's email, I've decided to come up here to put down some words about my forthcoming potential life alteration. I've been thinking about writing it since I got my fortune told. I'd like to put this whole process in record to build up a mirror for a retrospective reflection.
The thing is--------if everything goes well and smooth enough, I will be wedded before the end of 2007.
Angus and I have consented on this future possibility.
However, to get married isn't all about two of us, but the matter between two families~~~~
And that's how I should begin my recording~~~ (to be continued)

Well......

2007-04-01T20:28:00.000+08:00

I love you and that's why I bug you
I bug those I care and to you I love.
I bug cause I care, I bug cause I love.
Suffocation to you and to me the same, too.

If a distance could be kept, a better tension can attain~

When Love is on the boat, the wind, the storm to conquer~
The Breeze, the sun to comfort~~

How could we enjoy the warmly sun with the lovely breeze if there was no wind, no storm to suffer?

A Raft

2007-03-22T22:45:00.000+08:00

Drfting Raft, Where to Go?

To the Harbor or the World?

Rocky Harbor without Wind and Storm, but Rusty Bottom no one knows

Beautiful World with a Wider View~

Sailing, Surfing, Floating, Free to Move and Please to Pause.

Not Knowing the Time to End Will be the Only Flaw

Drifting Raft, Where to Go??

Pending in Needs and Feeling Low.

One Afternoon in Matche Cafe~~

2007-03-15T21:25:00.000+08:00

Date: February, 25,2007
Place: Match Cafe, on Chung-Kang Rd.

Professor Ming May Chen

Reunion of Five Beauty~HA~~~~

2007-03-15T20:44:00.000+08:00

Feb.23, 2007---Cousin Reunion

This was the second year of cousin reunion. Of course, there are male cousins in the family, but this reunion is only for females. Besides, my first aunt's children who are much older than the rest of us and live without connection. There are only 5 females of us! We decided to get together whenever Joyce is back from Germany. She is married with German and live there now and would only come home for New Year.

Joyce (right) and Shu-yu, her older sister

Me and Yin-Zhen, my 5-month younger cousin! We are very close to each other.

Five of us, plus my cute niece~~~The middle one is Hui-Ping.

Gosh~~We lined up by age.

2007 New Year Trip

2007-03-15T20:13:00.000+08:00

The Sunrise of Ali Mountain

Angus & Ginger at the Weather Observation Station

The train that doesn't work anymore!!

Heart-shaped Tree

The Couple Tree

Lament Loss of the Aerial Love

2007-02-06T16:13:00.000+08:00

It has been just a few weeks from my last post, though, I feel like it has been forever to feel the mood to sit down at my laptop posting. I have been busy about adjusting my life with not only me in it but also a significant one gets involved. Being single for too long has crippled my ability to dare to say that I am in LOVE now~~

Thinking back to 2006, I was having this huge crush on someone who wasn't just academic brilliant but also artisitic talented. He is so talented that I believe whosever meets him would have this illusionary adoration over him whatsoever; for such an irrational crush, I was able to print down words in peotic forms to express my feelings for him. It was a bizzare but incredible experience. Thinking of someone with a full heart, filled the possibility into an impossible scenario milieu, an unrealistic fantasy over somebody you hardly knew of.
Such an unrequited admiration left an unbearable lightness of melancholia to the end of 2006.

But, agnostic as life is, I am suddenly in a relationship with someone I met a few months ago in Chinese teaching class. From all my past experience, "click-on at the first sight" had taken a great part in forming a relationship. Even when I discussed "Attraction" with a friend, I remembered how I insisted on putting "love at the first sight" as the enssential element in attraction. However, me and Angus didn't click on like that and it is very difficult (I would say, unable to tell) how we get together and why??? Perhaps, there was this invisible hand which maneuvered the subtle shifing in the process and put us together....Ha~

This is a whole new experience to me, with a man who is 2 years younger than me. But I guess what's more important is how your souls connect than appearance.

He has arrived in a blink!

2007-01-24T17:00:00.000+08:00

The blissful moment with you is-----
How you've perceived what other people have not!
Took in the subtle action I tried to impress with a whole heart.
Print down a promise that the previous had never tried to commit~

Forget Not Yet and Feel in Vain, Yet again in Depair~~

2007-01-11T00:35:00.000+08:00

Forget Not Yet
*****************
Thomas Wyatt

Forget not yet the tried intent
Of such a truth as I have meant.
My great travail so gladly spent
Forget not yet.

Forget not yet when first began
The weary life ye know since whan
The suit, the service none tell can
Forget not yet

Forget not yet the great assays,
The cruel wrong, the sconrnful ways,
The painful patience in denays.
Forget not yet

Forget not yet, forget not this.
How long ago hath been and is
The mind that never meant amiss,
Forget not yet.

Forget not then thine own approved,
The which so long hath thee so loved,
Whose steadfast faith yet never moved,
Fortgot not this!!

What shoul I say?

2007-01-11T00:20:00.000+08:00

What should I say
**************************
by Thomas Wyatt

What should I say
Since faith is dead,
And truth is away
From you is fled?
Should I be led
With doubleness?
Nay, Nay, __________!

I promised you
And you promised me,
To be as true
As I would be;
But since I see
Your double heart,
Farewell my part!

Though for to take
It is not my mind
But to forsake---
I am not blind----
And as I find
So will I trust.
Farewell, unjust!

Can you say nay?
But you said
That I alway
Should be obeyed
And thus betrayed
Or that I wist---
Farewell, unkist!

We can't please Everyone (done)

2007-01-04T15:43:00.000+08:00

Over the past 4 months, I was taking the Chinese Language Teaching course in my alma mater, Providence University, since its program is by far the most well-known in the middle Taiwan.

Frankly speaking, I would say, the course wasn't as rich as I expected! The course syllabus wasn't so organized! The most useful skill I learned from the course was the Pinyin System, the phonetic system that helps to teach Chinese. But to the grammatical part, it was quite blur and unclear.

The other ONLY benefit I got, was the teaching experience from the teacher who shared most of her teaching experience for over 30 years regarding the cultural parts.----"The techniques of dealing with the foreigners!" She told a bunch of stories regarding her pesonal experience on getting along with foreigners or the in-class management on how to manage the attitude of the foreign students. (To this aspect, I would totally stand by my teacher side, and nod my head hard!!)

