Angus asked me when I would post my love for him on my blog! I laughed hard about it when he mentioned that!! There were times when he asked me "What I love about him?" Which I didn't have an asnwer for!! I think, I love him! I know I do, or I am not sure that I don't.
Love seems like an ethereal and intagible abstraction that makes you happy and confused! When the two of you are happy at some moment, love is all around you and you are sure it is there. But when you start thinking hard on the future life that you gonna build base on the love you thought you already had, then you aren't so sure love is there and how much you have in your heart anymore!
We have been discussing every possible change in our future life. There are topics like-----Where to live? It is obvious we can't live apart, though I love Taichung so much, he gets better income in Taoyuan. Also, we've decided to pay more visits to each other's family before they meet up! And, my dream on my PH.D that becomes not just my personal goal to reach anymore, he is now involved in my consideration! However, it leaves an end that somehow grows an insecure feeling in my Angus that he is afraid that it might drift us apart because I might run into and fall for someone who is academic intelligent and brilliant and that happends to my kind of Mr. dreamy. Since, Angus and I are vaired in many levels!
So, here it is...The more we talk, the bigger the question mark appears and flutters in my head, hovers my brain with questions over and over again!! Do I really love this man? Is he the right one? Is he my meant-to-be? What am I thinking about? What was in my mind when I made up my mind about this marriage plan? How sure am I to this? How many married women had once had second thoughts on their choices on the papers?
I've told myself a thousand time, even before my decision on this, that I will never get married with a tiny sense of hesitation in it! But now, I am not so positive and certain about the promise I made for me. I think, to entrust one's happiness on another isn't a simple 'yes' or 'no' question. It is a pretty intricate analysis!
I haven't mentioned what exactly did the Shaman said about me. This famous shaman that my mom went to for family matters fortold a wonderful marriage in me and Angus. For that, I took it as a good sign to our relationship and thought that I should give it a try! Superstitious or not? Maybe, maybe not!
I have my reason for what I've dicided!
Originally, my thought in this relationship was to be together for about a year or two before considering the possibility of marriage without kids in it! Because I am medical-proven possible reproductive-challenged. I just wanted to be loved and enjoyed the love feelings. I didn't think too much in this realtionship!
Then..........He said:" I want to settle down earlier and my mom likes you. " Which is very importantto me. Besides, his family seems merrier and more harmonious than mine. And, there came that prediction of the Shaman.
I just want to grasp this chance which I don't know if I missed it, how long will I need to wait for the next one to come. I know the pressure that I am about to face is to have babies and for that I have no power in control. It is his obligation as the elder son in traditional Taiwanese family, though he is being very supportive and asks me not to worry too much about it!
Marriage, as I believe, will enrich and fulfill a woman's life that might bring her extensive life experience even though, the enternal marriage isn't expectable these days. I have this postive outlook on marriage's benefit to women nomatter what the consequence might be.
That's it! I have come to one turning point in my life path and I am giving it a try! Take my chance !
And Honey! I love you!