To those who still working hard on becoming mothers, I sincerely hope their wishes be granted sooner!! It's unspeakable hard to go through every step that requires! With supports of men or not, it's not something men can totally understand. Looking back to the beginning of my quest of conceiving, I realize no matter how difficult and painful it was, not even mattered how strangely methods people suggested, dreadfully tiring feeling vanished as soon as you found out you were pregnant.
"It's all worth it in the end!" like those before me had said.
I am an expecting mom in 23 weeks!! I am looking forward to seeing my baby with all my heart.
One's fate lies in one's hand! That's certainly true~ Because my personality had many times troubled me with unneccessary worries.
Take this time surgery for example: I was pretty evasive about laparoscopy before because the fallopian tubes are right next to the ovaries and and I was afraid I would be mistreated, since too many mispractices had occured out of doctors' carelessness or laziness.
My mom was an innocent victim under this circumstance. Back in 2005, she was under a surgery to lift up her bladder and to remove her uterus. Because not only these 2 organs had aged but also sunk by gravity and inflexibility. To our surprise was that some time after the surgery, my mom went to another doctor to consult something else. The sonograph showed that one of her ovaries was gone.
My mom said, she didn't recall agreeing to have her ovaries removed. My brother was very angry about this. Even though, my mom is already into her menopause, still there is no reason having healthy organ removed. So, why did the doctor do so?
It's not hard to understand!! Our national insurance have many flaws and one of them is that every surgery costs a price and the hospitals get refund from our government based on the insurance policies. It's all about money!! The evil doctor just thought my mom was over reproductive age and she no longer needed her ovary.
That's what stirs my catatonic nerve~~~
But just to think of the possibility of losing my ovaries like my mom did really drives me crazy!! One worries me further more is that my fertility doctor and the doc. who did this surgery were schoolmates. They are friends and know each other's family. What if one covers for the other?
In oder to calm my nerves down and to stop the nonsence, I visited a female gyno next my apartment. I told her my worries and she checked me right away!
I am fine~~~
The black voids I saw from my post-surgical follow-up check were not my ovaries. They were the voids where my tubes supposed to be.
I am totally relieved now!!
All I can say is I am under a super big stress to have a baby for the family. I have to exclude the elements that might block my way to motherhood.
The body surface recovers well on me. Only some twinges still occur from time to time! I guess it takes more time to heal inside.
After the tapes were removed, I got to see how the wounds are like. If I stand in front of the mirror, the incision on my navel is hardly seen. Only that my navel was shallower then, now my belly button seems deeper.
The 2 incisions on the sides, on the other hand, are much more obvious. From the whole, they are rather small comparing with the fatty belly I have. But when I look at them from a sitting position, they simply reveal the ugliness.
Because the ectopic P was on the left, the scar on my left side was bigger. The scar tissue healed off as a round and bean-like shape. I hate to touch because I would have the urge to scratch it.
The right one is much smaller and narrower, but still feel bumpy in hand touch.
The worst thing is they are not on the levarage. One is higher than the other one!
What if I want to wear bikini and one scar is not inside the cover?
I guess the doctors don't care about this issue~~ My doctor didn't even think I needed to use any cosmetic tape. They have absolutely no idea how important it is to women to have no scars.
One thing that I think is good is my belly fat~
When I received my first IVF treatment, I needed to give myself shots on my belly. I was pretty happy that I had fat around the belly. Because I didn't feel much pain, the needle could only reach the fat level under the skin.
If I were someone thinner with no fat. I guess it would have caused lots of pain into the muscle.
This time, the incisions after laparoscopy, I was thankful again to my belly fat.
Because my belly was so round and fatty, I didn't feel much tearing pain when I walked or moved.
The fat probably stuck together automatically right after the operation was performed. The fat might have been so sticky that it left no room and so the skin could have healed so quickly.
I hope I can feel better soon from inside and have my normal life back. Walking my dog .....etc.
A stupid statement? I know....how stupid it sounds~
I can't hide how depressed I am though.