Last night, she told us an example and led us to think about the values differences, also a word " Ethnocentrism!"

I've mentioned before on this blog that how friendly Taiwanese are to foreigners!
And to foreigner, I only refer to those who have white skin!
To this fact, it relates to the story she told!!!!

Her story was, an ABC (American born Chinese) came to Taiwan to study his mother tongue and told our teacher, how happy he was to be here that he didn't have to please people around and was able to be more like himself! The thing was, his traditional Chinese mother always taught him to be nice and kind to people and never being impolite or rude. (That's Taiwanese or Chinese' typical moral lesson!)

So, in a place where ethonocentrism and individulaism are highly appreciated and practiced, he was often time, finding himself pleased others when he didn't know how to tackle with the attitudes of the people around him! However, studying here in Taiwan, with the same race around him and who also share the same moral domestic lesson. He felt much more comfortable to be himself because his politeness and kindness are rewarded with the kindly response! So, he liked people here better.

Back to the top, I am NOT trying to criticize anything! All I am trying to is, to pinpoint the Value Differences and the idea of Ethonocentrism among cultures.

We, Taiwaneses always believe, Kindness will bring us good rewards and nice reponses! So, it is some kind of motto that always contains in either the ethic study from schools or the moral lesson parents teach their kids with.

Before, there were not so many scam events or criminal schemes, parents always told children to tolerate the unfairness or the social, interpersonal awkwarness.
Now, people are more aware of their rights and become more self-consicous and so, when they run into something that deprives their rights or jurisdictions, they know how to fight back or speak up!

But, I think, somewhere, somepart, the traditional ethic values still roots in everyone of us, that when we are handling something infamiliar, such as the foreign affairs, we tend to turn inward to the old ways. This subliminal consciousness is inherited in every generation and passes on for ages, even the emigrants from Taiwan can't escape from its influence.

On the other hand, Westerners, due to their histories and cultures, they incline to be more self-centered, and the family values and stuctures are much different from us, too.
Somehow, they don't feel that much an obligation to put up with something that agaist her/is will or idea.

Therefore, when two cultures clap, the differences in between, may, and frankly speaking, often cause lots of misunderstandings and cultural misconceptions.

According to the developmental modes above, the often-heard pattern of the relationship between the two cultures would be---Westerners being self-centered and maintain the ways they want with people, while Taiwanese are following the doctrine of the tradition to treat people with kindness when it comes to the infamiliar situations. So, this kind of interaction in the eye of the Third Party might seem to be that we are buttering up the White skin and please them for nothing but coldness.

This pattern leads to explain the result of the story our teacher told us. It, then, wouldn't be hard to figure why the ABC said, he could be more like himself here than America!

Compare to other Taiwanese, I am more like a third party person in this "dealing-with-foreign-affar" thing!

I grew up receiving the traditional values and doctrines! I was on the same path as others when it came to the foreign issue!

Fortunately, unlike the others, I am surrounded with foreign affairs and have more chances for the closer contacts; to which, it inspires and arouses the awareness of my identity and dignity of being who I am to prevent myself from losing in the misconception on buttering someone up and whose value is to cherish more of himself/ herself!

Here is another question just occured to me, if we are deeply affected by the education and values that given to us! (Even the emigrants who already move to other places, can't escape the influence of it) Then how about those places where people have been colonized?????

When a place is taken and occupied, the colonizer's first step is to destroy the language and the culture of its origin. That is how every colony has been through! First the language, then the religion power to input the different moality sense, then the system strucuture to take over the education and politics.

If one place is ruled by some other for a long time, will people might unconsicously think and act the way like its colonizer without realizing it?????? Even though, they have learned to be more aware of their identities and origins due to the self-oriented education the colonizer provides???Mm........

Good-hearted = Charity??

2007-01-02T17:48:00.000+08:00

Ginger's Story Time----What would you do if something like this happened to you?

An old lady over 80 years old, 82 years old actually! She carries a big bag of guavas and 3 little boxes of Strawberries, selling them around in a noodle shop. While she is walking from one table to another, she keeps repeating that she is 82 years old, promises that she won't lie about the quality of fruit, and asks people to help her out. Scenario like this, always associates with someone who is so old that might have a hunchback. Fortunately, this old lady is healthy enough to walk, though slow but steady. Her elder age doesn't get any sympathy from others and at last, she walks out of the shop, continues her selling at next stop!

Running into a situation like this, always put me to a state of awkwardness! The parodoxical good and evil angels would take all over my mind. The question revolves around me continues non-stoppingly "Should I or should I not?"

Most of the time, seeing the scene like this would just freeze me stiffly and the result would turn out to be nagative!

Here is my reason !! Conventionally, it is our family values to support our elders and let them stay home doing whatever they please without working outside. Due to the incredibly medical technology, we no longer regarding 60 year-old person an "Elder" because s/he might look too young and energetic to be taken as one. An 82 year-old lady still working outside selling stuff could be concluded with only certain possiblities!

One, she is forced to work by her children! (We've seen that all the time!) If she was able to bring home some money, she would be forced to work out again for more. So, to ease the deed from her children who neglect the age of their mother, we shouldn't help her???

Or, she hasn't been a good mother to her children, so they abandoned her and now, at the old age, she needs to work again to support herself. If in this case, it is too cruel not to help her out a little, right?

Last, she has a sad story and is forced by the unspeakable reason, so she needs to help out the household. So, it would again be my fault not to help out, right?

The above possibilities didn't let me to take side on the weaker part of the possibility and I turned the lady down with the worst possibility!

I, always feel guilty about that (Because my domestic education was all about being nice to people and others) ~~~ but because of the often-heard charity scam in Taiwan. We're trained to be extra cautious about the situation like this!

There are times, we'd rather donate our money to the well-known charity organization than someone who claims to be poor! (That's how I do!)

I think, I can never overcome the ambivalence of the situation like this, ever!!!
Still, I think, my decision will always turn to the more sensible and careful one!

Don't End up Living in the Ivory Tower with Only Imaginary Friends

2006-12-27T23:14:00.000+08:00

Tonight, I heard a story from the instructor in school. She told us that, one day, a worker in our school restaurant asked her about a man in white shirt. When our instructor asked her why she asked. She replied, "The man seems a bit quarky and always talks to himself!"

