I'm 160 cm / 57 kg with BMI 22. Not too thin, but doesn't fit to the beauty norm here in Taiwan either! I am considered quite bulky to many's eyes, so is that why I can't squeeze into mommyhood?
A stupid statement? I know....how stupid it sounds~
I can't hide how depressed I am though.
Last Monday, I was admitted to the hospital for the next morning surgery. The decision was made in the haste. I was seeing the doctor for the follow-up check about my HCG which had been causing a great panic for a whole week. I was hoping to hear the good news about the MTX effect, but the embryo didn't seem to cave whatsoever, it rose even higher up to 819.44.
The whole thing went back to July 21, when I recieved the ET, the second try to conceive.
The ET procedure went much better than IVF, since I didn't need to get plenty shots for egg-retrieving.
All I did this time was watching out for the ovulating time and visited doc, then the doctor simply chose a date to do the FET. 4 were placed.
After that, I waited impatiently for 14 days for the result. Patience seemed to be an impossible virtue. Coun't wait the result to be announced. This time I'd decided not to wait until the 14th day. I secretly used HPT to get the result without telling my husband.
Suprisingly, it showed a very very light pink line. I tried not to say a word and I performed it again the next morning, a little bit stronger light pink, but still light. My very first time!!! I had never been pregnant before~~
My husband had noticed my getting-up-too-early behavior and wondered why, after I showed him the stick with 2 lines. He burst out tears~~~I didn't.
The joy of possible parenthood didn't last long, on the 15th day the spotting showed. Light orange. I was told not to think too much but needed to be more cuatious.
The 21st day, the transvaginal ultrasound couldn't see the sac and the HCG test wasn't good enough. They told me to wait for another 7 days. Sometime it grew slow, they said.
On 23th I was admitted to the ER because I bled a lot. The inexperienced Intern Gyno said, he saw the sac and told me not to worry too much.
Until then I had no idea the embryo had landed the wrong spot!!!!
The reason I got the heavier flow was caused by a shrieking spasm through my tail bone.
It lasted for hours and I thought it was because of my old wound. I was wondering why my tail bone nerve pain came back to me after so long. The continual spasms ended up with the flow and I thought I lost it!!
On the 6 week of my pregnancy, the sac was still missing!! HCG test result went down to 200 sth. The spotting didn't stop~~
Natural miscarriage was to be expected ~~ the doc said.
I should stop taking Utrogeston and should have returned for a follow up check up after the flow ended.
Right after stopping the Utrogeston, the flow went heavier, but it didn't turn heavy enough as it supposed to be. Just unlike what I had before.
32rd day, the tail-bone spasms came back again, it lasted a whole night this tims.
On Auguest 23rd , I was admitted to the ER again~ only this time I went to a nearby hospital not where with a 50 minutes drive away in Taipei.
I was taken to the hospital by the paramedics with an ambulance. Because the pain was so great I couldn't even stand up. 3 pain-killer shots, 2 blood tests, 1 intra drip. A night with horrifying pain~ The pain-relieving shots were too strong and I cough for days.
I told the ER doc my condition, told him I received ET on July 21st and was in a state of the natural miscarriage. (Somehow my husabnd mistakenly told the paramedics that I might be having the ectopic pregnancy. Was that a 6th instinct or what, I dunno!!)
The ER arranged a Gyno to see me. It was the one I thought I would go to after the end of the miscarriage. Because I thought the second failure might had something to do with the hydrosalpinges I had.
I knew I had to cut the tubes, only that I wanted to get a second opinion!!
So, that's how coincident it was, the one on the duty that night was the doctor I was hoping to seek the opinion for.
I told him my medical history!! He decided to run another HCG test and asked me to return the same week on Friday.
Auguest 27, the HCG result from 23rd was 285.
Weird enough!!! On the 6th week of my pregnancy was 200sth. after 7 days, it was 285.
How was that possible? I asked the doctor. Everything was possible he told me.
Another blood test was suggested. On 27th, another blood test was run.
I returned the next day.
The HCG rose up to 750. From 23th to 27th, the HCG rose from 285-750.
It was a Saturday, the doctor gave me a MTX shot to abort it.
I should return earlier for another blood test after 2 days on Monday.
Even higher, MTX didn't work~~HCG was up to 819.44.
I can't tell how panic I was. I was feeling chills on my spine!!!
I was hoping I would never need to confront the hydro problem.
With the hydrosalpinges I had, and the apparent the ectopic pregnancy I was in.
Doctor suggested I got it over with all together. He said he could have given me aother MTX but I would have needed to fix the hydro problems anyway after this.
I was forced to confront my bilateral hydro earlier~~
The surgery this time takes longer time and I was under a full anesthesia with a tube in my mouth that sounded horrible.
It was good that the hospital physicians and nurses kept confirming the surgery I was taking with me. Their SOP could show how much they cared not to make any mistakes.
However, it was just too much to be told how I was going to be placed with a tube in my mouth and how painful I might be feeling after I woke up.
The one thing that broke my nerves was that my doctor was late. He was in a meeting and left his cell in his office. I was held up in my bed for about an hour while nurses were calling him.
Totally not okay~~~~
The same night, I was expecting his visit from my ward and it was this close that he might miss again.
I had no idea why he became so evasive after the surgery. Although he told me everything was done as our discussion. One side was taaken out, the other side was cut off.
I was feeling so insecure about what he did. Still I told myself he was well-known in this hospital and there was no reason why someone like him would want to ruin his own reputation.
A 41 day disaster finally stepped off stage on August 31st~~~