Last Monday, I was admitted to the hospital for the next morning surgery. The decision was made in the haste. I was seeing the doctor for the follow-up check about my HCG which had been causing a great panic for a whole week. I was hoping to hear the good news about the MTX effect, but the embryo didn't seem to cave whatsoever, it rose even higher up to 819.44.
The whole thing went back to July 21, when I recieved the ET, the second try to conceive.
The ET procedure went much better than IVF, since I didn't need to get plenty shots for egg-retrieving.
All I did this time was watching out for the ovulating time and visited doc, then the doctor simply chose a date to do the FET. 4 were placed.
After that, I waited impatiently for 14 days for the result. Patience seemed to be an impossible virtue. Coun't wait the result to be announced. This time I'd decided not to wait until the 14th day. I secretly used HPT to get the result without telling my husband.
Suprisingly, it showed a very very light pink line. I tried not to say a word and I performed it again the next morning, a little bit stronger light pink, but still light. My very first time!!! I had never been pregnant before~~
My husband had noticed my getting-up-too-early behavior and wondered why, after I showed him the stick with 2 lines. He burst out tears~~~I didn't.
The joy of possible parenthood didn't last long, on the 15th day the spotting showed. Light orange. I was told not to think too much but needed to be more cuatious.
The 21st day, the transvaginal ultrasound couldn't see the sac and the HCG test wasn't good enough. They told me to wait for another 7 days. Sometime it grew slow, they said.
On 23th I was admitted to the ER because I bled a lot. The inexperienced Intern Gyno said, he saw the sac and told me not to worry too much.
Until then I had no idea the embryo had landed the wrong spot!!!!
The reason I got the heavier flow was caused by a shrieking spasm through my tail bone.
It lasted for hours and I thought it was because of my old wound. I was wondering why my tail bone nerve pain came back to me after so long. The continual spasms ended up with the flow and I thought I lost it!!
On the 6 week of my pregnancy, the sac was still missing!! HCG test result went down to 200 sth. The spotting didn't stop~~
Natural miscarriage was to be expected ~~ the doc said.
I should stop taking Utrogeston and should have returned for a follow up check up after the flow ended.
Right after stopping the Utrogeston, the flow went heavier, but it didn't turn heavy enough as it supposed to be. Just unlike what I had before.
32rd day, the tail-bone spasms came back again, it lasted a whole night this tims.
On Auguest 23rd , I was admitted to the ER again~ only this time I went to a nearby hospital not where with a 50 minutes drive away in Taipei.
I was taken to the hospital by the paramedics with an ambulance. Because the pain was so great I couldn't even stand up. 3 pain-killer shots, 2 blood tests, 1 intra drip. A night with horrifying pain~ The pain-relieving shots were too strong and I cough for days.
I told the ER doc my condition, told him I received ET on July 21st and was in a state of the natural miscarriage. (Somehow my husabnd mistakenly told the paramedics that I might be having the ectopic pregnancy. Was that a 6th instinct or what, I dunno!!)
The ER arranged a Gyno to see me. It was the one I thought I would go to after the end of the miscarriage. Because I thought the second failure might had something to do with the hydrosalpinges I had.
I knew I had to cut the tubes, only that I wanted to get a second opinion!!
So, that's how coincident it was, the one on the duty that night was the doctor I was hoping to seek the opinion for.
I told him my medical history!! He decided to run another HCG test and asked me to return the same week on Friday.
Auguest 27, the HCG result from 23rd was 285.
Weird enough!!! On the 6th week of my pregnancy was 200sth. after 7 days, it was 285.
How was that possible? I asked the doctor. Everything was possible he told me.
Another blood test was suggested. On 27th, another blood test was run.
I returned the next day.
The HCG rose up to 750. From 23th to 27th, the HCG rose from 285-750.
It was a Saturday, the doctor gave me a MTX shot to abort it.
I should return earlier for another blood test after 2 days on Monday.
Even higher, MTX didn't work~~HCG was up to 819.44.
I can't tell how panic I was. I was feeling chills on my spine!!!