Continually, our instructor told us about his story that ----this man is a math professor. When he first came to our school to teach, he was only a Master degree teacher. After a few years, he decided to go to Germany for the Ph.D and broke up with his GF at that time. Because his GF thought it would be too difficult to get the Ph.D in Germany. It took him many years to get his degree and finally he was back again in campus to teach, but he was never as normal as before. Sometimes, according to our instructor, he would sit alone in the restaurant having his lunch or dinner, laughs or talks happily to himself.

Our instructor explained that, perhaps, he was too involved in his mathematic world that he forgot how to get along with people. If he could have paused a little bit more and looked around, he wouldn't have disconnected to the world around him and ended up alone all by himself in his middle age.

This is not just a sad story, but also a very retrospective one! Maybe I've mentioned before on my blog, how I am scared of the academic world with all fascinating things but might have forced people to sacrifice the youth and time and might end up alone without a family!

The academic paths for us here are quite different from the ones people have in Western countries! At least, from the part I've observed.

There are many people nowadays in Taiwan having Master degrees. Some of them got theirs abroad, some studied in Taiwan. But the qualities vary greatly from the reputation of schools and majors!

However, getting a Ph.D isn't an option for everyone who has a Master. Because it is difficult and many who get them will wait until they are older with a better finance! This only shows how poorly our government is to support the academic study! They would spend tons of money on the high speed train that isn't safe at all or the corrupted national health insurance, but wouldn't willing to help out those who are academic talented. Those who want to get Ph.D need, either to have rich parents or have to wait later on thier lean saving!

Their goals, then, will consume their energy on busing making money and when they finally able to realize their dreams, they would be too old to settle down.

You might wonder why they can't get married first, have families and then continue their studies?

It has something to do with our traditional conventions! Taiwanese conventional values are all about having better lives and making money!

Until now, many parents or either young people themselves would think that it is irresponsible to not making money, leaving your family aside and pursuing your dream in study. They don't find that realistic! They don't see the values of the academic studies, especially on Humanism and Art subjects. The ones that don't make profits.

Therefore, if someone is a Ph.D in Science, Bi0-Tech or Electronics. People would give off the admiration. But if you mentioned, you study in art history or history or like me, literature.

They wouldn't even have a clue about what your major is and how that could help you make more money!

So, the whole cultural background we're facing in Taiwan leave many who are pursuing their higher educations alone facing themselves with their studies and ended up either single forever or psychological mal-funcitoned!

Of course, they are fortunate ones that they have their partners by their sides to understand them and support them spiritually! But I would say, those are fewer and far between!

I, sometimes, asked myself, why I always fancy a life surrounded by books and academic study?

There was one story to this question!
When I was in high school, I had a classmate ( I studed in Catholic Girl's school.) Her parents were both professors in the same Univeristy teaching Geography! When she told me how her parents would do research together or how they've devoted in their studies. I was like, "Wow, that is the life I want!"

I really do, seriously! My parents were like many other else. Mom is a housewife, and Dad is a hard-working worker who works all his life in a rountine way!
I told myself, I ain't going to live myself like myself working on something that never gonna change. It is like a brain-dead functioning on something!

But, seeing a case like the math teacher in our school. I wonder how I would have the courage to continue my dream without a spiritual one around?

Merry Chrismas Everyone, and to ME TOO~~~

2006-12-25T22:43:00.000+08:00

Viola~Viola~ I got myself a X'mas gift---A digital Camera!
Well....that is just an excuse to shop around! It isn't even our custom to shop at the Christmas time!!
Anyway, I took a few photos of "this-silly-me!"
It is fun to play on different functions.

Seeing myself with my DAD in it~
(I always do! More like Dad than Mom)

Close up with my chubby face~~~
The lighting is nice though

Oops! Showing the ghost-like eyes.

Moving on to 2007

2006-12-19T01:43:00.000+08:00

Year has arrived

without the timing comes in sight.

Thus, I decided to pack you up and

place somewhere inside (me).

No regret for the loss of the time and

neither will I feel a stupid act to cite.

I will be carrying you in my heart as

a part in my life.

(Perhaps) one day, the timing will come and

everything will be right or other way around to

continue my life in a monologizing line.

Either way would be fine!

For I've tasted the bitterness with sweet buds

called,

Life~

2006-12-12T23:11:00.000+08:00

Waiting for the Full Moon

and

That is the Beauty of being a Crescent~

Artistic Kind of Sense

2006-12-09T20:47:00.000+08:00

Yesterday afternoon, I enjoyed a brief moment in Taching Wine Factory. They owned many forsaken barns, for which they allowed artists to exibit their artworks. Some barns are for free, some charge for the better facilities.

There, I took a short tour in appreciating a famous interior designer, Verner Panton's exhibition while waiting for Nick to open up their barn. Panton is an amazing designer who is bold and audacious about colors. The way he used color impressed me a lot. I really like vivid and warm colors and that's how he used them in the geometry patterns. I don't know much about him, but I learned that he designed funuture and space. He created this remarkable room with stripes in rainbow colors, like a facility that people would put in the arcade for children to explore and have fun. I didn't really know if the room was designed for the purpose to play in. But, I did enjoy myself jumping around in the space for the curved chairs and slanted curved sofa. That was so much fun!!!

The downside was that I didn't have a camera and the friend who went with me forgot to bring hers. So.........(This made me more determined to save some money to get one camera myself!)

Then.....there he was,

Name: Nick Chong
Age: 36 years old
Star Sign: Scorpio
Chinese Year: Pig

An amateur artist specializes in acrylic paiting and digital software.

(Don't know what acrylic really is, actually! Though I was the one to translate his biography)

Mindy took this photo, Nick tried to play cool in the way he was (which he never was) and I followed along, but failed to pretend to be cool and ended up with that constrained smile in me.

The paiting at the left was Nick's favorite. I couldn't remember how he named it. But I called it "Barbie." It was totally his imagination in the lucid figuration. A blode naked woman hung up in the crucified position. A prey in Nick's almighty altar!! (I've already told him about this!)
At the right, which he had sold out 4 copies was very mysterious and hallucinating. Not my favoite, but I like the warm colors.

Amateur photographer Nick had his own peculiar sense of angle. With my nostrils showing~~??? This one piece was interesting! Two hands are holding close for an eye pupil. It was very delicate, if people could take a closer look.

