I'm getting older for babies, but I still in the middle of self searching.

Can't ease my throbbing nerves after watching my favorite program today. It is one which discusses about all sorts of current issues relates to life matters. Today, they were talking about "Having babies.

I am recently brooding over this question too and their discussion has lighten a clearer picture out of my mind.

Anyhow, the major reason that induced the whole show today was because one of the guests is healthily pregnant with twins at her age of 45. She is a best-seller writer in Taiwan and hosts for several TV programs. Her pregnancy was quite a shocking news to those of her readers and audiences because for a really long time, those who know her would have thought she was a not-having-babies-ever kind of woman. However, her planned pregnancy makes everyone jaw-dropped and wonder WHY? WHY? What changed her mind?

Along with her, there were 2 other female guests on the show, one senior feministic author, the other a resident doctor in Psychology. These 3 women are highly-educated, mature, successful, sensible, at high social status and perfectly understand what they want in lives and try hard on getting them. They represent the great female power from different eras. Even though, they have been successfully devoting their female powers to prove women a marvelous gender, they still can't get away from the question over their primitive physical function, "When to have a baby to prove that you are a real woman?"

That's it !! The scariest question ever! The most dreadful question to those who can't get enough time for their career and their freedom. This question will follow them tightly once they walked down the aisle. No one will ever let go off this question until she gets pregnant to prove others that her physical function is fine and perfect as it was designed for.

Thus, their discussion and peculiar, singular ideas toward "Women and their procreation!" and " Is life reproduction a fulfillment for women" have comforted my worries! As women, they were once at the cross roads like I am now. However, they have all come a long way here to what they are now and they are satisfied with their decisions and choices. Of course, one of them is pregnant now at high age for pregnancy, and the doctor still gets some chances before the biological clock stops. Only the senior one who is happy with her life now, somehow, recalled her colorful youth, still wondering; would she have ever grasped the opportunity if, then, she had had the chance with a right man besides her?

The show had come to conclusions that--1, to get pregnant at older age isn't impossible, but the pre-preparation is important. 2, women's versatility shouldn't be neglected, one's life still lies in one's hand. 3, having a baby or not is a very important question in women's lives, how to keep a good balance between career, freedom, and having a baby will always be a catch-22. Because our bodies are attached with biological clocks.

Oh! so what changed that writer's mind to make her want to take the risk at such a high age?
She said; she had always been a planner for her career and life decision. She wasn't so fond of kids before because of her family issues and she thought that life was too short and unpredictable. Her husband was the same. Both of them were the risk takers and enjoyed the lives as much as they could. After experiencing so much; such as the extreme excursions to north and south poles. She found nothing in her life could have been more completed. That was how she was hit with a lightening thought and thereafter stepped on her journey to the motherhood.

My case is pretty much the same! I haven't gotten enough of my freedom and free will over my life. I had a really hard childhood and embarrasing teenage period, rough love life in college, a lonely single for 8 years and never felt rich enough with extra cash. But now, I finally feel wonderful and happy in life. I have a respectable job, not well-paid enough but room for improvement. I am satisfied with my marriage life, feel secure and stable, enjoying the life for two and happily being a workday single when I have to live 100 miles aways from my hubby 3 days a week. How delightful it is!!
But time is chasing after me and people are being pushy and over-concern over my marriage life.

I can't explain my state of mind because they won't understand much of why a married woman needs to think much on having babies or not? That is true! I can't say out loud that I need more personal space for my free will and I don't want to lose my freedom just now. Why can't I be a married woman for a few years before I am more certain of it?
So, why do I do to face other's concern? I pretend, I blend into the conversation. I try to feel interested in the topics. I don't hate kids, I just need more time to reach a level where I feel a safer environment for raising kids.
Perhaps I am wrong, there isn't a perfect condition for baby raising. I can't refuse to listen to my body ticking away my youth. I do know all the consequences and circumstances. I just hate to be pushed the question around.

I just celebrated my first anniversary. But one year has made people think I am barren already!
People are giving suggestions on what to eat, what doctor to go to or how to do the research and get prepared. No one ever asked me, "Are you ready?" " Is your hubby ready?"

I mean, even I am with some physcial conditions, I don't think it isn't something that let there be light and there will be. I don't want to be rush about this.

So, let me keep my fingers crossed, hope everything will happen the way I want. I am sane enough now to face family and friend's concern nicely because I don't know when I will lose sanity and throw everyone a big temper.

God blesses!!