I was hoping I would never need to confront the hydro problem.
With the hydrosalpinges I had, and the apparent the ectopic pregnancy I was in.
Doctor suggested I got it over with all together. He said he could have given me aother MTX but I would have needed to fix the hydro problems anyway after this.
I was forced to confront my bilateral hydro earlier~~
The surgery this time takes longer time and I was under a full anesthesia with a tube in my mouth that sounded horrible.
It was good that the hospital physicians and nurses kept confirming the surgery I was taking with me. Their SOP could show how much they cared not to make any mistakes.
However, it was just too much to be told how I was going to be placed with a tube in my mouth and how painful I might be feeling after I woke up.
The one thing that broke my nerves was that my doctor was late. He was in a meeting and left his cell in his office. I was held up in my bed for about an hour while nurses were calling him.
Totally not okay~~~~
The same night, I was expecting his visit from my ward and it was this close that he might miss again.
I had no idea why he became so evasive after the surgery. Although he told me everything was done as our discussion. One side was taaken out, the other side was cut off.
I was feeling so insecure about what he did. Still I told myself he was well-known in this hospital and there was no reason why someone like him would want to ruin his own reputation.
A 41 day disaster finally stepped off stage on August 31st~~~
That's so scary and from then, I haven't yet been able to bring up the courage to step into the temple to lit up a candle.
Saying that, after 3 months of rest and reboost, with that ticking clock tailing behind my back, I pressed down the button making appoitnment with my doctor this morning inquiring the second round.
I asked about the tube-cutting surgery, the blood test results from the last time process which I had never been informed of and several small questions; such as, "How much can caffeine affect?" "How long should one stay in bed?" "How serious can retroverted U's effect to the egg placement?"
"Should I take this Vita or that?"
No,no,no,no....were the answers to the above.
My hormone blood tests were fine! The only big problem that needs to be fixed is my tubes.
The retroflexed U causes no impact whatsoever.
Caffeine determines nothing! One cup of coffee a day won't chip your baby away.
So, I have no plan in changing my tea habit.
That's rather strange because many dicussions from forums of infertility in Taiwan strongly recommend caffeine-free pregnancy, organic food diet.
Before I went, I maneuvered the conversation and the questions. I thought about getting the surgery first, so I could remove the factor that might jeopardise the foetus.
I read from a book saying that hydrosalpinge lower the chance of IVF, while the ratio of successful IVF only reaches 20-30%.
It seems wiser to cut the tubes first, but to cut them off is like cutting of all hope of motherhood.
Ah~~~it is so tough!!
I was told to check in the hospital in the early morning at 10 for collecting my eggs. It was just a one-day operation,so no hospitalization was required.
Although it was rather a small surgery, a full-body anesthesia was needed. It was my second time in the operation room since last August. I wasn't nervous at all.
Report to the counter, filled in the forms they requested, put on the surgical outfit, waiting patiently at the waiting area with my mom and husband.
Before I went in, one patient was pushed out to the recovery area, a doctor was talking to her husband, annoucing the bad news of egg-collecting.
We didn't mean to overhear, but somehow, we couldn't help ourselves paying attention to what the doctor said. The doctor of that patient was unable to collect any eggs from her, even though the ultrasound showed a postive result before the surgery.
I was the 4th. When my name was called, I walked quickly to counter. The nurse there asked me to lie down on one bed and take off my glasses.
They pushed me into the room where another 3 were waiting for me, settled everything for me.
In order to relax my mood, they even asked me if I would like to listen to some music. I didn't mind, they laughed and said; " Certainly you won't know when you are under anesthesai."
Stuck the pads on me for EKG! Poked the needle on my hand for anesthesia.
This was the worst part. Didn't know what happened to that nurse, she couldn't push it through my vein and did it a second time. What's worse, she failed the 2nd time as well and there went the 3rd time.
I didn't know if they had realized how big and thick the needle was. They did say sorry and let another nurse did the 3rd time.
I passed out~~~When I came to, the first question I asked was " How many eggs did they collect?"