**There are other artists works showing in the same barn too. However, we were there for Nick, so we only took pictures with his works to show him respect.

One of the artists who is from England, he had this strange, and yet very post-modern idea putting lips on an orb. He cut hundreds or thousands of lips from fashion magazine and stuck them on the orb. Very cool, but I couldn't understand why? Also, another orb he made, he stuck hundreds of hands, also cut from the magazines I guess.
He had this extreme characteristic that his pencil sketch was
in a balanced symmetry, but the thing he put together was with the sharpe edges and pointed tips.
I mean, don't people usually consider something round or smooth to be the element for harmonious hues?
So, anyway, his work left a great impression! I liked the sketch he draw very much!

I think, everybody has her/is own artistic sense in her/is particular way and can express her/is idea uniquely. The only thing, I was wondering was; "How do people define plagiarism in art?"
People with ideas cherish their intelletual property! Words are put down become the best evidence to prevent the plagiarism, but artwork? I've seen some well-known artists in Taiwan share the similiar senses in their artworks. Even in this United Exhibition of Nick's, some other artists' works were so eye-familiar to me.
I don't know! If people could provide their reasons, or interpreted thier works in new senses, then perhaps, no such a problem would exist.

Alas ! Attraction !!

2006-12-04T22:56:00.000+08:00

I am sleeping with him tonight, but he doesn't know it yet!
<Samantha, Sex and the City>

I am so into you, but you don't know it yet! ------Ginger

One of My Favorite Song

2006-12-03T01:31:00.000+08:00

The One that makes me feel like a Bee in the Bubble

Fly Me to the Moon

****************************************************

Fly me to the moon

And let me play among the stars

Let me see what spring is like

On Jupiter and Mars

In other words hold my hand

In other words darling kiss me
Fill my life with song

And let me sing forevermore

You are all I long for

All I worship and adore

In other words please be true

In other words I love you

Shengri Kuaile, Hui-zhen ~

2006-12-02T02:21:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday to ME~

Stay-ing Yang and Sweet~

Happy Birthday to GINGER

A Woman with all but-------SPI-CY

A Complex Day

2006-11-30T22:14:00.000+08:00

It's a complex day, not because things were complicated but my feeling for the day was sort of with many feelings in it!

Very early this morning, I got a secret somehow with a dream that gave me a sign beforehand.
The secret turned out to be something that left me with puzzlement, feelings of uncertainty and ambiguity, but also some kind of excitement.

This happens to me a lots, which was, I always dream about something that would foretell the thing happen the next day or some days later. Of course, when I had the dream, even though I remembered the things or objects in it. I would never know what's gonna happen. However, I would prepare myself with cautious attitude and act more carefully! The dream was just giving me a sign of the main object, as to the scenario in the dream would always seem a bit irrelavent and making no sense at all.

Anyway, my mind was circling with that secret all day long! And had no outlet to realease my feeling. Because it is a SECRET~~~

Continue, the final settlement was certain for our CEO. She resigned from her position with everyone's expectation. A new team, including me, will take things over and help running this on-the-edge company.
Though, we grasp our chance, reported her, sent her away. I feel a bit sorry for her.
We knew well enough, she made her own bed to suffer all this. Still......I feel sorry for her.

The new-coming job worries me! My role will be different! Coworkers will see me differently!
How to carry out my power without affecting the old-happy-time-feeling with coworkers will be the first issue to face.
Tonight, when one coworker knew what I will be! His said this to me, "I am not afraid of you!"
What did that suppose to mean?
I am sure to be in the new team, but I don't know what I will be responsible for. Besides, nobody needs to be afraid of me! I don't bite! I will just do what I will have to do! I won't deny that I'll possibly favor those who get along well with me. So...... "I'm not afraid of you!"

????????? If this cowoker was on my black list, then I would definately take that as intimidating challenge! But....as always..... the flaw in my personality, I am very coward when it comes to the matter relate to people I care for. That's very strange!

Another thing that piled up my complex feeling was------
I finally gave in and broke the ice calling my mom. I don't have too much to say about this part.
Because every family has its own issue! My family has its too.
Acting cool to your own mom wasn't a winning gesture. Besides, I called first!!
I'll have my way to anybody I want to, and stay as cool as I want to be, cruel as I feel like to.
But, my mom is the only one that has the power to turn me into a whirl of turmoil or tornado!
And there is nothing I can do about it~

The one and only blissful thing today was talking to my PIGGY for the first time in about 6 months.
Piggy is my best friend since 13. (I won't say how long we've known each other!)
Why is she called, "Piggy"? Well, I am Piggy, too.
We call each other Piggy since we were kids. Stupid? I don't know!
She moved to States when she was 18. I still remembered how hard I cried! Ha~~~~~
Though, we don't email each other or MSN each other so frequently as the old time. (We are just two grown ups who are busying about our lives!)
But the feeling never change! The feeling that sustains our friendship!
She got married in States in April, I wasn't able to be there to say Congratulations. But........I'm sure, she knows in her heart that I am happy for her with all my heart.
She is in South Carolina. I have one good classmate in Ireland, UK.
Isn't that great! To have friends around the world that might help you with the potential stays in your future journeys. HAHAHA~~~~

You're the happy thing happened to me today, Babe Piggy~

When no body wants you to be the position that you are in!

2006-11-28T00:42:00.000+08:00

One of the thing that has occupied some of my time is the affair in the office of where I work.
Since I am the senior consultant in this language center, the affairs that go on in this center has always under my sincere concern. This workingplace has become one of my focus in life for about 4 years or so.

Couldn't remember when, but since I was the rookie, the CEO we have now has been working there. So, basically she has been there as long as I am.
However, she has never been a good leader ever since she took over the job, and has brought the center down to the very bottom with many never-been-able-to-solve problems.

Before, our recent manipulative rebellion started. I've made up my mind to leave this place for other work at the end of the year. So I wouldn't feel too insecure to worry about my living.

But as unpredictable as things always are! Our Personnel department director in the center had reported the situation to the board of directors and asked for the reform to save the center from being closed down. So, here we are, a group of present staff ready to take over the positions for the reformable actions.

Wow~~~ it was never in my plan to be included as a team member.
And it somehow gives me a drifted feeling that seems like floating on a boat with a beautiful image ahead, but no certainty future with success.