22 / 22 eggs.
I went home the same day, tired and weak. It hurt more the first time.
Feb 4th, 2010
10 in the morning, I called the reproductive center again for the result.
Out of 22 eggs, 18 were fertilized. They said, 15 fertilized eggs were to be frozen for the future.
I needed to report to the hospital again for embryo transfer on 6th.
Feb 6th, 2010
With my still swollen belly, felt like I was hit by a car on my belly. The soreness was all over at my abdomen left a great dragging feeling.
Over 10 patients were getting their tranfers the same day. I was waiting for my doctor with my husband quietly among the couples.
My appointment was 11, we reported there at 9: 40.
At 11: 25, the procedure was finished. It took less than 10 minutes, while I lied in the bed for transfer, I heard my doctor discuss my situation with another physician in the center. He was afraid I would have OHSS and thought only 1 embryo should have been planted.
He had already discussed that with me on 3rd. I didn't disagree because he was the professional.
Although there isn't any strong evidence showing that staying in bed will increase the embryo placement, they still let us stay in bed for 90 minutes before we go.
Later that day, we filled our mind with fantacy.
Feb 7th, 2010
The heaviness at the lower belly continued~ So bloated.
Instead of lying in bed all day, we went to department store for dinner.
I didn't know if I was doing the right thing, but since many websites had said that it would have increased a higher pregnancy rate. I thought, perhaps a better blood circulation may have been helpful for embryo placement.
From many forum I went to, the experienced ones still said, a few days in bed was needed.
Feb 8th, 2010
I slept a lot since the transfer and on 8th; when I woke up, somehow, I felt light
No water retention, no heaviness, still sore on the sides. Body weight---light.
I was thinking if........... but then I cut the thought off.
Feb 12th, 2010
6 days after the transfer, the first follow-up blood test. For what kind of hormone test, I had absolutely no idea. Only know that it was about medicine adjustment.
I called back at 6 pm as usual. They said, the report showed 'okay.' Just continued the dose I was taking.
Early that morning, the nurse in the center asked if I had felt bloated. I said; only at the first 2 days.
I knew what she meant of course. I had checked many websites during that 6 days.
Some successful cases said that if felt bloated at the second week before running the pregnancy test, usually, the bloated one shown a better sucessful rate.
I had all my heart hoping that I would feel bloated again soon.
Feb 13th, 2010
It was Chinese New Year's Eve.
This year, I went back to my parents for new year because it seemed better for me this way. Otherwise, I would have had to help my in-law's catering business during new year.
That is the routine in my husband's family.
Doing a catering business is when others want to save their trouble in the kitechen, they know they have us to let them bring home the cooked dishes.
So, usually, working working working is how my husband's family have for new year.
Even at home with my own parents, I couldn't stop the uneasiness of the next 7 days.
Feb 19th, 2010
Got up early and drove to the hospital. It was our first time doing it, usually we take train and MRT.
It's the day to find out the answer. I didn't have much confidence!
One-- only one was planted.
Two--the success rate of one embryo transfer is 20-30%
The nurse asked again if I felt bloated. "yes!" I said.
But could that be a postive sign, I didn't know.
There are sure to be someone else who didn't feel anything but conceived successfully, right?
I tried to ask them about my other 15 fronzen embryo and how I should start my next transfer.
They didn't feel like answering it and asked if I had had the pregnancy test at home.
I replied; I just wanted to prepare in advance.
6:00 in the evening.
picked up the phone and dialed the number, tell the doctor who I was. AND~~~~~
It came out "NEGATIVE!"
I should make an appointment with my doctor consulting the next transfer.
Even though, we had prepared ourselves this; knowing the chance was low. We couldn't resist the upsetting feelings washed over us.
We didn't talk much and Angus avoided the result by hitting the hays.
I felt so lost myself.
I tried to think why? Why?
Was it that I didn't stay in bed for a week? Or was it because I walked my dog?
They did warn us not to lift something heavy. But how about walking a hyper dog?
Could it be that I drank tea? They didn't mention anything about tea or coffee?