I am always a loner in my career. Maybe "Loner" is a harsh word. But, I mean, I am always my own master in my career. I get hourly pay working as a language consultant, only responsible for the clients I face to. I never is a member of a team nor am I a leader in any way.
I really prefer to work alone and be my own master of my performance. (Is it a selfish thinking?)
But, now, the situation has come to a point where I need to provide my opinion no longer as an information collector, but a member in a team who can be creative enough to help getting projects carrying on!
What a great responsibility! And I can't be sure if I had the ability to cooperate as a team member.

Somewhere in my heart, I still preserve the possibility of keeping a backup plan for myself in case the revolutional action might be thrown down with a more powerful force.

It's about Taiwanese business culture which people always have this invisible ranks in their hearts over the values of oneself could be.
A group of us without any powerful related backgrounds, we need a great entrusted power behind us to support us moving ahead.
( Because usually the higher positions holders always give seconds chances to people like them, but people lower than them!)

So, I am afraid, if the board of direcotors gives our CEO a second chance regardless her bad performance that goes on 4 years, then we will be dead very soon!

May God be with us and gives me the power to keep my faith to trust my team and believe in myself to be able to play a helpful role in the team !!!!

Do you celebrate the holiday, if you are not........

2006-11-27T01:56:00.000+08:00

Recently I am busy with many things, none of them are about anything academic, for which always have a place in my heart, but never get a chance to get myselft doing it. One thing that got me so excited these days was the Web TV. One of my coworker told us a website where we could go to and watch some channels from US., German and China without paying. Ha~~~~
(You need to pay the Web TV in Taiwan)

As a faithful TV person! I can't deny that I love to watch TV. I just love it so much.
TV or movie are very good ways to learn not just the news and information but also the cultures and politics, especially cultural issues.

I have been watching this web TV like crazy when I didn't have to work.
Last Thursday was the Thanksgiving Day, the whole holiday seemed more like a week thing in the US but a one-day holiday. Every channel was talking about Thanksgiving and the weekend that went with it. They talked about the Black Friday and Shopping fever.

That was crazy, compare to Taiwan. We have this crazily shopping fever goes on once in about 3 months. But the target comsumers will be the women. One time, I wanted to talk about this part on my blog, but then felt too embarrased to mention it. ( I am one of the crazy comsumers somehow, but can't bring myself to admit that)
Seeing the phenomenon in US, I think, what we do here are really no big deal !
How could people get up 5 in the morning to shop?
Why didn't we think of that? Will people be willing to get up so early to go shopping? (NO WAY)
There are always stores open 24 hours or long long hours a day. Why bother?

Anyway, this is totally not relevant to my topic.
Last Thursday, one day eariler than US time. Me and my coworker were sort of celebrating Thanksgiving after work in the office. There was no big dinner with a big big turkey on it! (We are Asians, we love Chickens better)
One of the coworker treated everybody the red wine and some other provided the nice biscuit and snack. We were drinking happily and wished people "Happy Thanksgiving."
But the thing was, we were Taiwanese! Why bother wishing each other that?
In fact, we were just getting together to gossip and the night happened to be Thanksgiving and so....... we just followed the flow to say something that didn't mean anything to us.
What's more was, I never really realized that "Thanksgiving" is US thing. Canadians celebrate theirs in October, but November. The strange thing was, my canadian coworkers still celebrating the holiday with people from the same country! ( I guess, they feel lonely as foreigners in Taiwan and just use the holiday to get together with their country people.)

Taiwanese are like that, too. We celebrate Holloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those are not out holidays, since no-body-knows-when, people stop celebraing many of our country holidays.
We celebrate US holidays. About 2 years ago, people start celebraing St.Patrick Day.
What has that to do with us? That's probably not American holiday, but Canadian!

The only holiday that is ours and we care so much is the Chinese Valentine's Day! Because we celebrate Western holiday as well. People in Taiwan celebrate 2 lover's day a year.
How FRUSTRATED for those who are single??

The possible reason why people stop celebrating our traditional holidays has something to do with Politics. Everything has something to do with politics in Taiwan.
Since we are now governed by a party which wishes Taiwan to be indepedent. Those politicians are trying hard to erase the things that will relate us to China. And for many of our old holidays, they are the serious holiday try to remember some of the great leaders.
It is sad that, some of them were considered the great national heroes in the history books when I was a kid. But now, they are criticized for putting Taiwan in a position that would never able to recover to an international status.

Why I said "sad" was just an expression! It didn't represent my feeling in anyway.
The older I grow, the more I understand, I start to believe that many thought-to-be-true historical reality or facts were in fact a fabricated facts edited by the invisible controler to know how to manipulate the audience.
I forget what theory I read! But I am sure about what I say now.
It is so scary~~~~~~
Nothing from the Media should be trusted by people with entire hearts because the purpose behind the screen contains something beyond our believes.

Well... it's enough for today. I am going back to watch my web TV.
I'll screen the media authenticity myself!

Girls Watch Out

2006-11-19T04:19:00.000+08:00

What do you provide?
A comfy love or passionate love?
If you provide a comfy love, you're in a safety net.
If you burn your love with passion, it might lead you to death.

A Smothered Bond

2006-11-18T02:46:00.000+08:00

A Smothered Bond

*****************************************

Do not fancey the bliss bond!

For our fate has doomed to become.

I can't make you to meet my needs,

nor can I betray myself to reach your expertise!

Being your colone with a life ahead that leads to a different end.

Two tracks that never run across, though, still believing, one day,

they will run on the same path, on a different time base.

What should I do to continue the lineage

without

letting myself drown in the illusioned myth?

It's never about a winning game!

But a telephathy that has been diconnected from

the moment

I fought hard for a second chance.

Could the blasphemous love I offend be the doom to the love I try to obtain?

Passing the Bedtime

2006-11-13T00:50:00.000+08:00

**************************************************************

Thinking of you and following my heart

Calling you "Babe" and falling hard

Mind drifting away with bubbles picturing the lovely buds

Happily wishing, one day, they will blossom large

Let them be red, let them be blue,

let them be whatever color that'll fulfill me full

It's you ! It's you ! It's you !

I'm seeing you in my eyes and seeking myself through you

**************************************************************

你輕輕的囈語,帶給我一天的好心情~

2006-11-11T16:32:00.000+08:00

或許你所問的問題並沒有特別的意思, 但是它卻留下了無限的可能性~~
我因為你無心的一個問題, 激起心中無限的漣漪
希望此漣漪可以波波相連, 變成火花, 燃起你心中的愛~
讓我所願成真!!!
Let us pray, and may GOD bless us~

Can't Sleep!

2006-11-06T02:43:00.000+08:00

Agnosticism

***********************

How should I know who's the target to be?

Is there a mark? Some sort of coincidence? Or my heart to follow?

From thousands passer-bys,

with endless sparkles that shine, who will be one to lit the fire?

The fire not be the fire that rocks, nor the one that flames hard,

but the fire that'll last forever!

How could I activate the power?

Will two souls draw to each other like Yin and Yang?

Or will they flow naturally into one like a big band river?

Who controls this power of mystique?

Or does it simply act on its own out of the nature's order?

Life is as agnostic as Agnosticism is to be~

Vicky's last Day

2006-11-03T13:33:00.000+08:00

Don't know why people change their jobs so often, we've been saying farewell to people every month. Many business change incredibly fast in Taiwan, no one is willing to give her/is job a try to see how far and well it might be developed into! The whole business ecology in Taiwan gives people a great pressure to success in a short time, so it isn't difficult to meet someone who might have been in different fields as a salesperson, but s/he could hardly know the essense of the business s/he was into.
This is Vicky, once, our sales representative. We are both Sagittarius and share a lots in common. Sometimes, I just tell people how I should be less candid and genuine to the new comers because when you started getting close to them, they are about to say "Goodbye."
Of course, that's how life is all about! You carry on your own with your friendship with them survive somehow in other forms. Maybe not as close as before, but definately goes on with the good memories you've built. Also, you will continue your life meeting new people and be their friends.

Tall Vicky is about 5 feet 9. I have to wear 3 inches high heels to get close to her.

She complaint about her round face and thought it would look smaller by pulling her face a bit distance from mine.

This is Miya Jan. A man with a good nature and is very romantic. He bought a bouquet of flowers to Vicky to say good bye to her.

But, a moment slipped away! He has turned into a BIG BAD WOLF~
(Sgebe Miya Jan, dirty Japanese man)
Many behaviors of him could have become a potential harrassement lawsuit in Western culture. Ha~~~
I once threaten to cut his finger off!
Though, I know most of his behaviors are harmless.

Nick Chong and Me.
Born in States, Father is Chinese, Mother's ancestry from Spanish and Phillipine. Nick looks either Chinese nor Phillipino.

I am wondering how people adopt their identities, if their parents are from totally irrelevant cultural backgrounds.
Do they adopt their mothers or fathers?

I think, they should adopt both!
But when I asked Nick the question.
He said, he doesn't have an identity.
He is always like that! Being a thick-faced and making bad jokes about himself.
Sometimes people asked him why he is an American, because their sterotype is Americans are either Black or White.
Nick would say, he is a mutt. I know how unpleasant it sounds and I can't deny sometimes I name him with it. But it is the thing I have with Nick, and he wouldn't take it personally!

Feeling Obligated to But Unable to

2006-11-01T00:55:00.000+08:00

I was occupied by different things around me recently that kept me away from spending time on my blog! The primary event was one family issue that still now ongoing. My brother and I were against my mom for the decision she made. Since my mom only has me and my brother, she has no ally to support her and my dad is the issue we were arguing about. But it is too private and so I have no intention to talk about that here.

Also, I am reading an incredibly long novel called, "Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norell by Susanna Clarke." It is a long novel over 1000 pages and is known as one of the best magician books after Harry Potter. The writing style is more like Gothic and Jane Austine. So, I think it might take me forever to finish the book.
I am curious about the story and have made up my mind to find out what it is about!
I love reading stories or knowing stories or even just listening to them. (Perhaps I was destined to be a literature major!) The only flaw of me reading stories is that I never remember the name of the book or the author or even the names of the characters well. But I can definately tell the same story over and over again without missing the great parts. I know~~~
My dad is the one that helps develop my interest over literature (story). Still remember when audio books weren't that many or popular, I was like 3 0r 4. I had many cassettess that told stories. (Please excuse me for blahing away)

You know, that's the thing~
Not posting stuff on my blog makes me feel a bit anxious! That's what commitment is about. Before I opened this blog, I spent a few days considering in every way and asked myself question why I needed a blog in my life. And finally, I gave myself a simple reason: so I could get a place to whine~~Ha~No, actually, I was thinking about using it to practice my English. (Am I?)

Well, commitment... when you commit to something, it would become part of you, either part of your responsiblity or part of your life that needs your nourishment to make it alive.
That's why I always think carefully before commiting to something. Such as, signing a signature; when you sign one, it means you have to responsible for what you do and can't not change your original purpose of doing it!
Or like, attending a course you choose for youself. (I tried not to be too capricious on the attendance, but I skipped tonight!)

Anyway, I'm here typing away, instilling my life on this blog with a little spirit of me.
I got a new hair cut that I've been showing it off to people. But I don't know how to downsize the file of the photos and can't post them on the blog. Last Friday, they held a Holloween Party in the language center where I worked. Those clients and I were like crazy taking pitures around in different wierd poses. Everyone (not me) has a digital camera to practise their skills with. In different angles, settings and postures. Ugly but fun~

While other people are devoting their lives to the academic knowledge or the issues of Politic or Economics or even working hard to make money.
I am the one that wandering around with nothing productive at hand!
A dead woman walking alive!

Digging My Own Grave--- I Have a Confession to Make

2006-10-22T22:18:00.000+08:00

I got involved in something that I shouldn't have. If I knew thing would turn out like this, I wouldn't have let the secret out!!!
It was all because of my curiosity. If I wasn't being so curious and digged the secret out with Vicky~~~
Now I feel sorry for Miss J.
From her story, I've assumed that she had finally seen through what she had been into and could start her new life again.
But the thing is that she hasn't quite seen through what happended and still stuck in it.
I think, the only solution to the question relies on Time for the answer!!
No one can really help her but herself!
I really hope she can get better soon.
And I'm really sorry for being too inquisitive~~

The Devil Wears Prada, Were We All Born with Materialistic Genes?