National Taiwan University Hospital is one of the biggest hospitals in Taiwan. This is the hospital I go since I was a child. I have a big pile of medical record there and I trust it with all the best doctors in Taiwan.
With all the well-skilled doctors and high medical tech. Its reproductive center didn't have a booklet or guildline for patients who undergo IVF what they should follow after the embryo transfer!!!
They didn't provide the rate for the blood test. No explanation either!
I didn't even know how good or how bad my eggs were.
Many private reproductive clinics level the eggs into ABC or 123 quality.
They will also remind their patients of what to do and what not to do, what to eat and what should be more careful.
They tell their patients the numbers of different hormone rates.
I thought knowing those hormone rate didn't mean much to me because I am not an expert at this. knowing those will only cause worry and trouble to me.
But, at least, they should tell us what we should be more careful with? Such as: tea or not tea?
I read a lot opinions and questions from different forums. Many others like me mentioned that--
no alcohol and caffeine are allowed.
Stay in bed is needed.
No bathtub bath, no sauna or hotspring.
I broke some from the above. Was it why I didn't conceive?
Then, I thought of my Hydrosalpinges !!!!
My doc did mention it that it wasn't all impossible for hydrosalpinges to conceive successfully!
That was why I stepped right into IVF.
I thought if I could have conceived without having my tube burn off, why not giving it a try and perhaps I would have been lucky, who knew?
I guess not!
I surfed the net all night looking for the article regarding the connection between IVF and hydrosalpinges.
Most of them said: "the rate to carry a newborn with 1 embryo transfer is 20-30%, but with bilateral hydro, the rate of success is 20-30% times 0.7-0.8.
So it is 14-24%
1. have my tubes cut off
2. try again with my frozen embryos
I still managed to see her every 2 weeks, being patient in taking the bitter Chinese medicine 3 times a day. In the meantime, having constant aruguements with my husband about his smoking habit. Always in mood swings for TO DO or NOT TO DO? Never stopped wondering why I should be the one to sacrifice so much while he still thought quitting his habit wouldn't have helped much.
Sometimes he would lose it and said; it was me who had the problem. F**K him!! ( I could have chosen not to do it. But I did because I thought we were one and being one meant he should have put some efforts too, right? Besides, he knew before we got married that I couldn't be pregnant easily)
Anyhow, I quit going to Chinese doctor after a couple times, though she was pretty confident in unblocking my tubes, which I wasn't so convinced of. How can my hydrosalpinx situation be unwided, scientifically speaking!!
So, by the time I quit, it was getting nearer to my winter vacation and there went again my journey of hospital visits.
Dec. 13th, 2009
My cycle began, I knew it's time to make an appointment again to set into the IVF procedure.
So, I made an appointment in a close by hospital in Taoyuan, anticipating a possible chance of getting IVF near home. Otherwise, I would have to travel regularly to and fro to Taipei. (It takes about a hour one way)
Dec. 15th, 2009
Doc. Chiang, a super popular doc in Taoyuan for those mommy-to-be or wanted-to-be. He took a few second flipping through the med record I brought, suggesting me underwent aother surgery for re-confirmation. He also adviced for unblocking my tubes to see if that would have worked.
After walking out of the consulting room, I told my hubby I would go to Taipei to see Dr. Yang again. I just couldn't trust a doc whom I couln't discuss with.
Dec. 23th, 2009
In National Taiwan University Hospital again! Apparently I missed my Dec. chance for IVF.
The whole process should be started by the time my BBT curve goes higher, it means when my temperature goes into higher period, that is time I can start getting medication.
I didn't know that, so, by the time I saw Dr. Yang, I had to wait for 2 more weeks for the right timing.
I talked to him about my hydrosalpinx again, consulting whether getting another surgery to cut the tubes off is necessary. He said, it's hard to say if that would affect IVF. If the situation did affect the embryo after transfered, then I should re-consider removing them.
I spent nearly 30,000NT for the medication and brought them home waiting for the right timing to start. Also, right after seeing the doc., I went to a 3-hour training course for all IVF patients.