2006-10-20T01:10:00.000+08:00

On Wednesday night, in my Chinese Teaching class, we heard something from our teacher mentioned about how 'Jelly' is banned in the list of Priests' food. Because when Jelly trembles, it gives away an implication image of women's buttocks.
Can anybody believe that? I do~
It tells that we, human beings, were born with desires. When our basic desire needs are fed. We search for something greater to fulfill the desires, some choose spirituality over materialism or vice versa.

Metrial satisfaction is a great tempting goal that many of us are reaching hard for.

Tonight, I went to the movie theater seeing, "The Devil Wears Prada."

I don't know why I always feel like to talk more whenever I saw a movie, but my guess is that, a movie is like a graphic book projecting the essense of what books are trying to tell. Although, we can appreciate beautiful sentences when reading a book, but by watching the movie, with the way the director leads the audience, we can pretty much be struck with the same feeling as when we read the books. (Okay, I know, how much it souds like I try to find myself an excuse for not reading books~)

I'll skip the summary of the movie here. But, overall, I was thinking the ending of the moive that how many women can walk away and give up a job that provides a million chances for a brighter future ahead in the fashion world like Andy Saches was in (The character in the movie)?

It is true that many of us take spiritual fulfillment as the primary center of life. Thinking that how we should make our souls smarter than others!
But the realistic part of the world is, without the glamorous looking and clothing, you would have been turned down already by many opportunities that might provide you with a better future.
People view your appearacne first then your brain! With a pretty look, you would have successfully made your first step to your dream in life.

I don't know how serious the materialitic values affects Western world? Because, westerners who are in Taiwan appeare to be a group of people that only care about enjoying their lives and fulfill them with music, art and recreation! More spritual-oriented than us Taiwanese.

In Taiwan, we are deeply influeced by the value of Materialism. I couldn't recall how many times, a bunch of us, older 20 somethings were talking about the values of those young 20 somethings and teens.

Our new generation is audacious in enjoying their lives with the expensive brand names on them. They haven't start making the livings yet to know how difficult and competivie the society is now in Taiwan. However, they have started using the money from their parents to beautify their lives and are not afraid of doing so. Sometimes, I couldn't deny that I was impressed by how well their senses of tastes were. They know how to dress up to their own styles, wear the perfect makeups that cover all the blemishes on the face, great at doing their own hair styles and very opinionated on the ways thier lives should be. I am talking about both male gender and female gender.They do know and care much about thier looks and understand the importance of one's appearance to the opportunity that society might have provided.

However, this overly emphasize on one's appearance has made our new generation neglect their absorbency in knowledge and forgot that the key to success requires more than one's look.
I am sure that tourists from other countries in Taiwan would be shocked by our young people wearing not only the brand names but many of them carry a brand name purse or handbag.
You would have no idea how scary it is to see LV, Cucci, Prada, CD flying around in not only in the fancy restaurants but the supermarkets and in schools.
Of course, many of them carry piracy ones. Sometimes, I would stop and wonder how many of them were really from rich families and how many of them were not.
(We do have many rich people in Taiwan, but most people are not~)

Perhaps to some people around me, they would consider me as the 'somehow' material girl. The thing is that who would want to look old, dress poorly at my age? I can't deny that I have a wardrobe to let out my secret desire, but I bought them with the money I earned not from my parents ~~~ Besides, I do care about feeding my head with food from time to time.

Another interesting issue that movie brought up is that: Is it neccessary to turn your back on someone for the success?
At some points, I think, YES~~~
Though the movie euphemized the ending with a friendly gesture, but I think, when people are on their ways to the better chances, there are times that you have to give up or sacrifice something, someone at some points.

Why do we desire something that is always hard to get?

2006-10-16T23:45:00.000+08:00

I read an article from magazine today talked about how people's brains would produce 'Dopamine' when people craved for something they wanted. This chemical from brain would excite people to focus on hunting down their goals. Moreover, when some barriers occured keeping people from reaching their goals, brains would release more 'Dopamine' and which would enhance people's concentration on thier goal-huntings! This articale ended up with a conclusion explained why some women always craved for men that were already in relationships and vice versa, men were like that as well~

An object that is hard to get but makes people craving to death~~

I am thinking, could this craving for something or someone that is hard to get , merely be the curiosity of people?
The objects that arouse people's curiosity, but the feeling be mistakenly taken as the attraction?
So, for those who desire other people's BFs or GFs; could they only feel curious about other people's seem-to-be-good partners, but be attracted to?

It is quite possible because according to the ariticle, it mentioned that when the 'Desire' took place, brain would become irrational to keep people away from considering the realistic aspect. Since the chemical would make your brain superfocus on the things you are pursuing! It blinds the practical aspects of things that could be obvious to observe around you.

People get confused with their curiosity to the feeling of attraction that could produce something else such as lust and love.

Mmm.........interesting~~~~
I am haunted by this question my friend gave me. Still seeking an answer to it~~~ Not yet knowing a better way to put it down it words!

(Oh! Why do I always need more time to express myself in words?)

Chinese Teaching---Practice Two

2006-10-13T00:45:00.000+08:00

I've been attending the Chinese Teaching extension course in school for 4 weeks now. So far, I'm still learning the Chinese Pinyin (Spelling). Don't know if our teacher will share more of her Chinese teaching experience?

Practice 2---What's your name?

**Fu Xi (Review)**

1. Wo (I/my/me)
2. Ni (You/your/your)
3. Ta (She/her/her--He/his/his)

**Sheng Zi (New Words)**

1. sheme (what)
2. mingzi (name)
3. jiaozuo (called)

**Ju Xing (Sentence Pattern)**

1. Ni jiaozuo sheme mingzi?----------What is your name?
Wo jiaozuo Ginger. ----------------------I am Ginger.

2. Ta jiaozuo sheme mingzi?-------- What is his/her name?
Ta jiaozuo Huizhen.-----------------Her name is Huizhen.

3. Wo jiaozuo sheme mingzi? ---------What is my name?
Ni jiaozuo Ginger. -------------------Your name is Ginger.

A "New" Ending to~~~~~

2006-10-10T17:23:00.000+08:00

The Ocean Blue

****************************************************************

Isla Ku, the Beautiful Blue

Where I long to be to refresh new

But it has a past that no one knew

The more I get to know it, the more, the truth to find not cute

Though it is waiting for the timing to reboot

Still the news makes me feel blue

Beautiful Blue, Beautiful Blue

May you always be one, which beauty stays in forever blue!

_______________________________________________________

P.S. The reasons I took this post off were because I was still considering the ending line and some words in it. Also I wasn't so sure about the words "Isla Ku" and its meaning. I did this piece of work out of a sudden feeling. I did try to look it up in the dictionary though. I just couldn't put something down in words that I wasn't so sure about~~ :)

Maybe I was right about what I thought though~

Self-recognition, Self-Values and Personal Identity

2006-10-10T15:44:00.000+08:00

As usual, I hung out with co-workers after work and came home late at night!
Also, like before, we were gossipping others, ourselves and events that happened in the company. And.....again, I felt that there was something I want to express but couldn't say before them.
Getting along with people requires a great technique concerning one's EQ and IQ! You have to decide what you can share and what you can't in order to keep the friendship going.
While we were sharing our studies, Jess made a comment that my major wasn't realistic and unpractical. It was probably true that using a literature major to make one's own living couldn't be much a help. But, I knew how it would enrich my spiritual life and how being a theoretical mind could help me to know myself more.
From our conversation, I realized that people, either men or women are all successively trying hard to find their own places, their own values.

Men were born as a more priviledge gender and have no identity problem for being males. Once the gender identification is clear, what they need is the recognition from the society.
Some search for their own identification and self-values through Politics and compete between themselves for a higher, more respectable status in the society.
Some others are seaching their through a different way.

Like Donny, my potential gay co-worker. I've known him for 4 years and never one day had doubt that he could be gay.
Being homosexual in Taiwan is not like one being in Western country. Especially, if you were born as a male gender that people expected you to be family-responsible for carrying on the family lineage. Even working in a open-minded place like we do, Donny has never admitted in any way around that he is gay. But from the time we shared, all evidence has pointed him with this very inclination.

He is now a graduate student in Tourism. He said, he'd like to do the research on 'The traveling patterns for those who are homosexual! and How they would consider their destinations when going on vacations?'

Also, he talked about how he always felt short when competed with others that were graduated from the universties abroad! (I feel the same way, too! It is all about working-ecology we have here in Taiwan. Taiwanese who graduated from the universities abroad have better chances to get higher hourly pay and they somehow despise people like us. Because we learn our English in Taiwan and have no experience study abroad)

Then, our conversation difted off to one of our coworker, who was from India, but he told our clients that he was from England. How pathetic!
Why couldn't he be honest to who he really was? He has dark skin and most of the time people here recognize him as a Black.
He wasn't the only case, I know. Like what I've mentioned before, there were some Taiwanese coworkers of mine who told people either they were from America or Canada.

Maybe our people who study English in the language center don't know much about western cultures, even though they were all so rich to have been to many countries in the world. But their myth about foreigner in Taiwan are still believing that they are all from the well-developed western countries. Someone like my Indian coworker could have be looked down if he told people he was from India. So, I couldn't judge too much about why he hid his identity.

There were many times when people asked me how I'd learned my English. They thought that my English was good and didn't have much accent compare to others.
When people asked me that, I would start struggling in my heart. I know well, they believe people couldn't have spoken good English if they didn't study abroad. But the thing was I never did. Still, I would tell them the truth that I never had studied abroad. When they got the answer, they would ,first, be surprised and asked me how I'd done that, then there was this paltry, tiny reaction coming out from their eyes that made me felt uncomfortable and very insecure. The thing is, I can't face myself if I denied myself with the part that I really am. I'm proud of how I am even though I never had the experience that people expected.

It is the same as Donny, he is working hard and studying hard in trying to prove to others that he is smart and capable of things as the way he is.

Everyone deserves to be happy and feels content of who s/he is!
Many people are trying hard to recognize themselves without realizing that!
To those who are self-conscious enough to their own identification, are still in the soul-searching quests for a never end.

Brain Dead

2006-10-09T01:53:00.000+08:00

Being brain productive isn't something I've accomplished recently. My mind is always somewhere else when I'm teaching, talking to friends or people around me. What was I thinking about really? For example, I was thinking about what to post on my own blog? When I had a topic or thing that I would like to say in my mind, I started thinking how I should construct it into a piece of article, then many times the things just went nowhere because somehow, I decided the thing that I was thinking in my mind wasn't rich enough or boring to talk about. But it is my blog, you know~~~ Couldn't I just post things I want without worrying about others?
Then, it's that I tried read some books recently! But I just couldn't focus on the one I was reading and my mind would flow away from the lines I was reading from the books, it would lead to another string of thinking related to the lines or not even related~~~
Anyway, I feel that I am sort of stupid lately.
The only thing I've accomplished is filling up my wardrobe with the all kinds of items I purchased these days.
Cosmetics, clothing, accessories, more cosmetics, bags and shoes.......
I was literally becoming a shopaholic~~~~~Gee~~~ (But if I am, then maybe all women are shopaholics!)
It is really like an addiction. But it didn't make me feel any happier or fulfilled, I feel very empty and think I need more items for different purposes.

While women in some countries are still taken as men's properties or in some others, women couldn't even reveal their looks by convering up with veil.
Women in Taiwan are way luckier! We are treated with less sexual discrimination. Maybe some countrysides, some men still have conservatives concepts about women. But, generally speaking, women are treated fairly well as one gender. But something else has became a burden of being a woman.
How to always stay young and spicy women? Many women are so beautiful here~ Higher percentage of women are becoming more self-conscious and knowing they deserve things better by pampering themselves with all differents treatments. They keep their figure fit ~~~Doing SPA, working out~~~ Doing yoga. They all eager in learning the tips of fashion on how to dress up into different styles.
Walking on the streets in Taipei or Taichung. What you will see are lots of hot spicies with great stylish outfits and creative fashion senses.
Such an competitive environment has made women become their own competitors on the gender issue.
Often time, I just feel myself being bulky and ugly among them!
It is not like that I didn't do anything to make myself a better looking. It is just that being in such an competitive environment, you'd never able to top on someone else because the fact is that you're getting older day after day.
It becomes a vicious circle somehow that you're pursuing a goal without an end.
I'd better give myself some time to do or read something and try to be productive in mind!
Or else I would have to change the title of this blog into something else~