Jan. 4th, 2010
Maybe it was me feeling stressed or something, I didn't get higher temperature as I supposed to.
The curve was still at the lower end. So, I visited doc again.
I was told to wait a few more days for the upper end. Then I could go ahead for the nasal spray on the 7th day.
Jan. 6th 2010
My second year Wedding Anniversary. The way to celebrate it was to receive HIV and Syphilis tests. We didn't realize it was our wedding anniversary after we took the tests.
In the training course, it mentioned that in Taiwan, our government has strict laws for those couples who need IVF. We need to hand in the report to show we are STD free.
In the process, I will have my blood drawn on the 2nd day of my period, for both my hormone level and STD. My husband's too, of course.
But then it will take a whole week to find out the result. What should I have my mood pending for this while I had my whole mind thinking for the IVF.
So, we decided to find a clinic to have the test.
Certainly, the result came out the next day saying we were both STD free.
Jan 10th, 2010
Buserelin nasal spray, some kind of alternative treatment for hormone injection. It is a much easier method to inhale the hormone rather than putting a needle in tummy.
4 times a day on both sides , 4-6 hours in between. It should be applied when you are told to stop.
Jan 19th, 2010
Spotting began, calling the reproductive medical center for the next day test.
Jan 20th, 2010
Got up early in the morning, took a 45-minute train to Taipei main station, got on the subway. Reported to the reproductive center on 9th floor. Handed in the STD report, ID, ID copies.
They had to make sure we were married to each other. Filled in some forms. Reported again to the blood-drawing center.
Beared in mind that I needed to call at 6 pm for the next step.
Cut down the dose on Supremom. From now, 4 times a day, one side at a time.
225IU Gonal-F injection should be applied every day at 8 pm, started on 21st.
( Why 8 pm? At the training, they said, giving us a certain time to follow cuts down the worries for some women to feel distraught on when to do what)
Jan 21st, 2010
Angus promised to be home as earlier as he could manage to help me with my injection. I knew it was quite impossible because of the traffic. I was mentally prepared to do it myself if he couldn't have made it
At 8:00 pm
he called and said he would be late and asked if it would have been much different if I performed it later. I guess not. I said: " I'll wait!"
At 8:30 pm
He walked in to see I had prepared the needle pen and all. He wanted to help, but I said no.
Because he couldn't be with me every night at 8. I said I would do it myself with him watching.
I checked the label for 225 IU, hooked up the needle, open the alcohol swap and sterilize the part under my naval button. Pull the safety click.
Took a deep breath, punch in the needle. click the needle pen....one, two, three, four. wait for 10 seconds, pull it up.
Some blood gush out of the hole. I screamed~~~ pressed it hard with another alcohol swap.
I DIDN'T cry!! Felt released to do it though.
(I was too nervous, so accidently rubbed it and left bruise)
Jan 21st--Jan 24th, 2010 / Thursday-Sunday
Gonal-F shots for 4 days
Supremom, 4 times a day
Needed to return to hospital on Monday
Jan 25th--26th, 2010 / Monday-Tuesday
Ultrasound + Blood test ( I had many follicles)
Continued 225 IU for Gonal-F / Supremom
Report to the hospital on Wednesday
Jan 27th--28th, 2010 / Wednesday-Thursday
Ultrasound + Blood test ( My doc thought my follicles were growing too slow. I asked why? Had it to do with caffeine. I drink tea a lot. He said No. It was because of the numbers of follicles I had)
Gonal-F as usual, stopped Supremom
Returned on Friday
Jan 29th, 2010 / Friday
Ultrasound + blood test (still too small, so they added another kind of injection)
Gonal-F 225 IU
Luveris 75 IU.
Jan 30th-31st ,2010 / Saturday-Sunday
Received my forth ultrasound this week. My vein was poked for blood test the 4th time within 7 days.
Feb 1st, 2010
Many of follicles had reached the standard sizes. I was told to check in on Wednesday for collecting eggs.